The Radio Diaries
by SG-girl
Summary: The Atlantis Email server is now up and running. Do you dare to look inside and become entangled in the love lives of the Atlantis personnel?
1. Chapter 1

_**The Radio Diaries**_

_**By: Hannah Hartman**_

_**Rating: PG-13**_

**_Disclaimer: I own the OC's and situations, but sadly nothing else._**

_**Summary: The base starts an email server in order to talk to each other.**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: All Atlantis Personnel- All-at-A-Base-org**_

_**From: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Server Completion**_

The Atlantis Email Server is now up and working. Dr. Zelenka has assigned everyone an email address and an inbox. Your mail will be routed to your handheld's, the computers in your quarters and your work computers.

If you make a deletion or any other change to your email box from any of the three locations, it will automatically make this update to your other boxes.

The Email function off-base is restricted to other handheld's within reach of your signal or through an open wormhole. Please contact Dr. McKay or Dr. Zelenka if you have any problems. Thank you.

Dr. Weir

_**(&)**_

_**To: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: None**_

McKay, where the hell are you? You're supposed to be at the firing range and, uh… you're not.

I just figured out of common courtesy that I'd let you know if you skip this qual, you can't go off-world.

Trust me, McKay, I'll see that it happens.

_**(&)**_

_**(0824)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military1**_

"Colonel?"

"…"

"Colonel Sheppard? Please wake up."

"…"

"Colonel, large purple dinosaurs singin' the _Happy Days_ theme song just tap danced through the Gate room."

"…"

"They're demandin' we turn over all our sporks and worship their polka-dot duck god."

"…"

"Please don't make me repeat that, sir."

"Wha' time…?"

"Oh-seven twenty-five, sir. Sorry to wake you.'"

"I'm sure you… uh, who are you, actually?"

"Major Breck."

"Breck?"

"Yessir."

"You're the… uh, tall one with red-hair?"

"Yessir. Guess I got red hair."

"You guess?"

"Ain't had a chance to look in the mirror this mornin'."

"Major, you just woke me up after only three hours of sleep, I don't think acting like a smart ass is in your best interest."

"Sorry."

"Yeah. What's wrong?"

"I can't find McKay."

"What? You actually want to?"

"He's skippin' his weapon qual, sir. Colonel Caldwell said to ask you where he is."

"Hiding, Major. He hides every time qualifications come up. Did you ask Miko?"

"Who?"

"McKay's assistant."

"Little thing? Black hair? Real nervous?"

"Yeah, that pretty much describes Miko."

"Been there, done that."

"And?"

"No such luck."

"Breck, are you as catatonic as you sound?"

"Catatonic? That's a first."

"Let me make this easy for you, Major. McKay's missing. If it was any other soldier, they would've called threatening bodily harm to McKay. You on the other hand seem calm."

"Well, I'll stop bein' calm right away, sir. Which do you prefer? Runnin' 'round in circles or screamin' at the top of my lungs?"

"There's that smart-ass thing again."

"Sorry, sir."

"How many weeks have you been here, Breck?"

"Three."

"Well, it hasn't been long enough 'cuz you're not threatening to kill the scientists."

"I'll be sure and head down to Botany and terrorize David."

"David?"

"I mean, uh, D-Dr. Parrish."

"You two are on a first name basis.?"

"I'm generally on a first-name basis with non-military personnel. It's the military personnel that you gotta remember last names and ranks."

"Boy, West Point did a brainwashing number on you."

"Didn't go to West Point."

"All right, Breck, then where did you go?"

"Basic in Georgia, assigned to Camp Lejeune in North Carolina and ever since, it's been Spec-Ops."

"You're a Team's girl?"

"Force Recon."

"Specialization?"

"Deep ground surveillance, ordinance delivery and limited scale raids."

"_You're_ actually Black-Ops?"

"Why does everyone find that so hard to believe?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, Major, but, uh, you don't look like Teams material."

"Guess you ain't seen my tattoos yet then, sir."

"Yeah, I've heard Special Forces get a little wild with their body art."

"Wild's one way of puttin' it."

"Who was your CO?"

"Colonel French."

"Who?"

"Tory French. Runs a desk at Lejeune."

"Oh, him."

"You got no idea who I'm talkin' 'bout, do you?"

"None at all."

"S'okay. He prefers it that way."

"Don't take this the wrong way, Major, but aren't you a little young for Spec-Ops?"

" 'M twenty-nine."

"Feel free to take this as a compliment, but you look younger than that."

"So I've been told."

"You're really a Teams girl?"

"Yessir. Goin' on eight years now."

"Impressive."

"Thank you, sir, um, what 'bout McKay?"

"Try Katie Brown's office in the soft science labs. That's his girlfriend so he's probably hiding behind one of her lilac bushes or something."

"Yessir. Thanks for the tip, sir."

_**(0758)- Radio disconnected: Military6 from Military1**_

_**(&)**_

**_(0812)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Science1_**

"Doc, I got permission to kick your ass all the way back to Earth. So start answerin' your damn radio 'fore I get real ticked off and do somethin' unladylike."

"That's some nice language from an alleged Southern belle. Where are your manners, Major?"

"McKay, my Southern belle manners ain't got nothin' to do with you and I ain't feelin' in any particular way inclined to use 'em at the moment so, shut the hell up. Now, where are you?"

"Come on, admit it, Major. You were raised like those women in _Steel Magnolias_. To respect your elders and say 'ma'am' and 'sir' in a Scarlett O'Hara accent."

"McKay, as much fun as discussin' my upbringin' with you sounds, you're late for weapon qualifications. You gotta pass to go off-world."

"Hah! They couldn't live without me."

"They'd _find_ a way to live without you, McKay They're a resourceful bunch 'round here."

"Hmm, that particular tone of voice very sounds familiar. A quick question, Major."

"_McKay!_"

"One question and then I'll meet you at the firing range."

"Promise?"

"Scientist's honor."

"Whatever that means. Fine, ask away."

"At what point did you realize that you were Colonel Sheppard's soul-mate? Or have you realized that yet?"

"Wh-who's soul-mate?"

"Colonel Sheppard's."

"…"

"Major Breck?"

"McKay, reproducin' is definitely somethin' you should avoid doin'. And that's not a question, that's beggin' for an ass-kickin'."

"Well, you're obviously equally matched in the sarcasm ring. You're an attractive woman and he tends to like attractive women. You both like weapons, that's a Sunday afternoon of fun right there. You can both tango. Oh, and I'm told that you can kick the ass of someone two times your size and he admires that. I'd say that qualifies as criteria to be soul-mates."

"Not to me, McKay. And 'specially not with the Colonel."

"Well, you could be if he got to know you better. You're such a charming woman."

"McKay, was that sarcasm or are you hittin' on me? 'Cause I can't deal with that today."

"Don't flatter yourself, Major. While I admit that you are definitely good looking, you've apparently forgotten that I'm taken."

"Oh, right, right. I done went and forgot all 'bout Dr. Brown."

"Are you making fun of my girlfriend?"

"She know you call her that?"

"Well, we're not married, so I can't call her my significant other. Thusly, I believe girlfriend is the correct… Yes, she knows I call her that!"

"Lemme get this straight, McKay. You're tryin' to set me up? With the Colonel?"

"You'd make the perfect native woman to his Starfleet Captain."

"Oh, one of your infamous 'Colonel Sheppard is Kirk' spiels. Well, I ain't some green-skinned space bimbo and if you even think 'bout comparin' me…"

"Hmm, you think he's a Kirk too? I'd say definitely a Kirk, but with better hair."

"McKay!"

"Hmmm?"

"Why're you tryin' so hard to discredit the Colonel and at the same time make him seem like dateable material?"

"Well, because this place is a bit more livable if he's love-struck."

"He's been love-struck before?"

"Ancient named Chaya. Long story."

"Uh-huh. So, what? This conversation is for personal gain?"

"Pretty much."

"This is goin' nowhere faster than before. You comin' to the firin' range or not?"

"No, I'm not, but I'll get back to you about the whole dating thing."

"McKay, if you hang up on me…"

_**(0826)- Radio disconnected: Science1 from Military6 **_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: John and the new major**_

In case you hadn't noticed, Elizabeth, Colonel Sheppard's soul-mate is on Atlantis and her name is Hanna Breck.

I think it might be advantageous to nudge them towards a relationship. The two are obviously perfect for each other. You've met the Major, what's your opinion?

_**(&)**_

_**To: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: What's my opinion?**_

In my _opinion_, Major Breck is a young soldier who is self-confident, charming, and could, truth be told, have her pick of anyone on base.

What makes you so sure that John and Hanna are perfect for each other? And aren't you supposed to be re-calibrating something important?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Cupid and Co.**_

You'll notice Colonel Sheppard hasn't been in a very good mood recently which by itself isn't unusual because he's rarely in a good mood anymore. Oh and I wouldn't bring up the idea of creating a scientist only off-world team anytime soon. He's a bit touchy about that subject.

Still, I was informed by Dr. Brown who overheard him in the commissary saying that he'd talked with Major Breck. And she said that he was smiling. How long has it been since he's done that? Over a woman?

According to Dr. Brown, he kept asking one of the other new arrivals about her. How's that strike you for interest? He's doing research. He doesn't do research unless he's very interested.

PS: I am. I can type and calibrate at the same time. I'm a man of many talents.

_**(&)**_

_**To: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Re: Cupid and Co.**_

He's researching her? Interesting choice of words, Rodney. Still…

All right, I'll help, but first I have a few demands:

1: If I agree to help you with this, you keep every single scientist out of my hair unless it's an amazing find or a total emergency and I'm talking, someone has lost a limb, half the base is going to explode type of emergency or the Ancient's secretly designed a Doomsday weapon against the Wraith and you just found it, not we just found out how the Ancient garbage disposal works.

2: You will reroute any form of scientific inquiry or scientist request through Colonel Caldwell.

3: Every scientist who has to take their weapons qualifications will present themselves at the proper time and with the proper attitude.

4: Coffee. I know you have a secret stash of Colombian somewhere and I want a fresh cup every other day. That's the only way I'll do it.

And what exactly may I ask do you get out of this?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Deal**_

I will keep everyone, including myself off your back for as long as you want. And I'll make sure the scientists annoy, I mean, go to Colonel Caldwell for their problems and show up on time for weapons qualifications. I can't guarantee the proper attitude though.

As for the coffee thing, I'll start you your own little cache somewhere that only you can get to. The sacrifices I must endure.

And what do I get out of it? Well, for one thing, Colonel Sheppard tends to be nicer to the scientists if he's involved with a woman. And for the other, he's my friend and he looks lonely on movie night when all the couples are cuddled up and he's the odd man out.

_**(&)**_

_**To: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Re: Deal**_

Rodney, that's one of the nicest things I think I've ever seen you type.

By the way, this had better work or I'm going to drop-kick you off the North Pier.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

**_Subject: McKay_**

He almost shot me today. I'm going to kill him, Trev, I'm going to kill him. And I won't feel bad about it.

Did you know it took us three hours to do his weapons test? Wanna know why? Because apparently, science is real big around here and he's needed every friggin' five minutes to turn on this thing or hem and haw about that thing. And trust me, neither of these things are particularly interesting. One of those things may even have been an Ancient version of a foot massager. That one took a half hour to look over. And then, they made _me_ turn it on because they weren't sure that it actually _was_ a foot massager. Do I look like cannon fodder to you?

Oh! And, it turned out to be a dish scrubber. Imagine the disappointment in the scientific community and the glee in the Commissary. It gets better! McKay passed. Now he's free to annoy people on other planets. Maybe they'll shoot him and save me the trouble.

Hanna-Banana

PS: Do you think I'm catatonic?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Re: McKay**_

The best scientific minds in history aren't able to figure out McKay, which is ironic because McKay _is_ one of the best scientific minds in history. Anyway, changing the subject now:

Settled in yet? I hear you have the quarters between Ronon and Beckett. That's gotta make for interesting mornings seeing as how none of you are morning people. Do you stumble out of your rooms and grunt at each other or do you avoid conversation altogether?

Trev

PS: Catatonic? You? What's the matter? Haven't been sleeping? Don't worry, I have licorice smuggled fresh from, uh, a secret source. Guaranteed to help you sleep.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Major Breck**_

You've met Major Breck, right? Is she in some sort of sleep-walking state or is it just me?

Sheppard

_**(&)**_

_**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: None**_

You emailed me during a meeting to ask about a sleep-walking woman?

If this was an important meeting, I'd reply briefly and scathingly, but since it's the survey team from a planet that seems to have an abundance of purple grass, I'll bite.

Yes, I've met Major Breck and yes, she's rather relaxed, but I suppose after eight years of running top-secret missions, three of which were spent in Goa'uld occupied territory, this base probably seems boring.

Elizabeth

PS: I'd say the sleep-walking effect is probably due to the fact that she hasn't been sleeping much lately. But you didn't hear that from me.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Laid back women**_

I can tell she has some General O'Neill in her. I could hear it in the inappropriate sarcasm. He leaves his mark on people. They're like O'Neill, well, O'Neill something.

John

PS: She can't sleep?

_**(&)**_

_**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Re: None**_

She can't be that bad. Sure, she's laid back, but you are too. Remember, she's used to life or death situations every day. Dealing with scientists and a schedule is a complete 180 for her.

And as for General O'Neill leaving his mark on her, yeah, you're pretty much right about that.

Elizabeth

PS: She'll be fine in a few weeks. It's just taking her a little longer to adjust than it was for us. Apparently, she's not used to the ocean outside her window every night. She said something about waiting for mortar rounds to start falling.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Re: None**_

No, she really isn't that bad. By the way, she's Spec- Ops. Did you know that? Apparently, she's got the tattoos to prove it. I haven't seen them yet.

Did you know that our first actual conversation was ten minutes long and I still don't know her first name?

Don't suppose you'd tell me?

_**(&)**_

_**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Breck**_

No, I don't suppose I will.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Re: Breck**_

I like the accent though. She's from the South, right?

_**(&)**_

_**(1008)- Radio connecting: Leader1 to Military1**_

"John?"

"Hey, Liz. I was just getting ready to send you another email."

"Well, don't. You're only one of thousands flooding my inbox. It's going to over-heat."

"Thousands? We don't have more than two hundred personnel on base. Are you exaggerating just a little, maybe?"

"All right, so, it feels like thousands."

"You're not going to get too tightly-wound, are you? Although that would balance out Breck."

"Ha-ha, and in answer to your question, yes, Major Breck is from the South. South Carolina, in fact. Is that all?"

"Trying to get rid of me?"

"Yes, actually. I have reports to read."

"Sure. _Reports._ Fine, see you at the staff meeting."

_**(1010)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Leader1 **_

_**(&)**_

_**Personal Journal Entry of Major Hanna Breck- 1/23/2006**_

I'm not gonna survive life in the Pegasus Galaxy. Back on Earth, I had relative freedom over my day. And that meant I could spend a lot of my day avoiding people I didn't like. Except when I was off-world, then I was usually running for my life.

Here it's like chaos and discord had babies and they're named 'scientists'. Those guys screw something up every other hour. And the Atlantis ones are way worse than the ones at the SGC. Those guys managed to restrict the mayhem to their labs and offices. The ones around here blow things up every day. Here's how Tuesday (yesterday) went:

**0800-** I wake up, dress, skip breakfast because the commissary staff is experimenting with ways to make eggs and hash-browns interesting.

**0900-** Get briefed for the mission during which my team and I will be escorting a couple of egg-heads to visit an alien village.

**1030-** Get run over by a scientist who has found something life-changing and absolutely has to talk to McKay, leader of the egg-heads. I earn a goose-egg from bouncing off the transporter wall while trying to escape the scientist's wind-milling arms and twenty-million words a minute.

**1130-** Boxing session with Martinez in the gym. Watch a marine biologist drop a ten pound weight on a marine's foot.

**1230-** Still in the Infirmary with fallen soldier who is loudly proclaiming a jihad on the scientist who is nowhere to be seen.

**1330-** Walk through the Gate, greeted by aliens in war-paint holding lots of pointy spears and arrows.

**1630-** Spend the next three hours talking our way out of a hanging. Manage to make friends. Have to talk villagers out of a second hanging because one of the scientists insults a highly respected village elder by blinking the wrong way.

**1843-** Forced to retire to quarters early because after being debriefed about the mission, an attempt to eat dinner resulted in a botanist dropping creamed corn all over me.

Scientists and I don't get along very well as illustrated above. We just don't have compatible chemistry. The only scientist/egghead I can stand is Daniel and he's god knows how many miles away. Oh, Trevin thinks it's he-ha-hilarious. He likes having me out here suffering with him.

On a slightly more feminine and completely unrelated topic, I need something to take my mind off the men around here because there lots of them and they're pretty much all cute.

Back at the SGC, I didn't have to worry about being attracted to my team because I was, well, either getting shot at or doing some other kind of death-defying crap and we had more of a familial bond. Besides, they were all married and two of them were dating each other.

Around here, it's like _Beverly Hills 90210_ and there aren't any fraternization rules out here. This is probably due to the fact that we could all die at any minute and this entitles us to behave however we want in our romantic relationships.

Which brings me to my next topic of the day: Colonel John Sheppard. If I hadn't been looking for McKay, I have the feeling we'd still be talking. And I'm not an interesting person. Once you get past the tattoos, the scars, the knives, my movies, my books, my music, the couple thousand stories about my missions and childhood, well, I'm a boring person. Colonel Sheppard doesn't appear to think so and it was weird. He's cute, but then again, so is Trevin.

Anyway, speaking of the cute devil… Trevin thinks it's fun out here. Running around, shooting aliens, rescuing princesses who turn out to be flesh eating aliens so he gets to shoot them. Yeah, Trev loves this crap. Don't get me wrong, I'm 102 percent military and I love being 102 percent military. I just love being 102 percent military back on Earth where the bad guys were egomaniacal worms who dressed really badly, and the cooking in the Commissary. (Mental note: Check with Cam to see if he still has my _Andromeda_ DVDs.)

Out here in Pegasus, I gotta deal with life-sucking monsters. It's just not the same. (Mental note: Check to see if Cadman still has my _John Carpenter's: Vampires_ DVD). Therefore I have compiled a list. It is as follows:

People I Miss and Reasons Why:

General Landry: Not sure why I miss him because I spent half the time defying his orders and the other half stealing rubber bands from his desk. Weir doesn't have rubber bands. (Mental note: Write him letter to thank him for recommendation that I get my own team.)

Teal'c: Weekend long _Star Wars_ marathons. 'Nuff said.

Daniel: Teaching me to curse in Ancient when we were both locked in the alien pokey. Going on a double date with me and one of my married friends so I wouldn't be the third wheel.

Colonel Carter: Patiently explaining Naquadah generators to me. Blue Jell-O. Sharing a love of the movie _Donnie Darko_ with me. Letting me listen to the Beach Boys in her lab when she's working.

Cam: Jogging in the park at three in the morning. Sneaking me coffee when I'm in the infirmary. Helping me make fun of MTV when we both have downtime. Listening to me whine when I have scientist watch duty.

General O'Neill: Making fun of me. Being over-protective. Always having SG8 watching my six. Stealing my jellybeans.

Sgt. Siler: Falling off things. Breaking bones. Electrocuting himself. Saving the day.

My dog, Crocodile Rock: Chewing the couch. Peeing on the floor. Waking me up in the middle of the night because he has to go outside and he's scared of the dark. Eating two of my nephew's Harry Potter books. Sleeping next to me and drooling on me and my pillow.

My dad: Babying me. Sending me care packages. Calling at three in the morning because he forgot about the time difference. Stocking up on Snapple Peach Iced Tea when I visit. Showing my baby pictures to anyone and everyone who stops by the house.

My big brother Todd: Not having smothered me in my crib when I was a baby. Shoving me out of the tree house when I was five and breaking my arm. Giving me great nieces.

My other big brother Andrew: Always eating my vegetables for me so I could have dessert. Teaching me to tie my shoes. Sitting through a half-hour of _My Pretty Pony_ every Sunday morning for three years. Giving me great nephews.

My big sister Catherine: Teaching me to waltz for my first debutante ball. Not ratting me out when she caught me in the closet with Luther Pollock at my first debutante ball. Bitching me out for deciding to join the military.

My nephews: Tackle football matches in the peach tree grove. Crawdad hunting. Putting up with my movie habit. Introducing me to the wonderful world of comic books.

My nieces: Braiding my hair into unidentifiable knots and finally forcing me to cut it. Tackle football matches in the peach tree grove. Shoving me in the river. Bringing me every stray animal they find including twenty-three dogs (two of which they borrowed from the neighbor), fifteen cats, a rabbit, two ducks, four lizards, and eighteen mice.

The Goa'uld (In some strange and severely twisted way): Making my day interesting.

Oh, well, it's time to go hunt down Zelenka for his qualification. Although, the likelihood that he'll fail is slim to none because he can shoot almost as good as I can. McKay could do with a lesson or two from him.

_**(&)**_

_**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Your foot**_

I couldn't reach you on the radio and I just wanted to thank you for your help with McKay. I'll be back on base in eight or nine hours so just leave me a message or something so I don't sink into a pool of inescapable guilt at having woken you up so early.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: My foot**_

No pool of inescapable guilt. It's not like I haven't been woken up before. Have a good time on your mission. Don't get shot, that can ruin your day.

Hey, a bunch of marines and air force guys are going to play touch-football on the South Pier tomorrow afternoon. We could use some running backs. If you want. No pressure.


	2. Chapter 2

_**(1438)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military7 to Military8 to Military9 to Military10**_

"Stephens, he's on your six! No! Your other six! The other one, Stephens, the other six!"

"Major, we've got more coming over the hill! And they do not look happy!"

"Well, they should be 'cuz if y'all don't hurry up, they're gonna be eatin' marine shish-kebobs!"

"Crap! Garrett's hit! Major!"

"Fall back! Fuller, dial— Oooofff!"

"I need cover! Major's hit!"

"Fudgin', fudge!"

"Ma'am, at the chance of sounding insubordinate, you just got shot. Curse or something! Holy hell! Incoming!"

"My vest caught it! Dial the gate! Martinez, get off me! Stephens, fall back to the DHD or I'll shoot you myself!"

"Sending IDC now, Major! Damnit, she's bleeding bad!"

"It's just a cut, so hurry the fuck up. Garrett's intestines are fallin' out!"

"Nice to see you're feeling better, ma'am!"

"Fuller, if I wasn't bleedin' to death…"

"Ma'am, with all due respect, shut up and yell at me after we save your life!"

_**Signal lost**_

_**(&)**_

_**(1458)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military6**_

"I told you _not_ to get shot."

"Who…?"

"Who the hell d'you think it is?"

"You contact me just to yell, Colonel?"

"Didn't I tell you to not get shot? Didn't I direct those words at you?"

"Nope."

"No, Major?"

"You wrote 'em in an email, sir. Don't count if it's electronic."

"You are not going to smart-ass your way out of this one, Breck."

"Sorry, sir, ain't tryin' to smart-ass my way out of anythin'."

"I bet. So, are you patched up yet?"

"Nah. Garrett took a gut shot so he's in surgery first. They'll get to me in a minute."

"In a minute? You could bleed to death by the time someone discovers you sitting quietly in a corner."

"It's just a flesh wound, sir. I've had worse. My vest caught the other rounds."

"I saw you when you came through the Gate, Breck. That is not a flesh wound. Rodney scratching his arm on a tree branch is a flesh wound. There's a bullet in your arm and your back's torn to shit."

"Major?"

"Breck!"

"Sir, the Major passed out. We have to get her into surgery."

_**(1503)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military1**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Team Placement**_

I'm requesting that Major Breck be transferred to my team so I can keep an eye on her. Or just make her stay on base indefinitely. Or locked in a padded room where there's no chance of her injuring herself. No rush on an answer. Get back to me when you can.

_**(&)**_

_**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: No Rush?**_

Transferred to your team? She'd kill Rodney within a day.

Kept on base indefinitely? Even I can't deal with that kind of stress.

Locked in a padded room? After being confined to base, she might have to be.

You know, John, Hanna Breck is one of a few female officers on base who is capable of leading a total military team. I can't leave a military team commander-less.

Besides, from what I've learned about her, she won't take kindly to having command ripped out of her hands. She'll be even less thrilled if she knows that you think she can't handle it.

Being a female and knowing how we think, she'd resent even more, the implication that she can't look out for herself. She's a pretty capable young woman, you know.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Calm**_

That's her name? Hanna? I was wondering about that. Some of the guys around the base were talking about a marine with the call sign 'Hanna-Banana." Didn't know it was her though.

And yeesh, it was just a suggestion. Don't have an aneurysm. Can I help it if I feel protective of the women under my command? You've noticed I don't let you go off-world unless you're accompanied by me or Lorne.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Shot?**_

Hope you know you're the first chick to get shot off-world in this galaxy. Caldwell's throwing a hissy fit. Personally, I think it's friggin' awesome. And that Spiderman leap through Gate was truly inspired.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Someone's got a stick stuck up somewhere**_

You would. And that leap was slightly more out of preservation than imitating Spiderman. Although, I'd like to point out that this time, the riot wasn't my fault. Stephens insulted the Chief's son. The kid was a little feminine. Well, Stephens goes and mentions it.

Not even Weir's diplomatic skills are good enough to smooth over a mess like that. We're lucky we were only shot at. If Stephens had kept it up, we'd have been quartered, boiled and eaten by now.

Oh, and now I hear that Sheppard's trying to get me assigned to his team because he doesn't think I can handle myself. Since when does he care so much about me? I'm one of five female CO's. He shouldn't care so much about little ole me. He didn't try and switch Cadman to his team when she got hurt two months ago. It's freaking me out!

_**(&)**_

**_(2134)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Leader1_**

"Elizabeth?"

"Hanna, how are you feeling? I hope the surgery went all right."

"It went fine. Thanks. Um, I was wonderin' if the rumor was true."

"Which rumor?"

"That Colonel Sheppard is tryin' to have me re-assed to his team."

"He requested a transfer, but I turned him down."

"Thanks, Liz."

"If that's all…"

"Yeah, that'll 'bout do it. See you 'round."

**_(2136)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Leader1_**

_**(&)**_

_**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Rumors confirmed**_

Colonel Sheppard _did_ try to have me transferred, but Weir wouldn't let him. So that's all good. I'm still in command of my boys. BTW, Garrett is going to live so I can kill him for getting shot. Which I will. As soon as he gets out of the Infirmary.

And as for me, I'll be cleared for duty in two weeks if not sooner. I may have to blackmail a certain Scottish doctor, but hopefully, it'll be two weeks. Until then, Weir has me on shifts with night security in the Gate room. Snooze-shift. Luckily, I'm on with Stackhouse and he's good at keeping me amused.

Want to meet in your room? Carson isn't making me stay overnight.

Hanna

_**(&)**_

_**(2154)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military6**_

"Breck?"

"_Colonel_."

"Where are you? I checked the infirmary. Doc said he had to let you go because you were about to induce a riot with his patients."

"Trevin's quarters."

"Trevin?"

"Major Lorne. His first name is Trevin."

"I didn't know that."

"Hmm, strange. I thought you knew everythin' 'bout everyone under your command."

"That supposed to mean something, Major?"

"Why'd you try and have me transferred?"

"That was a mistake."

"Mine or yours?"

"Mine. I overreacted and I apologize."

"Apology accepted, sir, thank you."

"Good. Now, how's the arm?"

"I'm stuck in a damn sling."

"And your back?"

"Fifteen stitches under the skin, twenty four on top."

"Ow."

"Yeah, but it's all good."

"Major-"

"You do know I have a first name, right?"

"Hanna."

"And my nickname?"

"Hanna-Banana."

"So, why don't you use it, sir?"

"If I didn't know better, I'd swear you're flirting with me."

"Flirtin'? Y'know that may be the Vicodin talkin'. I just took two."

"Well, I guess drug-induced flirtation is better than nothing."

"You called 'cause you figured I'd be an easy mark when I was drugged?"

"You're an officer under my command, you were injured. I'm checking up, Breck."

"_Right._ Checkin' up."

"No, really! What're you doing right now? See, I'm checking up on you."

"Right now? I'm talkin' to you."

"And that means?"

"That your check-up was successful."

"Yeah… so, back to the original question. What're you doing, Major?"

"Currently? Like right now?"

"Yes. Currently. Like right now."

"Lyin' on Trevin's bed 'cuz as you so eloquently put it before my back's torn to shit."

"I'm a descriptive kind of person."

"I can tell."

"And what're you going to be doing in say twenty minutes?"

"Well, Trev's bribin' the kitchen into givin' him somethin' sugary and then we're gonna watch _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ which we stole from Lt. Zoft through means both devious and maniacal."

"_Trev_?"

"If I didn't know better, I'd swear that was jealousy in your voice."

"Why would I be jealous of Major Lorne?"

"Not sure. Come to think of it, why're we even talkin' 'bout this?"

"You brought it up."

"_I_ brought it up?"

"You were the one who was flirting, Major."

"I'm drugged, semi-conscious and off-duty. Good time to start usin' my first name."

"You're giving me permission to call you Hanna?"

"Yes, sir. A girl can only take so much answerin' to 'Major Breck' 'fore she needs a validation of her femininity."

"Validation of her feminity?"

"Well, that and I get tired of just bein' Major Breck or Major or Breck or whatever else people 'round here call me. My daddy did give me a name. Women like to occasionally reminded that they are thought of as women."

"I had no idea. I'll be sure and try that on Lt. Gordon tomorrow morning."

"Probably shouldn't test that theory on Pam, sir."

"Pam? I'm assuming that's her first name?"

"Yesssir. And she's also, um, well, I just wouldn't recommend you callin' her Pam. Or anythin' other than Lt. Gordon."

"Why?"

"Ever heard the term 'femi-Nazi'?"

"Oh."

"Yeah, that 'bout sums it up."

"Well, I suppose turn-around is fair play or something like that. Anyway, I'm off-duty too, so you can call me John. And don't tell me you feel uncomfortable doing that, I've heard you calling Dr. Weir 'Lizzie'."

"She told me too. And what've you been doin'? Spyin' on Girl's Poker Night?"

"Me, spy? Never. I just happen to have an informant among your ranks."

"Would that informant happen to be blonde, innocent and have a huge crush on you therefore makin' her susceptible to your every ever so subtle interrogations?"

"Maybe."

"Cute, sir."

"I thought we agreed that you'd call me John."

"No, we never actually vocalized it. You agreed to call me Hanna. I never agreed to call you John."

"I can make it an order."

"You could, but uh, we're off duty."

"You really are a smart-ass, aren't you?"

"Yessir."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Depends on how you want to take it."

"For the time being, I think I'll take it as a good thing."

"Hey, Trevie. Sorry, gotta go, Trevin's back and he's got chocolate. That trumps you. Night, sir."

_**(2203)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military1**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Your pathetic attempt at Cupid**_

You failed to mention that she's dating Lorne. I just made a complete fool of myself. And I mean a complete fool. It was going just fine until she announced that she was in Lorne's quarters. On his bed. Then she hung up on me when he came back with chocolate.

It's called Intel, McKay. Learn to use it in the future.

_**(&)**_

_**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: She's dating who?**_

She's not dating Lorne. They grew up together in South Carolina or something. Stop being such a freak and ask her out already.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Injury Form: 1/25/2006**_

_**Patient: Major Hanna Breck**_

**_Injury: Gunshot wound to upper left arm. Lacerations to back and shoulders._**

**_Diagnosis: Gunshot wound was a through and through. The additional lacerations were caused by a fall down the steps of the Gate platform. According to her team members, there was debris around the Gate steps that resulted in the lacerations._**

**_Recommendation: Bed rest and pain killers for one to two weeks. Check-up and barring complications, medical release to light duty._**

_**Physician: Carson Beckett**_

_**(&)**_

**_To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org_**

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Blah**_

Do you still have my Chris Botti CD?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

**_From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org_**

_**Subject: Blah blah**_

Yeah. I'll bring it by after my shift.

_**(&)**_

**_To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org_**

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Blah-blu-blee-ah**_

My ceiling has holes in it.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

**_From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org_**

_**Subject: Re: Blah-blu-blee-ah**_

Bored?

**(&)**

**_To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org_**

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

**_Subject: Just a wee bit_**

I'm stuck in bed for the next week! I'm not allowed to do ANYTHING! I'm going STIR CRAZY!

Oh, and because my next door neighbors are the CMO and a psycho commando, I can't leave my room because one of them chooses that exact moment to stick his head out of his room or come back to his quarters for something and then they yell at me and make me go back to bed. Ronon is surprisingly maternal for such a big scary guy.

Cheer me up.

_**(&)**_

_**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

**_From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org_**

_**Subject: Injured officer**_

Major Breck is in her room. She's bored, miserable, stir-crazy, just plain crazy and she keeps emailing me.

_**(&)**_

**_To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org_**

_**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Major Breck**_

How is that my problem, Cadman?

_**(&)**_

_**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

**_From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org_**

_**Subject: Re: Major Breck**_

Number One: She's an officer under your command. You have an obligation to keep her somewhat entertained.

Number Two: You have a crush on her. Don't deny it, sir, everyone knows.

Number Three: She can actually talk to you. Anyone else talks to her and she goes into ADD mode and zones out three minutes into the conversation. It's not pretty, I've seen her do it in front of the International Oversight Committee.

Number Four: My boyfriend is CMO on base.

_**(&)**_

_**(0947)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military6**_

"Breck?"

"Colonel. Nice of you to call. How's things? Killed any alien creatures recently? Blown anythin' up? Taken over any planets and claimed them under the flag of the United States?"

"How much sugar have you had?"

"Uh… none."

"Well… that's just frightening."

"Guess so. Why'd you call?"

"Because Cadman's frightening."

"In which way?"

"Every way."

"Yeah."

"Is she always like that?"

"Um…yep. Why d'you ask?"

"Oh, no reason. Hey, what's Christenson's first name?"

"Sergeant Christenson?"

"Yeah."

"Uh… dang it, I know this. It's a Beatle."

"The six legged kind?"

"No. The singin' kind."

"John? Paul? Ringo? George?"

"Davey."

"That's not one of the Beatles."

"But Davey Jones was a member of the Monkees."

"How did you get from the Beatles to the Monkees?"

"In a roundabout sorta way."

"Oh, well, thanks."

"Doin' paperwork?"

"Unfortunately. You know, your teams reports are buried in of these piles somewhere."

"Heh, no, it's not. I ain't started it yet."

"Well, your XO's version is."

"Oh, those'll make for fascinatin' readin'. I'll just go ahead and warn you now that Martinez writes like he's a Harlequin romance author. So, at some point durin' his report, a dastardly villain will try and take advantage of my honor and Martinez'll sword-fight someone and I'll save the day wearin' as little clothin' as possible."

"Harlequin romance author?"

"Bodice rippin' fun."

"Think I'll save that one till last."

"Wise move."

"You know I could always bring some paperwork to your room since you're so bored."

"Gee, what an offer. Think I'm gonna have to turn you down."

"I thought so."

"Laura put you up to this, didn't she?"

"No."

"_Colonel_."

"She may have mentioned something along the lines that you were alone and bored and emailing her a lot."

"Uh-huh. _Sure_."

"Are you questioning the word of a senior officer?"

"She pull the 'my boyfriend's CMO on base and I can see to it that your med exam takes twice as long,' scam?"

"Close."

"Well, she probably didn't come right out and threaten you. You bein' a senior officer and all. So, she implied it and then left it hangin'?"

"Exactly."

"Yeah, that's Cadman style. Slam, bam, thank you, ma'am."

"So, Breck, I remember something you said the last time we talked."

"I said a lotta things. This thing I said ain't gonna get me court-martialed, is it?"

"No, I don't think your tattoos are gonna get you court-martialed."

"Oh, those. What about 'em?"

"Well, you said you had a lot."

"Eleven."

"That's ten more than I have."

"You've got a tat, sir?"

"Something that no one will ever see."

"Is it one of those Frat-party-with-way-to-much-alcohol tattoos?"

"Something like that."

"So, what is it?"

"Guess."

"Guess? What are we, in grade school?"

"The only way you're gonna find out is if you guess, Major."

"Okay. Bugs Bunny?"

"No."

"Captain America?"

"More of a Superman guy myself."

"That a no?"

"That's a definite no."

"Uh, the McDonald's golden arches?"

"I see you miss fast food."

"I'd kill for a french fry, I'm not afraid to admit it."

"Wow, a human side."

"Hey, don't insult my human side. It's very sensitive."

"So sensitive that you don't show it often."

"Oh, yeah? What 'bout you?"

"What about me?"

"Well, you're all bluster and bravado in the face of danger and certain death. When's your human side get to peek out?"

"How did we go from talking about your tattoos to talking about my human side?"

"I change subject mid sentence. You'll get used to it."

"Oh, I will, will I?"

"I'm stuck in my room for a week and then only light duty."

"Does this mean we're going to have more conversations?"

"You got a problem with talkin' to me?"

"No. It's a good kind of distraction."

"Okay. I think I'll take that as a compliment."

"It's a flower."

"What's a flower?"

"My tattoo."

"I shudder to ask, but, uh, what kind?"

"A daisy."

"A daisy? Yeah, that's definitely somethin' _I_ wouldn't want nobody to see."

"The story is long, complicated and involves alcohol."

"I hope it involves alcohol if you got a daisy tattoo. I'd think it'd involve a lot of alcohol to get a daisy tattoo."

"Oh, really? What about your tattoos?"

"Well, I got eleven of 'em and some _were_ the cause of alcohol."

"So, you've said. Tell me about them."

"Well, they're probably torn up now, but I got some gnarly lookin' demon wings on my shoulder blades."

"I bet that hurt."

"Not really. I was sorta passed out when they did it. That one was an alcohol one. Vodka to be precise."

"I got a flower. _You_ got wings."

"I like to go all out when I do somethin'."

"Think I got that. What else?"

" '50s style pin-up on my right bicep. That one was alcohol free, no, wait… no, no, that one was mojitos."

"So, when you say pin-up you mean like the ladies in the sailor uniforms? That kind of pin-up?"

"Yeah."

"Interesting."

"Looked cool when I got it. Still does. Although every once in a while, someone casts aspersions on my sexuality."

"I would not be one of those."

"Thanks."

"Anything feminine?"

"A pin-up qualifies as feminine, Jo-, uh, sir."

"Hah! You almost called me John."

"So?"

"The tough, tattooed military exterior is slipping, Major."

"Nothin's slippin' nowhere."

"You're starting to relax around me."

"Says who?"

"Says the fact that you're telling me where you have your tattoos."

"You sound smug."

"Back to my original question. Any feminine tattoos?"

"Define feminine."

"Delicate?"

"How do you come up with delicate?"

"I don't know. That's just something I occasionally associate with being a female."

"Remind me to introduce you to Colonel Carter."

"Uh, Hanna?"

"Yeah?"

"Your tattoos."

"Oh, right back to that. Well, uh, I got a fairy on my left calf."

"A fairy. Like with wings and fairy dust?"

"Well, actually, it's Tinker-Bell."

"Tinker Bell? As in _Peter Pan_? That Tinker Bell?"

"Yessir."

"What…?"

"It was for my niece."

"You had a Disney character tattooed onto your skin for a relative?"

"She was a special kid."

"Was?"

"She died of leukemia two years ago."

"God, I'm sorry, Hanna."

"S'okay. She was a fighter."

"Sounds a lot like her aunt."

"Nod at my medals?"

"You do have two Purple Hearts."

"You checked my personnel file."

"I was curious."

"And I'm flattered."

"Two Purple Hearts, a commendation from General O'Neill. Good resume."

"It's a little embarrassin'."

"How?"

"Well, I ain't a big fan of fuss."

"Yeah, judging by the way you sat in a corner so the medical team focused on Garrett, I'd say you don't."

"His large intestine was trailin' on the floor! What was I s'posed to do? Get up and say 'Look what I can do! Look what I can do' complete with a funny little dance?"

"_You_ were shot in the arm."

"Carson says I was fine… well, I'm fairly certain that he would have told me if I was gonna die."

"Don't like my officers to gamble with their lives, Hanna."

"I'll try and avoid that whole gamblin' thing next time."

"Next time?"

"I've come to terms with my lot in life, Colonel. People shoot at me. I've accepted it."

"And you say I'm masochistic?"

"I ain't a masochistic. I'm fatalistic."

"There's a difference?"

"Big one."

"I see. Hang on, Major."

"Major? I'll have to call you back. Seems McKay's turning on Doomsday weapons again."

"Aye-aye, Colonel."

_**(1011)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Military6**_

_**(&)**_

_**(1014)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Science1**_

"McKay, we've had this talk."

"What talk?"

"The one about touching strange things. You remember that lecture I gave you just after you almost got your hand chopped off for touching that sacred relic on whatever planet we were on last Wednesday. That lecture?"

"Oh, well, it sounded more like a suggestion. And it wasn't a sacred relic. It was a toothbrush."

"I don't care what it was. Stop making things explode."

"It didn't explode. It… sparked. People around here are just jumpy."

"Zelenka told me half the lab is gone."

"It wasn't a half that I needed."

"_McKay, don't touch anything else until I get down there._"

"You don't really have to come down here. It would actually just impede the clean-up process."

"_McKay…_"

"Well, once the fire's out, it'll be easier to clean up."

"I'm coming down there."

"You'll have to walk."

"Why?"

"Because this alleged explosion you keep talking about may have knocked out all the transporters within a three hundred yard radius. There may even be personnel stuck in them."

"You're grounded."

"You can't ground me! I'm a grown man."

"Who blows things up."

"Zelenka startled me."

"Not an excuse."

"Yes, it is. It's just not a good one."

"Rodney… fix the transporters. I'll be there in five minutes."

"Well, if you must, come in from the north side. The south side's kind of smoky."

_**(1022)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Science1**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**(1146)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Medical1 **_

"Carson?"

"Lass, I thought we agreed you'd not call me for two hours."

"It's _been_ two hours."

"Really?"

"Believe me, I've been watchin' the clock."

"If that was an attempt to get me to release you for duty, it's not working."

"C'mon, Carson… _please_!"

"Lass, you were shot just two days ago."

"In the arm. That's like gettin' hit by a Harley when you could have been run over by an Escalade."

"That makes no sense."

"It does in my world. It's just my arm, Carson."

"Aye, just your arm, and what if it had been your chest, lass?"

"You woulda patched me up. You like me too much to let me die. 'Sides, your girlfriend woulda kicked your ass if I bit the dust."

"Aye, I would've patched you up, but what if you'd been paralyzed?"

"Well, then we'd be havin' this conversation in the Infirmary, wouldn't we?"

"You are incorrigible. You know that, right?"

"Yes, I'm well aware."

"What's that sound?"

"What sound?"

"That squeaking noise."

"Oh, that. Yeah, I'm jumpin' on the bed."

"You wouldn't."

"_Oh, yeah?"_

"Sit. Down. Now."

"I'm not really jumpin' on the bed. What d' you think I am, stupid? It hurts to shrug my shoulders."

"I don't care. You're moving. I can hear you moving."

"I'm walkin' to my dresser. I was actually gonna tap-dance to my dresser, but it hurts too much"

"You're not supposed to be moving around period. You're supposed to be in bed."

"Well, I wanna brush my hair."

"Well, don't."

"You tellin' me I can't brush my hair?"

"Your shoulders are injured. There's a chance you'll pop your stitches."

"I'll use my telekinetic powers."

"You're beyond stubborn, lass."

"I want my hair brushed."

"For a marine, you're awfully girly."

"Somethin' wrong with that?"

"Just an observation."

"Just 'cause I've spent three-fourths of my life crawlin' 'round in mud don't mean I don't occasionally enjoy bein' feminine."

"You're like an onion."

"You're analyzin' me?"

"No. There isn't a medical professional on the face of this or any other planet that's qualified to do that."

"Then stop referrin' to me as a vegetable."

"Have you taken your Vicodin yet?"

"No."

"I can tell."

"I'm hangin' up on you now."

"Goodbye, Hanna."

_**(1203)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Medical1**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Where are you?**_

Will you brush my hair? I can't do it because it pulls my stitches. Carson says he'll kill me if he has to stitch me up again. I'm inclined to believe him because his accent gets thicker when he's mad and right now, it's as thick as a milkshake. So, uh, let me know about the hair.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot org**_

_**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Hair**_

You want me to come down to your quarters and brush your hair. Do you have any idea how strange that sounds? It's almost as strange as that time you asked me to help you smuggle the Thanksgiving turkey off the farm because you'd named him Hank and couldn't bear the thought of eating him.

Still, seeing as how you pulled those all nighters with me in high school after I learned what shotgunning beer was, sure, I'll brush your hair.

But only after my shift gets over.

And no one finds out.

And I get out of babysitting should you ever reproduce.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Re: Hair**_

You're a major among lieutenants. And you're cute!

Oh, but I can't guarantee the no babysitting thing. You know you love kids. Even mine, which technically aren't around yet, but they will be and you will love them.

_**(&)**_

_**(1256)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Science3**_

"Katie?"

"Hi, Hanna."

"What're you doin'?"

"Cataloguing plant specimens. What're you doing?"

"Callin' everyone 'til I find someone who can talk. 'Cause I've seen _The Hitchhiker's Guide_ four times and I can quote _Top Gun_, word for word. I'm goin' nutters."

"I have _The Princess Bride_."

"Does it have Clive Owen in it?"

"Clive Owen?"

"Yeah, I've sorta got this weakness for guys with accents."

"I see and no it doesn't."

"You don't really wanna talk, do you?"

"I have a hundred samples to get through."

"Fine."

"Bye, Hanna."

**_(1300)- Radio disconnecting: Science3 from Military6_**

_**(&)**_

_**(1324)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military6**_

"Hanna."

"Uhhnn."

"Hanna."

"Wha' ?"

"For someone who wants to talk so badly, you're not saying a whole lot."

"Wanna sleep. Talk, bad. Sleep, good."

"It's eleven in the morning. Why're you sleeping?"

"Didn't sleep last night."

"Why not?"

"Kept rollin' onto my back. That'll ruin your night, lemme tell you. Well, that and Vicodin. That makes you sleepy so you forget all 'bout your injury and then you roll over on it and scream and the psycho commando from next door thinks you're under attack from the Wraith and comes bargin' into your room wavin' a big gun."

"So… you're making up for last night now?"

"Actually, I fell asleep waitin' for Trev to brush my hair."

" 'Scuse me?"

"Can't brush my hair 'cause of my stitches. Trev said after his shift he'd brush it for me."

"Lorne. Brushing your hair?"

"Yep."

"Lorne doesn't strike me as the hair brushing kind of guy."

"It's a blackmail thing. See, it was during high school… well, it's complicated."

"Did it involve spice tossers?"

"Spice tossers?"

"Vinegar, vodka and hot sauce."

"Oh, _Hot Shots_."

"Hot Shots?"

"Game my recon team used to play during downtime."

"You called it a game?"

"What else would I call it?"

"We used to call it 'Suicide in a Glass'."

"Yeah? Yours doesn't sound so bad to me."

"What could be worse than vinegar, vodka, and hot sauce?"

"Vinegar, vodka, jalapenos, cayenne pepper, sea salt, and Diablo hot sauce."

"God, I'd hate to get that cocktail."

"You get used to it after a while. I did. 'Course it kills your taste buds for five days."

"How many can you do?"

" 'Bout ten, eleven 'fore I start pukin'."

"We're talking shot glasses here, right?"

"Sometimes beer mugs. With those, I can only do three, then it gets messy."

"I'm not sure I could even do one."

"Probably not."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, no offense, Colonel, but, uh, _fly-boys_ ain't as tough as y'all think you are."

"Oh, we're not?"

"Don't worry, I don't hold it 'gainst ya."

"You actually call pilots 'fly-boys?' To their faces?"

" 'Course. There are other names for y'all, but I'm not allowed to tell you what they are. Personal safety reasons. You understand."

"You know, us _fly-boys_ have names for Spec-Ops too."

"Oh, really?"

"I'm not sure I can tell you. Personal safety issues. You understand."

"Hah-hah. Lemme guess, um, crazy-ass mother-fuckers, night ninjas? Stuff like that?"

"Pretty much, although there are a few I'm not repeating because I'm in the presence of a lady."

"You ain't technically _in_ my presence."

"Still not going to repeat them."

"Whatever you say. _Gonna walk all over you_."

"What was that?"

"Nothin'."

"Liar."

"Really, it wasn't nothin."

"Were you singing?"

"No."

"You were singing."

"Wasn't neither."

"You were singing."

"Fine. I was singin'."

"What?"

"What, what?"

"What were you singing?"

"Uh, 'These Boots Are Made for Walkin'."

"Nancy Sinatra, 'These Boots Are Made for Walking'?"

"No, Jessica Simpson, 'These Boots Are Made for Walkin'."

"You're making me feel old, Hanna."

"I'll have to work on that."

"Sing some more."

"You're kiddin.' "

"No."

"I can't sing."

"You just did."

"That was the Vicodin."

"I'm not buying that excuse again and I'm not disconnecting until you sing something."

"What's to stop me from disconnectin' from you?"

"You like me."

"And that's gonna stop me from hangin' up on you?"

"Yep. Sing something."

"Like what?"

"Anything."

"Um…"

"Don't tell me you've got stage-fright."

"No. Just can't decide what to sing."

"How about the song you were just singing?"

"Oh, I don't think so. Maybe if I was drunk and this was a karaoke bar."

"Okay, something else."

"I'm thinkin'. Ya know, you're the first guy to ask me to sing in a long time."

"There's a first time for everything."

"Clearly. Okay, I got one. You ain't gonna laugh?"

"No, I'm not going to laugh. I was the one who asked you to sing anyway. Why would I laugh?"

"Dunno."

"You don't make a whole lot of sense sometimes, you know that, right?"

"Fine. Here goes.** _'I said I wanna touch the earth. I wanna break it in my hands. I wanna grow something wild and unruly. I wanna sleep on the hard ground in the comfort of your arms, on a pillow of blue bonnets and a blanket made of stars, oh, it sounds good to me. I said, Cowboy, take me away, fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue. Set me free, oh, I_ _pray. Closer to heaven above and closer to you. Closer to you."_**

"Wow."

"Yeah, well, I told ya I couldn't sing."

"No, 'wow' as in that was good."

"Liar."

"Is this the voice of someone who's lying to you?"

"It would be if the owner of the voice was scared that I'd come down to his office and beat the crap outta him if he said it was bad."

"Trust me, it was good, Hanna."

"I can never tell. Is that the sarcastic tone or the sincere one?"

"_Hanna_."

"Fine. I s'pose it was okay."

"There that was all I wanted to hear."

"You're sorta sadistic, John."

"I know… hey, you called me John!"

"And now I'm gonna go and die of total mortification."

_**(1349)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Military6**_

_**(&)**_

_**The lyrics were from the Dixie Chicks 'Cowboy, take me away.'**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Atlantis Mail Delivery List: 1/26/2006**_

_**Letter from Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell to Major Hanna Breck- Deliver immediately**_

**_Letter from Bgd. General Jack O'Neill to Major Hanna Breck- Deliver immediately_**

_**Letter from General Hank Landry to Major Hanna Breck- Deliver immediately**_

_**Letter from Dr. Daniel Jackson to Major Hanna Breck- Deliver immediately**_

_**(&)**_

_**1/02/2006**_

Dear Hanna Banana,

I thought about you this morning. Siler fell off a ladder and I was reminded of that other time when he fell off that other ladder and wiped out that visiting general from the Pentagon. Yeah, good times all around.

So… everyone around here misses you. Okay, so General Landry said something about you being the biggest pain in the ass that he's ever had the fortune of pawning off on someone else, but he was smiling, so you know he was kidding.

Teal'c managed to talk some other chick into jogging with him every morning. Lieutenant Moreno, I think. Nice kid. I think he likes her. They eat lunch together almost every day.

And Daniel fell off a totem pole and tore some muscles three days ago. So, we're on down time. Oh and Carter just walked into my office and says to tell you hi. General O'Neill just walked in too. He says he hopes you're not wreaking too much havoc. Wow, people like you. I'm shocked.

Just kidding. Or am I?

So, what news of Earth to tell you? Hmm, how about Sgt. Keller is getting married to a pediatrician in town? You know, the tall one on SG9? Yeah, she's getting married in four months. Guy got her a huge ring. Well, that's what all the chicks around here are saying. Moving on…

Walter, AKA the guy who keeps us all from going to the wrong planet, well, he got to go off-world for a mission. Course he got shot, but he got to off-world. Don't freak out either. I know he's a friend and all. He'll be fine. He's pretty proud of his war wound.

That just about all I can think of right now, but I'll write again. I promise. Good luck, kid.

Cam

_**(&)**_

_**1/02/2006**_

They actually gave you your own command? Well, good for you, kid. Few things you should probably know though:

1- Don't ever act smart around the people who are actually smart. This will have dire consequences as they will pick and pick at you the minute you get something wrong. They will then continue to pick at you and pick at you and pick at you until you lock yourself in your office to escape. If you don't have an office, well, you're shit outta luck.

2- Always, always carry an extra clip. This will come in handy when you run into various, heavily armed bad guys. Actually, always carry two extra clips on the off-chance that you run into something heavily armored.

3- Being diplomatic is a very helpful skill. Unfortunately, I missed that day during training. You, however, being young can learn from your mistakes. If you can't say anything nice about the strange people in grass skirts, just smile and nod your head a lot.

4- Just don't get shot.

General O'Neill

_**(&)**_

_**1/02/2006**_

Major Breck, what can I say? It's quieter with you gone. It's also boring. I've been forced to yell at Lt. Gant and she looks like she's going to cry every time I raise my voice.

So, I'm writing you this letter to yell at _you_. The effect isn't quite the same, but I'm trying to avoid the pile of paperwork on the corner of my desk.

I'm sure you're lying on your bed right now reading this, so I'll start there. You should probably be doing your own paperwork so snap to and start working.

Knowing from personal experience gleaned from every time I've walked into your base quarters, your boots are probably lying on the floor, still covered in dirt and anything else you've stepped in recently. You should clean those up right now before they get ruined and this is where you'd say 'but I don't want to clean them up, I'll do it tomorrow.'

(Pause for dramatic effect)

Clean them up now.

Make sure your gun's cleaned and oiled.

Don't forget to eat your vegetables because I know you hate all vegetables.

General Landry

PS: Don't get shot.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Me**_

I'm reading my mail from Earth and everyone's telling me not to get shot. Does everyone really think I'm so reckless that I'd just run right out into the middle of a fire fight?

Okay, so I did that one time on Chulak, and then there was that time in Istanbul. And there was a few days ago, but that doesn't mean I'm going to run out and do it again.

BTW, you haven't shown up to brush my hair yet. I hate you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Re: Me**_

I love you. I hope you know that. I really do. And I'll be by to brush your hair later. I'm not off my shift yet.

So, just pop a Midol. Better yet, pop another Vicodin.

_**(&)**_

_**1/03/2006**_

It's just not the same without you hanging over my shoulder and badgering me about my glasses. When Jack visits, he tries to fill your spot, but he just doesn't have the same sense of humor that you do. Which is ironic because he annoyed me long before you were around.

Anyway, no one else has found my coffee stash. I'm thinking about making it easier to find. Then I can argue with someone about it.

Remember that time when the elevator stopped and we were stuck for two hours? I think we argued about what color my eyes were for a half hour. Good times.

Daniel

_**(&)**_

_**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Home**_

I'm officially home-sick. Are you coming soon or not?

_**(&)**_

_**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Re: Home**_

Ten minutes, babe, I promise. –HUG-


	6. Chapter 6

_**(1543)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Military6**_

"Hanna?"

"What?"

"What're you doing?"

"I'm tryin' to put my… OW! You sonuvabitch!"

"Excuse me?"

"Not you, Trev. I was cursin' at my shirt."

"Your shirt?"

"I'm tryin' to get dressed with one good arm and a back full of stitches."

"How's that workin' out for you?"

"Where are you and how long will it take you to get here?"

"I'm standing outside your door."

"Then get in here."

"You're just… _oh, hello_."

"Trev, we used to take baths together and we used to skinny dip together. Seein' me in my underwear ain't gonna kill ya."

"Who said anything about killing me?"

"Perv."

"Yeah, well… exactly how did you manage this, uh, arrangement?"

"I dunno."

"Does your arm really bend like that?"

"Just shut up and get me outta this."

"Okay, okay, hold on."

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

"Sorry. Where'd you get that bruise? Looks like you've been playing with Ronon. Or is that from when you took a swan dive into the Gate room?"

"I may have inadvertently taken a tumble."

"Before or after you got shot?"

"Um, last night actually."

"And what were you doing last night that could have possibly put you in danger of taking a tumble? Ow, careful, that's my nose."

"Sorry. It's nothin'."

"Uh-huh..."

"Stop starin' at me like that! I fell outta bed! Okay! It hurt."

"What do you mean you fell out of bed? How do _you_ fall out of bed? You sleep like a zombie. You don't move. You just cuddle and then cling like a fuckin' limpet."

"How the hell should I know? I was dreamin' 'bout'… uh, never mind."

"Anyone in particular I should know about?"

"Hey, Trevin?"

"What?"

"When was the last time that I kicked you? You know just hauled back and gave you a good one right to the reproductive area?"

"Right arm up. Slowly. Hmm, last time you kicked me? Probably when I came over and told you I'd enlisted. I took a knee to the groin then. 'Course you went right out and enlisted after me, so…"

"Y'know, it's strange, but I have an urge to do it again. Right now as a matter of fact."

"Keep up that attitude and there won't be any hair-brushing."

"You play dirty."

"When your best friend is a psycho, you learn to hedge your bets."

"Ow."

"Sorry."

"You say that and yet, I feel you don't mean it."

"Is this paranoia a recent thing, Hanna?"

"I'm not paranoid. Will you get your hand outta there?"

"Yeesh, Miss Touchy, you used to like my hand there."

"I also used to think George Michael was cute."

"Ouch. Low blow. That was below the belt."

"Just shut up and get my jeans."

"And where would said jeans be, milady?"

"Under my bed."

"Do I wanna know why your jeans are under the bed?"

"I cleaned my room."

"Ah, yes, the infamous Breck room cleaning technique. Shove everything under the bed and hope that new life forms do not form from your dirty socks."

"Shut up. D'you find 'em?"

"Yep. Okay, hang onto my shoulder."

"Uh, Trev, I think I can put my own pants on."

"Yeah, sure, that's probably what you said about the shirt."

"Jerk."

"Left leg first."

"I'll deny this if anyone finds out."

"You're not the only one. Okay, right leg."

"Do I get to zip 'em myself?"

"Smart-ass."

"It's just one of my many God given talents."

"I'm going to the commissary for a sec. You want anything?"

"Somethin' completely un-healthy and very bad for me."

"Deal. Be back in a bit to do whatever to your hair."

_**Radio Idle- (1359)**_

"Oh, Trevin!"

"Wha-? Hanna?"

"What was that noise? Did you just walk into a wall? You did, didn't you? You walked into a wall. Hah!"

"Banana, you remember that very bad for you thing that I'm supposed to be getting?"

"Yeah."

"It might be carrot sticks."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, wouldn't I?"

"You're vile."

"I like to think so."

_**(1401)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military6**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Our plan**_

You should've seen it. A truly memorable moment. Major Breck just came into the infirmary to get some Tylenol and Carson noticed that she was wearing clothes that weren't exactly easy for someone in her situation to get into. He asked her how she managed it and she said something about Lorne and her pants.

It also happened that Sheppard just happened to be in the infirmary too. I have never seen a man have a myocardial infarction, but if I did I imagine he'd have the look that Colonel Sheppard did.

_**(&)**_

_**(1412)- Radio connecting: Military7 to Military6**_

"Major Breck."

"Name and rank. 'Fraid I don't know my ID number. I do know my social security number though. You want that?"

"You're kinda weird, ma'am."

"Stephens, I ain't slept much."

"And that's my fault, ma'am?"

"Yes. It's definitely your fault, Stephens."

"Um, I have a letter for you."

"Okay."

"It's from Earth."

"Is it from Dominic Purcell?"

"Who?"

"Never mind. Who's it from?"

"Says anonymous."

"Well, I give you permission to read it to me."

"Are you really feeling that lazy, ma'am?"

"Pretty damn much."

"Okay, let's see."

"Wait, how'd you get my letter?"

"I dunno. It says 'Deliver to Lieutenant Stephens', but in the subject box is says 'For Major Breck'."

"Fine. Open it."

"Dear Hanna…"

"So far, so good. No death threats in the first sentence."

"_Okay_. 'Dear Hanna, wish you were here.' Wow, someone misses you, ma'am."

"Stephens, you want personal, early mornin', hand-to-hand sessions with Ronon?"

"Anyway, uh, 'Wish you were here. Earth is certainly less entertaining without you around. I was thinking about you the other night while I jogged around Juniper Park. Remember that's where we had our first date'?"

"Oi. That SOB. Okay, Stephens, does this have a name at the bottom?"

"Uh, no."

"Okay, close it and send it to me."

"Problems, ma'am?"

"Not unless you count ex-boyfriends who don't know what 'over' means."

"Yeah, I know all about those."

"Lucky for you, Bates is relatively normal, right?"

"Thank the good God above. Okay, ma'am, it's being delivered. I'm going down to the mess hall. You want anything?"

"Thanks, but I already got a food delivery comin'."

"Ten-four, pretty lady."

"Stephens, you're lucky not within kickin' distance."

"Miss you too, Ma'am."

**_(1426)- Radio disconnecting: Military7 from Military6_**


	7. Chapter 7

_**(1431)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military5**_

"Trev?"

"I just got down to the commissary. Hold your horses, will ya?"

"Michael sent me a letter."

"Michael as in General Michael Kent as in your ex-boyfriend, Michael?"

"Please tell me no one heard what you just said."

"Relax, I'm the only one cruising the dessert cabinet. Although the special of the day is eyeing me. Is it threatening?"

"No, it's gushy."

"Gushy? I wasn't aware that that word existed in your beautiful if limited vocabulary."

"There's a lot you don't know 'bout my beautiful if limited vocabulary."

"You can curse in thirteen different languages if the occasion calls for it. And usually when it doesn't."

"Fourteen languages, actually. Daniel taught me Unas. Want me to demonstrate?"

"Bitch. And that was meant in a loving way. Mostly."

"Look just get the food and get back here. You seriously gotta read this. It's like a Lifetime movie gone horribly, horribly wrong."

"Okay. Oh, wait, chocolate or caramel?"

"If you even gotta ask that…"

"Right, sorry, what was I thinking? Stupid question. See you in a minute, sweetheart."

"Freak."

_**(1437)- Radio disconnecting- Military6 from Military5**_

_**(&)**_

_**01/6/2006**_

Dear Hanna

Wish you were here. Earth is certainly less entertaining without you around. I was thinking about you the other night while I jogged around Juniper Park. Remember that's where we had our first date? Anyway, I digress.

I may be coming to the Pegasus Galaxy as part of a check-up by the Pentagon and I'll drop by for a visit. I think we could both stand to have a talk about what happened.

I miss you.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Radek- Zelenka-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Mail **_

If anyone sends me a letter that's anonymous, says Hanna-Babe, or anything that isn't Major Breck, Hanna Breck, or any other variation of my name, then I would be incredibly grateful if you could rip it up into itty-bitty pieces and throw it off the North Pier.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Radek- Zelenka-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: Re: Mail **_

All mail is digital, therefore I cannot '_rip it into itty-bitty pieces and throw it off the North Pier_.' However, I will make sure that all mail addressed to you has proper headings and was sent from a legitimate source.

_**(&)**_

_**To: Radek- Zelenka-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

**_Subject: Re: Mail _**

You just made the leap to my favorite scientist. Don't tell Rodney, he'll be devastated.

_**(&)**_

_**(1446)- Radio connecting: Military3 to Military6**_

"Michael's emailing you?"

"Laura, I so ain't in the mood for this right now."

"Hanna-Banana, you're never in the mood. For anything."

"Okay, that's true, I guess."

"What'd it say?"

"How'd you find out 'bout it anyway?"

"Rodney read your email over Radek's shoulder and called Carson who told me and I arrived at the brilliant conclusion that Michael was sticking his nose in it. Again."

"I knew it. It's the curse. D'you hate me or somethin'?"

"No, I don't hate you. What curse?"

"I wasn't talkin' to you. Anyway, you gotta be cursed by a Bolivian medicine woman to understand my, uh, predicament."

"Cursed by a Bolivian medicine woman? That's one story you haven't told at Poker Night."

"Yeah and I got good reasons for not tellin' it. Like my entire reputation."

"Oh yeah, that reminds me. Poker's in your room tomorrow night."

"What? Why?"

"It was Katie's idea. She said something about the mountain and Mohammed having a gun-shot wound."

"I'm gonna kill her."

"Liar. You're so bored, you'd sniff your own socks for somethin' to do."

"I'm not that bored… yet. Gimme a few more days."

"Oh, yeah? Well, _sources_ tell me you've been talkin' to Colonel Sheppard."

"Laura, you threatened him into talkin' to me. And your _sources_ are Carson and Rodney, so don't get too cocky."

"I only threatened him once and it wasn't really a threat."

"Well, what was it then?"

"A strong suggestion."

"Which in Laura speak translates to 'threat'."

"Another reliable source told me that he called you again and Carson said he turned all kinds of green when you were in the infirmary talking about Trevin getting in your pants."

"Trev helped me get dressed and I recall every single word that I uttered in the infirmary. There was nothin' 'bout Trevin gettin' in my pants."

"You might want to recant that statement. I'm told the nurses recorded it."

"What's the big deal, anyway?"

"Are you really that blonde?"

"I'm a redhead."

"You know what I mean."

"You're readin' too much into it, Laura."

"He likes you."

"Don't."

"Does."

"Don't."

"Does."

"Don't."

"I've never seen a man get so attracted to a woman so quickly. Except for maybe that movie, _Serendipity_."

"I worry 'bout you and that movie was stupid."

"He likes you. A lot."

"Yeah, so? He's my CO."

"In case you hadn't noticed, Hanna-Banana, rules and regulations around here aren't like they are on Earth. Half of Atlantis is already paired up."

"So?"

"_So_, go for it."

"Why exactly are you so interested in us hookin' up?"

"Because there's a pool and I've got money in it."

"People are bettin' on us? Wait, _you're_ bettin' on us? I-I mean, me and him and… people are bettin'?"

"Well, actually there are two pools. One is whether or not you two will start dating. That's the civilized one."

"There's an uncivilized one? Oh, wait, course there is. And that's the one you've got your money in."

"Yeppers."

"And?"

"Well, it's a little more R-rated than the first one."

"Uh-huh. And it is?"

"Which one of you gives into your carnal desires first and jumps the other one in the middle of the Gate room."

"Carnal desires? Oi…wait, who'd you bet on? Me or him?"

"Well, it was a tough choice."

"_Laura_."

"Him."

"Is that a backhanded way of sayin' that if I have better self-control?"

"Pretty much. He is a man after all."

"Who started this?"

"Stackhouse, I think."

"I'm gonna kill 'em."

"Nice to see you're feeling better."

_**(1514)- Radio disconnecting: Military3 from Military6**_

_**(&)**_

_**(1515)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military13**_

"You started a pool on my love life, Stackhouse?"

"Good afternoon, Major. Nice to hear from you. How're you feeling? Better, I hope. Did you know that murder is still illegal in other galaxies?"

"Stackhouse, gimme a damn good reason why I shouldn't cram my boot up your ass?"

"Because it's dirty?"

"Y'know there are places 'round here where your body won't be found for a very, very long time."

"I didn't start the pool, ma'am."

"Laura said you did."

"Truth be told, ma'am, it was the scientists. I just took credit for it because, well, they were too afraid to."

"The scientists? They gotta live vicariously through me? They couldn't just build a robot?"

"Nice Buffy allusion there, ma'am."

"Stackhouse?

"Yes'm?"

"Shut up."

"Bein' quiet, ma'am."

"Which scientist?"

"Sorry, ma'am, I have orders to be quiet."

"Tom, d'you _want_ me to haul my ass outta bed and come kill you?"

"Kavanaugh."

"Great. Abso-freakin' great. You do realize that the minute I try and kill him, he'll go cryin' to Caldwell and I'll get in trouble."

"I didn't think Colonel Caldwell particularly liked any of the scientists around here. Especially not Kavanaugh."

"He doesn't, but stuff like assault has to be written up to keep order. That means paperwork and a citation in my file."

"Kavanaugh could always get sent on a one-way trip in a broken transporter if you want. Purely by accident, of course. Be a shame if it happened on purpose."

"Nah, he'd know it was me."

"Okay, well, I have to go off-world now."

"What? Ugghh. Please don't tell me people just heard that conversation."

"Just Bates, Clint and Smith."

"I'll kill you."

"I'm sure you will, ma'am. Soon as I get back on base."

"There will come a time."

"Sure there will. Goodbye, ma'am."

_**(1522)- Radio disconnecting: Military13 from Military6**_

_**(&)**_

_**To: Jason- Stephens-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Luke- Garrett-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Ike- Fuller-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Rick- Martinez-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Carson- Becket-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Radek- Zelenka-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Alexi- Rousto-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Brad- Kern-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**_

_**Subject: The Pool**_

Breck found out about the pool and I'm taking bets on how long before Kavanaugh experiences some 'accidents'. Or I will be when I get back from wherever the heck I'm going. And on a happier and slightly less dangerous note, the Weir and Caldwell: Countdown to Romance will start tomorrow at eight o'clock tomorrow morning during the staff meeting.

Oh and Cadman? You'll get yours.

Tom


	8. Chapter 8

**(2209)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military6**

"Hey, Hannah- Banana. Where are you?"

"In bed. Where're you?"

"In bed."

"What's that?"

"What's what?"

"I can hear music in the background, John."

"Um, no, you can't."

"Yeah, I can."

"No, you can't."

"Yeah, I… is that Def Leppard?"

"No."

"It is too! You're listenin' to Def Leppard. HA!"

"As opposed to you listening to Jessica Simpson?"

"Hey, I'm a girl. I can listen to whatever the heck I wanna listen to."

"What's being a girl got to do with it?"

"Okay, say I was listenin' to Def Leppard. People would automatically assume that I was retro. Where as if someone hears you listenin' to Def Leppard, they're gonna assume that you're longin' for the days of the mullet and acid-washed jeans."

"In some twisted sort of way that made sense."

" 'Sides, I always had you pinned for a Jack Johnson kinda guy."

"Who?"

"Jack Johnson."

"I have no clue who you're talking about."

"Yeah, I didn't think you would. I'll let you borrow my CD sometime. Good singer."

"So, uh, what're you doing?"

" 'Sides listenin' to you turn off Def Leppard as fast as you can?"

"Yeah, besides that."

"Readin' a book."

"What book?"

"Eleven Up."

"What's it about?"

"A bounty hunter."

"One of those technical Tom Clancy books?"

"Actually, it's more of a funny book 'cause she ain't very good at her job."

"Then why's she a bounty hunter?"

" 'Cause she likes it."

"Uh-huh."

"You don't get it, do you?"

"Not really."

"It's funny. That's why I'm readin' it. 'Cause my life looks normal in comparison."

"Have a bad day?"

"Sorta."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Depends."

"On?"

"On how particularly patient you're feelin' at the moment."

"Is this conversation going to require patience?"

"A whole lot. And it's actually a little less of a conversation and a lot more like me complainin' loudly."

"Hang on a second. Hang on. Okay, go."

"Why now?"

"Because now I'm sitting down and I'm ready to absorb the whining."

"I said complainin', not whinin'."

"I paraphrased."

"Can I whine now?"

"Please do."

"One, I'm homesick. Two, I'm goin' through Mickey Dee's withdrawal. Three, I'm gonna kill Kavanaugh. Four, my arm and my back and my hip hurts. And, five, I'm gonna bring Kavanaugh back to life with black magic and then I'm gonna kill him again."

"Black magic?"

"Yes, magic that's black."

"You don't make a whole lot of sense at night."

"I try not to for medicinal reasons."

"That's it. I give up trying to figure you out."

"That's probably the smartest thing to do. I ain't even figured myself out."

"All right then. Good night, Hanna."

"Ciao, caro."

"You speak Italian?"

"A little. And I just like to say Ciao."

"Goodnight, Hanna."

**(2229)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Military6**

**(&)**

**(2234)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military5**

" 'My insurance doesn't cover PMS'."

"That's good to know. Neither does mine."

"No, Trev, you gotta guess what movie it's from."

"_Rambo_."

"What? No."

"_Jerry Maguire_?"

"That was 'You had me at hello'."

"All right. What movie is it from?"

"_Ten Things I Hate About You_."

"Okay. 'Here's looking at you kid'."

"Duh, _Casablanca_."

"Wow, clearly I am no match for your cinematic knowledge. Can I go to bed now?"

"No, and stop bein' a smart-ass. 'Any of you boys seen an aircraft carrier around here'?"

"_Top Gun_. Way too easy."

" 'You're a daisy iffin ya do'."

"Um, no idea."

"C'mon, Trev, think about it."

"I am thinking about it."

"I'll give you a clue. It's a western."

"Is it just a western or is it a John Wayne western?"

"Just a western."

"Okay, um, _Shane_?"

"Nope. I think Alan Ladd was dead when this movie was shot."

"Okay, so it's recent. How about, oh, cripes, is it _Tombstone_?"

"Yeah. Okay, what about this one? 'You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest… WITH… A HERRING!"

"God, I've watched that movie with you a million times."

"SAY IT!"

"_Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail_."

"Good for you."

"I'd like to go to sleep now, Banana Brains. If that's all right with you."

"That's fine. I think that I might just go and talk to someone else."

"Good night, babe."

"Night."

**(2249)- Radio disconnecting: Miltary6 from Military5**

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Michael**

Okay, since you have night shift, I'm sending you Michael's letter so you won't be totally bored out of your skull. Love ya.

**Attachment: Anonymous letter:**

**CC: banana-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**(&)**

**(0404)- Radio connecting: Military3 to Military5**

"Trevin."

"Trevin."

"TREVIN!"

"Shit! WHAT?"

"Grouch."

"Laura, it's, shit, it's four in the morning."

"Yeah, ask me if I care."

"Do you care?"

"No. Did you read the letter that Michael sent to Hanna?"

"Yeah… you woke me up for that?"

"Yes, I did. Get over it. Would he really just show up here on the next Daedalus flight?"

"I'm not sure."

"Trevin."

"Yeah, probably."

"And what would Hanna do if he did?"

"Jump off the South Pier."

"And in reality what would she do?"

"She'd avoid him by any means possible, take as many off-world missions as she could and spend a lot of time in her room where she would watch Monty Python over and over again until her accent became a terrible mixture of British and Southern."

"For a Teams girl, she's not so tough."

"Laura, the man proposed to her, left her at the altar, came back, proposed again and then almost got her killed."

"Okay, okay, I see your point."

"She really doesn't like him. And the only reason that she'd be hiding was probably so she didn't give into her animalistic urges and kill him."

"I'd like to see that."

"Laura."

"Well, I would. It's not like she talks about it. It's getting all bottled up inside her."

"She'll get around to talking about it."

"Yeah, after she goes berserk and kills him."

"Which you want to see."

"Yeah. Don't you?"

"Actually, I want to go to bed. Call your boyfriend, Laura."

**(0410)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military3**

**(&)**

**(0832)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military1**

"John!"

"Yes, Hanna?"

"You snuck up on me."

"Yes, I did."

"I just spilled my breakfast all over Colonel Caldwell."

"Yes, you did."

"D'you have any idea how hard it is to carry a tray with one arm and keep an eye out for Scottish doctors all at the same time?"

"No."

"You laughed at me."

"Yes, I did."

"I despise you."

"I know."

"I'm gonna hang up you now."

"I had a feeling you would."

**(0833)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military1**

**(&)**

**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: None**

Has she always been that jumpy?

**(&)**

**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: None**

By 'she,' I'm going to assume that you're talking about Hanna. And yeah, she's always been that jumpy. Especially in the morning. Especially on pain medication.

And, Colonel, just a friendly warning from someone who's known her since she was born, you can expect pay-back. And it won't be nice.


	9. Chapter 9

**Injury Form- 1/26/2006**

**Patient: Dr. Jeff Kavanaugh**

**Injury: Twisted ankle due to a fall down a set of stairs and various bruises.**

**Diagnosis: Minimal swelling. No broken bones. Sprained. Minor bruising.**

**Recommendation: Bed rest with aspirin until ankle can bear weight. Then only light duty until full weight bearing capability is reached.**

**Physician: Carson Beckett.**

**(&)**

**(0914)- Radio connecting: Military13 to Military6**

"Y'know, ma'am, when I suggested that you push Kavanaugh down the stairs I wasn't serious."

"What're you talkin' 'bout, Tom?"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Everyone knows."

"Well, I obviously don't."

"Kavanaugh biffed it down the stairs and twisted his ankle."

"Did he? Well, that's too bad. I should send flowers."

"You're scaring me, ma'am."

"I don't know why. _I_ didn't push him down the stairs."

"Uh-huh."

"Tom, d'you really think I could get out of bed, make it all the way across base to wherever he did his little tumbling act, physically push him down the stairs and then get back to my room without anyone seein' me?"

"You are Black-Ops, ma'am."

"Well, I didn't."

"Whatever you say, ma'am."

"However, bribin' Radek into switchin' his shampoo with a vegetable oil and peanut butter smoothie is definitely somethin' I could do. Y'know, if I'd wanted to do somethin'."

"You didn't."

"I'd recommend bein' outside his quarters with a camera after he gets back from the infirmary. In, oh, say an hour?"

"Ma'am, if you weren't my senior officer and I wasn't dating Kate, well, I'm pretty sure I'd marry you."

"It's nice that you have a back-up plan, Tom."

**(0922)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military13**

**(&)**

**To: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Bet**

Two King Size Hershey bars on Colonel Sheppard falling for Breck within two weeks.

Oh and another two more on Weir and Caldwell hooking up before the Daedalus comes back. So that's two days.

**(&)**

**To: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Bet**

One mainland trip on Hanna falling for Colonel Sheppard within four weeks. Trip comes complete with overnight stay at the Athosian village and full shift coverage.

**(&)**

**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Colonel Caldwell**

Ma'am, I know the reason that Colonel Caldwell didn't go back on the Daedalus was so that he could have a break, but he's driving me crazy.

Please do something before I toss him over a balcony.

**(&)**

**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-a-Base-dot-org**

**From: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Colonel Caldwell**

I asked him to accompany Team 4 off world in a few hours. Think you can hold out till then?

**(&)**

**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Colonel Caldwell**

Ma'am, you are a wonderful, wonderful woman.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Paranoid**

Do you ever get the feeling that stuff's going on behind your back? I swear when I'm in my office doing paperwork that people are watching and plotting. And so far this morning, I've only done one bad thing.

**(&)**

**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Paranoid**

I know the feeling. Only one bad thing? Wow, you're losing your touch.

Oh and whatever Kavanaugh says about me, it isn't true. Just thought I should clarify that in case he does say something to you. About you know, anything. Because I had nothing to do with whatever he happens to bring up.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Paranoid**

Does this have something to do with him having to cut his hair? That was you?

**(&)**

**(1012)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military1**

"You're alone right?" 

"Yeah. Oh and again, I apologize for making you dump your food all over Caldwell."

"No you don't. I can hear you laughin'."

"No, I'm serious."

"Uh-huh."

"Although he did look pretty funny with those Cheerios stuck to the top of his head."

"You so ain't sorry. And just so you know, turnin' away from the radio when you laugh don't mean I can't hear it. You cannot sneak up on injured women with tenuous grips on their breakfast trays."

"Why were you in the commissary this morning? I thought you were supposed to be on bed-rest."

"I snuck out. Ronon helped."

"What'd you do, lock Carson in his room?"

"Somethin' like that. Why?"

"Doesn't your back hurt?"

"Quite a bit, actually. My arm too."

"And yet you still went to the commissary."

"I wanted Cheerios. Which I didn't get to have."

"All right, then I'm sorry about you not getting to have Cheerios this morning."

"Apology accepted."

"That's it? I don't have to grovel?"

"Grovelin' is of no use to me 'less you're gonna shine my combat boots while you're down there."

"You're oddly practical."

"Yeah, it comes from growin' up in the South. Anyway, I may have accidentally master-minded a criminal act."

"How do you accidentally master-mind a criminal act?"

"Um, accidentally?"

"Am I going to have to court-martial you for this criminal act? Because that would make my day go from good to bad."

"Depends. Are peanut butter and vegetable oil grounds for court-martial?"

"So that _was_ you."

"Why does everyone say that? It's either that or '_You_ _didn't_.' 'Course I did. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have brought it up."

"Okay, okay, just tell me that you covered your tracks."

"Is that sorta like havin' someone else do all the dirty work?"

"Yeah, it's sort of like that."

"Yeah. I think I covered all those bases."

"Okay, then unless your accomplice cracks under an interrogation, I think you're safe."

"Good."

"Speaking of accomplices…"

"Yeah, right. I ain't givin' up my partner in crime. You can torture me till Armageddon, I'll never talk."

"That's okay. You don't need to. Who do you think stood guard for him?"

"You didn't."

"Sure I did. I didn't know you were the one pulling the prank, but I stood guard."

"Holy succotash."

"Holy succotash?"

"Don't ask."

"Don't think I'm going to."

"You stood guard for Radek? Hah!"

"What's so funny about that?"

"Nothin'. It's just, um, you stood guard?"

"Yes."

"Wow."

"Sometimes, I worry about you, Hanna."

"That's okay, everyone does."

"I have to go now."

"And do what?"

"Keep Ronon from killing and or seriously injuring the marines on the workout mats."

"_Whataboutdinner_?"

"What about what?"

"Just wonderin'."

"Yeah, see I really have no idea what you're wondering. About anything. Especially what you just said."

"Are you makin' fun of me?"

"No. I'm wondering what you're saying."

"Okay in a roundabout sort of way, I might sort of be askin' if you want to come down to my quarters after Ronon kicks your ass and maybe eat dinner with me while we watch a movie."

"In a roundabout sort of way, you might be asking me this?"

"Yeah in a very roundabout sort of way, I might be askin' you that."

"Okay."

"Okay what?"

"Okay in a roundabout sort of way, where you might have asked me a question about something, I'll come and eat dinner in your quarters."

"Do you have a movie preference?"

"Not _Pretty Woman_."

"Never seen it."

"Really? I thought every chick had seen _Pretty Woman_."

"Well, I haven't. And I resent the use of the word chick."

"Okay, okay. What about something action?"

"_Ssssswwwwweeeeeetttt_."

"You're kind of strange, Hanna-Banana."

"Yeah."

"Okay, well, I… wait did you say after Ronon kicks my ass?"

"Oh, look. Carson's here! Gotta go. Bye!"

**(1024)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military1**

**(&)**

**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Dinner**

Blue or green?

**(&)**

**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Dinner**

For what? Your dinner? Color of the sky? The color you're planning on dyeing your hair?

**(&)**

**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Dinner**

My shirt color. Blue or green?

**(&)**

**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Dinner**

Blue. Why do you want to know about shirt colors?

**(&)**

**To: Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Dinner**

That's classified, but you're welcome to speculate. Have a nice rest of the day.


	10. Chapter 10

**(1834)-Radio connecting: Military3 to Military6**

"Did I just see Colonel Sheppard walk into your room?"

"No."

"Liar."

"No, I ain't."

"Hanna, every single female on Atlantis knows what Colonel John Sheppard looks like from the back, me included. And I just saw his rear-end go into your room."

"Let me get this straight, Laura. You called me to admit that you routinely stare at other men's backsides?"

"I, uh… you're getting off topic."

"No, I'm gettin' ready to watch a movie. Can we have this conversation some other time?"

"No, we cannot have this conversation some other time."

"Laura."

**(1839)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military3 and Military6**

"Lieutenant Cadman."

"Colonel?"

"Major Breck and I are a little busy at the moment. Can she call you back?"

"Y-yeah."

"Okay, then. Have a nice evening, Lieutenant."

**(1843)-Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Military3 and Military6**

"I'm expecting details."

"You need serious medical help, lady."

"DETAILS!"

"Goodbye, Laura."

**(1844)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military3**

**(&)**

**To: Carson- Beckett-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: HAH!**

He's in her room right now! They're watching a movie! I love playing Cupid.

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Carson- Beckett-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: HAH!**

You do realize that you really had nothing to do with their situation, don't you? And Katie's looking for you. Something about Girl's Poker Night.

**(&)**

**(1848)- Radio connecting: Science3 and Science1 to Military6**

"Hanna!"

"Hang on a minute, John. What, Katie?"

"Nothing."

"Okay, since I can tell Rodney's listenin' in on this conversation, 'cause I can hear him breathin' in the background, I'll make this nice and simple for you. Stop CALLIN' ME!"

**(1850)-Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Science3 and Science1**

**(&)**

**(1856)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Military6**

"Hanna."

"AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH! WHAT?"

"Taken your Midol today?"

"I'm tryin' to watch a movie."

"Yeah, I know. Everyone on Atlantis knows."

"Well, grand, swell for them."

"Weir says you're on duty for tonight."

"And Carson is lettin' her do this?"

"She's putting you on with Stackhouse and she promised him that all you'd be doing is sitting in a chair, staring at computer panels."

"And Carson agreed to this?"

"After a little cajoling."

"And by cajoling you mean…"

"She told him that you would."

"Ah-hah."

"She knows you're going stir crazy."

"Hang on, Trev. No, see this ain't supposed to make sense. Yes, I know it's succeedin'. No, Dr. Jackson doesn't like this movie. He's got this thing 'bout the purity of legends. Okay, Trev, I'm back."

"Explaining to the complexities of Monty Python to Colonel Sheppard?"

"Yeah, so what time does my shift start?"

"Two."

"In the mornin'?"

"That's generally when night duty happens. At night."

"I hate you. No, not you, John. Trevin."

"Have fun."

**(1906)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military6**

**(&)**

**Sign out- Rick Stanford- 0201 **

**Sign out- Trevin Lorne- 0202**

**Sign in- Hanna Breck- 0203**

**Sign in- Tom Stackhouse- 0203**

**(&)**

**(0328)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military6**

"Hey."

" 'Less you're my fairy Godmother gettin' ready to whisk me away from starin' at blinkin' lights, you're not gonna make me feel any better."

"Grouchy."

"We got maybe a half of a quarter of that movie watched."

"People like you."

"No, people are nosey."

"Well, think about it this way. We get to finish it later."

"Yeah, right."

"Are you always so cynical, Hanna?"

"Pretty much."

"Hmmm, laid back and cynical. Interesting combination."

"You know what just occurred to me?"

"What?"

"It's oh-three-thirty in the morning."

"Yeah, and?"

"You're awake. Why're you awake?"

"Because I'm talking to you."

"Don't you have a mission at nine?"

"Yes."

"Well, then sleep, you strange man, sleep."

"Is that your fancy way of telling me that you're hanging up on me because Stackhouse just brought you hot chocolate?"

"How'd you know that?"

"Look down."

"Hey."

"Hey, yourself."

"What're you doin' down there?"

"Rodney dragged me down to his lab to turn something on."

"At oh-three-thirty?"

"Yeah. That's usually when he has his most brilliant moments."

"He doesn't know I got the gene too, does he?"

"Maybe I should tell him."

"You wouldn't."

"Well, I'd wait until you were better."

"I can't believe you. We shared Monty Python."

"Yeah, about that…"

"What? Too weird for you?"

"No, I just think you're going to have to keep up a running commentary so I have some idea of what's going on."

"I lost you at the coconut part, didn't I?"

"Sort of."

"Well, I'll explain tomorrow night."

"Your quarters or mine?"

"Depends."

"On?"

"How far away your room is from Rodney's lab?"

"I guess we're back in your room then."

"G'night."

"Night, Hanna."

**(0339)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Military6**

**(&)**

**To: Ike- Fuller-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Rick- Martinez-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Carson- Beckett-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Radek- Zelenka-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Alexi- Rousto-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Brad- Kern-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Jason- Stephens-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Luke- Garrett-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Conversation**

Just to give y'all a little advantage over the ladies, I'm watching Major Breck have a conversation from the balcony with Colonel Sheppard.

The whole thing's a little bit like Romeo and Juliet. She's grinning like a love struck idiot and he's looking pretty much the same. Just a little something to help you with your betting decisions.


	11. Chapter 11

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Last night**

So, how was your date last night?

**(&)**

**To: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Last night**

It wasn't a date.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Don't deny it**

That was a date if I've ever seen one.

**(&)**

**To: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: I'm not denying anything**

Oh, yeah? And how many dates have you actually seen?

All we did was eat dinner and watch a movie. Or, you know we tried to watch a movie, but since everyone on Atlantis just had to talk to me last night, we didn't get that far into it.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Sounds like a date to me **

And what was it that you two didn't get that far into exactly?

**(&)**

**To: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Katie**

I have abused my privilege as a military commander here on base and had your girlfriends' hand-held taken away so if she comes crying to you, then you can tell her that she can have it back when she learns to stop picking on me.

Major Breck 

PS: Stephens has it and the deal is that she has to go for one hand to hand lesson before she gets it back. You know, since she seems so fond of skipping her sessions with Teyla.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: This is Katie**

I hope you fall off a balcony.

**(&)**

**To: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: I don't if you're the Dalai Lama**

At least they'll know where to start looking for suspects if I'm pushed.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: What if I was the Dalai Lama?**

If you're pushed? Try _when_ you're pushed. I know people.

**(&)**

**To: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: I still wouldn't care**

You know people? Okay, if you're referring to the influence that you have over the commissary guy on getting him to slip you extra pudding, I'm not exactly shaking in my boots right now. If you recall, I also know people. People who make your people took like pansies. Broken pansies. Especially when _my_ people are done with them.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: This is McKay **

Katie says to look on your door. Something about Martinez leaving you a present.

And will you two please just get together and have a catfight in the middle of the hallway like normal women instead of doing it electronically?

Unlike you two, I actually use my computer to work.

**(&)**

**To: Rick- Martinez-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Your soon and painful demise**

I know that you know that I know that you know who put that card on my door and you better start naming names.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Rick- Martinez-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: You'd actually kill me? C'mon, I thought I was the cute one**

How do you know I didn't do it myself?

**(&)**

**To: Rick- Martinez-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Well, maybe not kill. Castrate, possibly**

You're too worried that I'll transfer you to workouts with Ronon instead of Teyla and switch you to scientist watch detail for the rest of your life. Now, spill.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Rick- Martinez-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Castrate? What are you nuts?**

Rumor has it the guy who did the deed was bout 6'2 with spiky brown hair and his name might start with a 'T' and end with a 'revin.' But you didn't hear that from me.

**(&)**

**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Thanx for the card**

I'm going to kill you.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: You're welcome**

You know I really don't feel like dying today. Do you think we can reschedule?

IT WAS CADMAN. I SWEAR ON THE OLD FORT THAT WE HAD IN THE BACKYARD. IT WAS CADMAN.

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Eh….**

I'm going to find someone to throw you off a pier.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Eh….**

Enjoy your note? 'Cause it wasn't me, but I did notice it when I walked past your door this morning. Cute. Wish I'd thought of it.

'Course at the moment, there's not a whole lot you can do about it just hanging there on your door for everyone to see, can you? I mean, you're hardly in a position to just get up and go get now, aren't you?

Tell my boyfriend I said hi.

**(&)**

**(1023)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military4**

"Ronon."

"Breck."

"I need you to do somethin' for me."

"Rumor has it that you want people killed."

"Yes, well, we're just gonna skip that part right now, but, uh, feel free to keep it in mind. Are you in your room?"

"Yes."

"Go into the hall."

"All right."

"Are you in the hall?"

"Yes."

"See that abomination on my door?"

"The red and pink card with hearts all over it?"

"Yeah, that. Well, I'd like it if you'd take it off my door."

"Why?"

" 'Cause I'd like you too."

"Why?"

" 'Cause I'm in the Infirmary and I can't do it myself."

"Re-injure yourself?"

"Maybe."

"You tried to take the card off your door and re-opened your stitches."

"Are you takin' down the card or not?"

"What do you want me to do with it?"

"Can you rip it into little tiny pieces and slip it into Cadman's salad at lunch time?"

"I'll put it in your room."

"No! D'you think I wanna remember it?"

"Fine. Here."

"Here what?"

"I gave it to Sheppard."

"WHAT!"

"He was walking past."

"Ronon!" 

"Your problem now."

**(1034)- Radio disconnecting: Military4 from Military6**

**(&)**

**(1035)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military1**

"I want my card."

"Really? Because Ronon just said that you didn't want it."

"Well, I've changed my mind."

"Could that change of mind have anything to do with the fact that our names are in a big heart on the front of it?"

"Possibly."

"That bother you?"

"What? The 'name in a heart' thing? Or the 'it was hangin' on my bedroom door for everyone and their grandma to see' thing?"

"Pick one."

"The names in the heart thing is a little weird. It's like bein' back in grade-school and my best friends are playin' Cupid."

"Oh, it's not just yours, Banana."

"Rodney's in on it to?"

"As far as I can tell, half the base is in on it."

"It's weird."

"What's weird?"

"The first time we talked you didn't even know my first name. And now, a week and a half later, you're callin' me Banana like we've known each other for years. The only one who really does that is Trevin."

"You want me to go back to calling you Major Breck?"

"No, I like bein' called Banana."

"What about Hanna Banana?"

"It's either Banana or Hanna, not both at the same time. Or you know I could always make up a nickname for you."

"Oh, yeah? Like what?"

"Oh, we could have fun with this one. Let's see, oh, we have a vote for Johnny. Two for Colonel Johnny. Oh and Amber wants to call you, 'Fine-boy,' which I think is a play on the words 'fine' and 'fly-boy'."

"Amber?"

"Sgt. Olsen. She's one of the nurses in the infirmary."

"And you and the nurses are sitting around making up nicknames for me?"

"Yeah. We're waitin' for Carson to finish with Garrett so he can check my stitches."

"Hurt yourself again?"

"Yeah. I wasn't thinkin' and I grabbed the card. Tore some stitches."

"So you never actually read the inside of the card."

"No. Why? Is it gonna give me an aneurysm?"

"Probably."

"Okay, hang on. No, Amber, I don't care how much you got ridin' on this. Shoo. Shoo. You too, Naomi. Don't think I don't see you hidin' behind the defibrillator. Shoo."

"You sound like my mother when she used to chase us out of the kitchen."

"Yeah, well, I used to chase chickens out of my bedroom. Okay, tell me."

"Chickens?"

"Trevin had a very twisted sense of humor."

"I see. Ready now?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sitting down?"

"Yes."

"A love poem for John and Hannah."

"A love poem?"

"Boggles the mind, doesn't it?"

"A little. I didn't think anyone 'round here could write a love poem."

"I don't know. I was a damn good Cyrano back in high school. Had a pretty lucrative business around Valentine's Day."

"Did you just reference Cyrano de Bergerac in relation to your high school days?"

"Yeah, he was the one with the big schnozz who wrote poetry, right?"

"I think we need to have a talk sometime 'bout referencin' classic literature."

"I'm ready and waiting. Okay, back to the poem. 'When John and Hanna first met, it was like Kismet. A collision of fate, after this, me they're gonna hate'."

"Ya got that right."

" 'Oh, this ode to John and Hanna, the one he so fondly calls Banana'."

"Maybe you should go back to callin' me Breck. Hell, I'll make it easy for them. Change it to somethin' not so easy to rhyme."

"Can I finish?"

"Sorry, go on."

" 'Hanna and John were meant to be, their wedding in the commissary shall be. We'll throw rice and Tava beans, McKay has volunteered to sing'."

"That doesn't even rhyme."

"Tell me about it."

"Is this hand-written by any chance?"

"Nope, typed. Why?"

"Sorry, _CSI_ moment."

"Is it over?"

"Hang on. Uh, yeah, go ahead."

"Okay, Tava beans, McKay singing. Here we go, 'After the massacre, when they discover the culprits behind this card, I alone, completely unsuspected, will live to tell the tale of those who tried hard. To tell the ballad of 'John and Hanna.' The end."

"There's gonna be a massacre all right."

"Or we could find out who it is and lock them in a holding cell with nothing but green beans to eat."

"Green beans?"

"I don't like them."

"You don't like green beans? I love green beans. What about green bean casserole? What about when they're all snappy fresh from the garden?"

"It's like eating little green worms covered with slime and then something crunchy poured over the top. And I don't even like them when they're all snappy fresh from the garden."

"Oh, yuck, you're makin' me not like them now. You are one disturbed man, John Sheppard."

"Oh, yeah? And what foods don't you like?"

"Cabbage."

"Now, see, I love coleslaw."

"Uccckkk."

"What about lima beans?"

"I can handle 'em if it's a veggie mix."

"Really? I hate them."

"Do you like any kind of food that's green? 'Sides cabbage?"

"Green peppers. And red and yellow ones too."

"Those are okay, but I hate stuffed peppers. They're either fresh or not fit to eat."

"I'm gonna have to agree with that one. Okay, no stuffed peppers tonight."

"Tonight?"

"We're finishing Monty Python."

"Oh, yeah. Totally slipped my mind."

"Liar."

"So? You're the one who won't eat green beans. Maybe I'll ask the kitchen to make green bean casserole."

"Maybe I'll show up at your door in the middle of the night with a head of cabbage and put it under your covers."

"Like the horse head in _The Godfather_?"

"Yeah."

"I hate that movie."

"Really? Lorne said you were a movie addict."

"Yeah, of good movies. I can't stand _The Godfather One, Two_ or _Three_."

"So, Banana, what's your favorite movie?" 

"I don't have one. I like too many."

"Okay, top five action movies."

"_Mr. and Mrs. Smith, The Transporter, Pirates of the Caribbean, Blade Trinity _and uh…oh! _The Mummy_ and _The Mummy Returns_."

"That's six."

"I told you I like too many. What about you?"

"_Top Gun, Air Force One, Stealth_-"

"Those are all action movies with flyin' in them. What 'bout down to earth, ass-kickin' movies? Got any of those?"

"_Rumble in the Bronx, The Goonies_, and _The Cowboys_."

"_The Goonies_?"

"Yeah, pirate ship up the creek. That weird looking guy who makes friends with the fat kid. _The Goonies_."

"Yeah, I know what _The Goonies_ is. I'm just surprised you consider it one of your favorite action movies."

"I have favorite kids movies too."

"Okay, what are those?"

"Well, Banana, first there's _Toy Story_."

"Understandable."

"Then _Free Willy_."

"I love that movie."

"_Ice Age_."

"Aw, cute."

"I cannot believe those words just came out of your mouth."

"Well, they did. I am female, you know."

"Yeah. Every male on base is aware that you're female."

"I'll file that off-handed compliment away in the back of my brain for a day when I'm in a mooooood."

"Good. And last, but certainly not least, I like…um, _Oliver and Company_."

"When were you ever in a position where you watched kid's movies?"

"With my nephews. I used to baby-sit."

"Oh, really? How many do you have?"

"Four. And now they're all teenagers, but back when my sister and her husband used to go on dates, we'd stay up late and watch movies. Did you know that four hours of pop, M&Ms, and Michelle Pfieffer as Catwoman can completely rewire a ten year olds brain?"

"Catwoman?"

"I come from a super hero loving family."

"I can tell."

"So, those are my favorite kid's movies."

"Interestin'."

"I like to think so."

"And just so you know, _The Cowboys_ does not fall under the action genre. It falls under the 'make Hanna bawl like a baby' genre."

"You cried?" 

" 'Course I cried! It was sad!"

"You? Cried?"

"Two seconds away from disconnectin' you."

"Okay, okay. It was sad. I concede that much."

"Thank you. What's your favorite western?"

"Don't have one. Like pretty much all of them. You?"

"I got a couple."

"As in more than two?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, let's hear them."

"_McClintock, Tombstone, Support your Local Sheriff, Support your Local Gunfighter, Wide Open Range, Texas Rangers_ which was really kind of campy, but good… are you laughin' at me?"

"No."

"You are."

"It's just you sound so, I don't know, alive when you talk about movies."

"Huh?"

"Maybe you should have been a movie critic instead of a marine."

"Maybe I should hang up on you."

"You could, but then I'd just walk into the infirmary and talk to you."

"Where are… oh, hi."

"Hi. Wow. That's not a good look for you."

"It looks worse than it is."

"Looks like an alien's trying to come out of your back."

"No, that would be the stomach. Please tell me you've at least seen _Alien_."

"Yes, I've seen _Alien_."

"Good, well, at least all hope ain't lost."

"You were thinking that hope was lost?"

"Well, we'll have to start catchin' you up on movies. That can be your road to redemption. Have you seen _Singin' in the Rain_?"

"No."

"Okay, that's next on the list. 'Course we have to finish Monty Python so you'll have had a proper introduction to absurd British comedy."

"Do you know your eyes glow when you talk about movies?"

"Okay, I'm gonna sit on this end of the gurney and you're gonna sit all the way down there at the other end."

"I'm flirting with you."

"I can tell. Been a while?"

"Oooh, low blow."

"Apparently, I've been gettin' those in all day."

"Something wrong?"

"Not really."

"Which translated from female to male means 'Yes! Can't you tell something is wrong, you big dumb Neanderthal of a male? I need consolation and chocolate'!"

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't just say that 'cause then I'm gonna start thinkin' that maybe you bat for the other team."

"Okay, I'm going to pretend that you didn't just say that. But it's true, isn't it? That whole translation thing?"

"The chocolate? Definitely, but consolation for me means huggin' and my back hurts too much for physical contact."

"Okay, then, chocolate I can do."

"Since when did you start carryin' chocolate in your pocket?"

"Since it became necessary to lure Rodney away from the lab and make him sleep, eat and perform other activities that coincide with being a human being."

"Nice."

"Um, Hanna?"

"What?"

"Those nurses are staring at me."

"Where?"

"Over there."

"Where?"

"Behind you."

"Okay, hang on. Whoop!"

"I didn't mean fall off the bed. I thought marines were supposed to be coordinated."

"Well, I had to turn 'round. You piqued my interest. Good thing you've got faster reflexes than mine otherwise I'd be eatin' floor. Now, which ones are starin' at you?"

"The ones over there in the corner. Although now they're probably staring because you're sitting on my lap."

"Oh yeah, they are, ain't they?"

"And?"

"You're the one who walked in here with a tank-top. You can put me down now. Thanks."

"What does me wearing a tank-top have to do with anything?"

"Okay, crash course on 'female attraction to male bodies' for Colonel Sheppard. You are a good lookin' male. You have a physical presence that women 'round here would have to be blind not to notice. So, when you walk into a room with your biceps in plain view, there's bound to be droolin' and possible faintin' spells."

"You've given that speech some thought, haven't you?"

"I constantly gotta remind Trevin that he can't walk 'round shirtless 'cause it causes pile-ups in the hallway."

"Okay and on that disturbing thought, I'm gonna go see what's for dinner."

"Does this sudden departure have anythin' to do with the fact that you're blushin'?"

"No. It has something to do with the fact that Carson is on his way over here and I haven't had my monthly check-up."

"Okay, then, bye."

"See you at eight."

**(1107)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Military6**

**(&)**

**(1109)- Radio connecting: Medical2 to Military13**

"Hey, Stackhouse. Is that bet still going on?"

"Which bet? I have seven going on right now."

"Seven?"

"Sheppard and Breck, Caldwell and Weir, Cadman and Beckett."

"But they're already dating."

"Yeah, this one is whether or not they get married."

"Okay, what else?"

"Sgt. Novak and Dr. Zelenka. Teyla and Ronon. Katie Brown and McKay, that's another marriage one. And then finally, Dr. Heightmeyer and Colonel Sheppard. That one's dropped off almost completely since Major Breck showed up."

"Yeah, I can see why. That's the one I'm after."

"The Sheppard/Breck?"

"Yeah, a weeks worth of me covering night watch on the Colonel and Hanna hooking up tonight."

"You gonna let me in on the secret?"

"No."

"Someone needs to kick you."

"I've had offers."

"I'm sure. Okay, it's taken care of. Sure you don't wanna let me in on it?"

"Positive. It's called reconnaissance, Tom."

"It's called 'you eavesdropped while they were talking on a hospital bed'."

"Dr. Beckett called first, didn't he?"

"Sorry, bookie/client privilege. You understand."

"I'm gonna stick you extra hard with the needle next time you come into my infirmary."

"Amber, you know the way to a man's heart."

**(1113)- Radio disconnecting: Military13 from Medical2**


	12. Chapter 12

**(1509)- Radio connecting: Science3 to Military6**

"Hanna."

"Hanna."

"HANNA BERNADETTE MARIE BRECK!"

"WHAT!"

"Thank you. I was beginning to think you died."

"I'm tryin' to read a book."

"The Little Engine that Could?"

"Hah, hah. War and Peace."

"And what page are you on?"

"Uhhh….."

"Hanna?"

"Two."

"Page two?"

"Do you got any idea how borin' this book is?"

"It's War and Peace. It's supposed to be boring. And how the heck did you get a four hundred page novel in the middle of the Pegasus Galaxy?"

"John."

"Colonel Sheppard reads Tolstoy?"

"Well, not anymore. We traded. He's readin' Eleven on Top."

"Did you just…" 

"Yuppers."

"Okay, well, now that that frightening part of our conversation is over, what are you wearing?"

"You called to talk dirty to me?"

"Just answer the question."

"Like, what am I wearin' right now? Or what am I plannin' on wearin' tomorrow? Or you know what am I plannin' on wearin' three Thursday's from now?"

"What you're planning on wearing tonight during dinner with Colonel Sheppard?"

"Uh, jeans and a T-shirt. Oh and yesterday socks 'cause I can't bend over and take these ones off. And Trevin won't help me."

"Okay, one, ewww. And two, what does the T-shirt say?"

"Who says it has to say anythin'?"

"Because all of your t-shirts say something on them. Oh, god, it's not the French hooker one is it?"

"I ain't got a French hooker T-shirt."

"The one that says 'Voulez-vous couche avec moi'?"

"That's a classic song!"

"It's your French hooker T-shirt."

"Well, that's not the one I'm wearin'."

"Well, which one are you planning on wearing?"

"The one that says 'If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you'."

"You are not wearing a T-shirt that has anything to do with violence on it tonight."

"I ain't?"

"No. I'm going to win this bet and that means you're going to wear a dress."

**(1521)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Science3**

**(&)**

**(1524)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military1**

"_Help_."

"Hanna? What's wrong?"

"Shhhh. The walls have ears."

"Where are you?"

"Standin' outside your room tryin' to get in. Geez, this place 's got more security than the White House."

"Why are you trying to get into my room?"

"I need a safe place to hide."

"Okkkaayyyy. Why?"

"If it's a bother, I can always go hide in Ronon's room."

"_Idon'tthinkso_."

" 'Scuse me?"

"Uh, I-I mean, I'm not sure you should go in there without a gun."

"Why? It's just Ronon's room."

"Ronon's room is, uh, booby-trapped."

"Like with snake-pits and giant rollin' rocks that chase you through a cave?"

"_Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom_ and _Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark_."

"Nice. You're catchin' on."

"Yeah. No, it's just a few spring traps, but they can really ruin your morning."

"And is this advice due to personal experience?"

"Will you just go into my room?"

"Oh, _thankyouthankyouthankyou_. Ooofff."

"What?" 

"I tripped over a boot."

"Sorry. It was a late night. So, what's wrong?"

"Wrong? Um, nothin's wrong. Why does somethin' gotta be wrong? Girl can't hide out in her CO's bedroom for no apparent reason?"

"Not usually."

"Nothin's wrong."

"What's wrong?"

"How long you gonna keep askin' me that?"

"Until you tell me what's wrong."

"It's Katie."

"Katie?"

"Katie Brown."

"And you have a problem with her?"

"Well, she's, uh, sorta…"

"Sometime before the next century, Hanna."

"She's lookin' for me and I fear her so, I'm layin' low."

"Uh-huh, and why do you fear Rodney's botanist girlfriend?"

"Well, I've tried to block out the conversation, but I distinctly remember somethin' 'bout a dress."

"You're running away from a dress?"

"Uh-huh."

"A dress. You. A decorated military officer who's been wounded more times than Bates can count and you're hiding from a dress."

"You enjoy teasin' me, don't you?"

"You just now noticed?"

**(1531)- Radio connecting: Science3 to Military1 and Military6**

"Hanna."

"Oh, shit."

"Hello, Dr. Brown."

"Oh! Colonel. Um, do you mind if I bend Hanna's ear for a moment?"

"Of course not. Bend away."

"Gee, thanks John."

"So, Hanna. Pink or blue?"

"Katie, I'm not wearin' a dress. I will never wear another dress. And can we have this conversation sometime else? Like never?"

"Fine be like that. What do you think, Colonel? Do you think she'd look good in pink or blue?"

"Don't answer that, John."

"Hanna?"

"Katie?"

"Shut up."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Colonel?"

"Well, Dr. Brown, to be honest, blue is my favorite color."

"Blue, huh?"

"Hey, Katie?"

"Hanna, didn't we just talk about this?"

"Yeah, uh, just a little point here. Not that I know much about this, but I have red hair so pink would, um clash. Wouldn't it?"

"Hmm. Blue it is."

**(1536)- Radio disconnecting: Science3 from Military1 and Military6**

"Wow, Banana, that was, um, interesting."

"I think I need a nap."

"Couch is open. Or the bed, whichever you prefer."

"Huh. With the alarmin' regularity that Rodney comes bargin' into your quarters, I think I'm gonna go for safe and sleep on the couch."

"Good point."

"Bye."

"Wait! What did you mean 'another dress'?"

**(1542)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military1**

**(&)**

**(1804)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Military1**

"Colonel."

"Lorne."

"….."

"Uh, something you wanted to talk about, Lorne?"

"Hanna."

"What about her?"

"Okay, now that I'm talking to you, I'm not so sure."

"Major?"

"Well, I was going to tell you something, but, uh, now… oh, never mind."

**(1806)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military1**

**(&)**

**(2002)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military6**

"Hey."

"Unnhh."

"Did I wake you up?"

"Unnhh."

"Well, rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty. I'm off duty and sort of in the mood for Monty Python."

"Can I sleep while you watch?"

"Uh, no, I need a translator."

"Where are you?"

"Gate room and now headed your way. Oh and by the way, Lorne is strange."

"Yes, I've always thought so."

"Good, now that we have that established, are you going to tell me what you meant by another dress?"

"Maybe after dinner."

"Deal. And I'm holding you to it."

"Bet you'll forget."

"I'm not arguing with you about whether or not I'll forget."

"Spoilsport. I'm goin' back to sleep. If I'm snorin' when you get here, I wouldn't recommend wakin' me up. It could be detrimental to your health."

"I'll take my chances."

"You would."

**(2005)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military1**


	13. Chapter 13

**(2016)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military6- Secure Channel Broadcast**

"Hanna."

"Shhh. Hanna's sleepin'."

"Actually, it looks like you're drooling on my Duke sweatshirt."

"What're you doin'?"

"Watching you drool on my sweatshirt."

"No, I mean, why are we usin' our radios when we're talkin' mano a womano?"

"I bullied one of the night shift guys into putting us on a secure channel. All we have to do is stay connected to each others radio and no one can break in. This is an added safety device because the Daedalus landed four hours ago and the new guys aren't wasting any time getting in on the betting pool."

"You use your knowledge of the force wisely, Master."

"I learned from the best."

"General O'Neill?"

"Yoda."

"Ah."

"I like when the beat goes da na da na. Baby make your booty go da na da na. Girl, I know you wanna show da na da na. That thong, thong, thong, thong, thong."

"What the hell is that?"

"I like it when the beat goes da na da na."

"McKay programmed my doorbell to play that and I can't get it to stop unless I answer the door."

"Crap. Uh, okay, I'm not here."

"Well, it's gonna be pretty obvious that you're here when I open the door."

"Oooh, that girl so scandalous."

"Bathroom?"

"Go. Oh and ignore the towels on the floor."

"Okay, I'm in."

"Oh, hi, Dr. Brown."

"Shit."

"No, Hanna's not here."

"Tell her I'm with Trevin doin' girl things."

"Nnnn, sorry, something caught in my throat. Um, last I saw she was headed to Major Lorne's room."

"Is she buyin' it?"

"Yeah, I can, uh, give.. her.. that."

"Give me what?"

"She'll know what it's for?"

"Give me what?"

"Okay, goodbye, Dr. Brown."

"Is she gone?"

"Yeah."

"Y'know, those tow… holy mother of nectarines on toast!"

"Is that at my towels or the dress?"

"Hmm, take a wild guess."

"It's not that bad looking."

"It's a dress."

"I can see that."

"I hate dresses."

"You'll disappoint Katie."

"Katie's just usin' me to win a bet."

"Wow."

"What?"

"It's really short."

"Thank you, Colonel Obvious."

"You gonna try it on?"

"Y'know, it's a shame that you even gotta ask that question."

"A guy can dream. So, Monty Python?"

"It's in my room. Feel like bravin' the halls?"

"I'll go get it. You stay here."

"Why?"

"Because you're injured and I'm playing the gentleman card."

"I'm gonna wear your sweatshirt."

"Darn."

"Hopin' I was gonna try on that dress, huh?"

"Like I said, guy can dream."

"Dream on then."

"Why do you hate dresses so much?"

"Childhood trauma."

"Do you have any good childhood memories?"

"The first time I broke my ankle."

"How is that happy?"

"Because Trevin waited on my hand and foot and Michael DuPont asked me out."

"Michael DuPont?"

"I was twelve. He was fourteen. I longed for the love of an older man. Damnit! Ow!"

"What?"

"I can't get your sweatshirt on without help."

"Hold still. Okay, left arm up, through the hole. Slowly. Okay, can you raise your right arm a little?"

"Ow."

"Sorry. Okay, there. You good? Any popped stitches?"

"I think I'm fine. Wow, that was significantly easier than when Trevin helped me this mornin'."

"I like when the beat goes da na da na. Baby make your booty go da na da na. Girl, I know you wanna show da na da na. That thong, thong, thong, thong, thong."

"Crap."

"They can't get through by radio so they're just dropping by. Wonderful."

"Ooohhh!"

"What?"

"Blackberry. Yeeh, that tickles!"

"Who is it?"

"Ooh, that dress so scandalous and you know another nigga can't handle it."

"It's Laura. Who's at the door?"

"I'm not sure I want to answer it to find out."

"Can you handle hearing the 'Thong Song' all night long?"

"Okay, here's what we're gonna do? You go in the bathroom and answer Cadman. I'll answer the door."

"Deal."

"Oh."

"What?"

"Here's the dress."

"Bastard."

"I know. You in?"

"Aaah!"

"What!"

"Towel. Okay, I'm in. Go for it."

"Hello, sir."

"Laura wants to know what we're doin'."

"Uh, she's in the bathroom."

"She says if…. Oh, gross, she needs to get out more. I don't even think that's physically possible."

"Hanna."

"What?"

"There's someone out here who wants to talk to you."

"Who the… Oh, my god."

"I take it you two know each other?"

"Michael."

"Uh, do you two want… Hanna!"

**(2031)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military1- Secure Channel broadcast**

**(&)**

**(2033)- Radio connecting: Military13 to Military5**

"Trevin."

"What?"

"Hanna just tore past the Gate room."

"And?"

"She was crying."

"Hanna doesn't cry, Tom. You sure you don't have her mixed up with some other red-headed Amazon?"

"She was crying, Trev. And she was coming from the direction of Colonel Sheppard's quarters."

"He made her cry?"

"You don't know, do you?"

"Know what? Damnit, where are my jeans?"

"General Kent's on base."

"He's WHAT!"

"On base."

"When?"

"Just got here on the Daedalus."

"Fuck."

"That pretty much sums it up."

"Tell me about it. Okay, I need you to run interference. If he comes up to the control room and asks where her quarters are, give him bad directions or something."

"Too late."

"What do you mean too late?"

"Kavanaugh was more than happy enough to give him a detailed map of the base with Hanna's quarters outlined in bright red."

"Well, that bastard's getting his revenge a little early."

"Crap, here comes the General and he does not look happy."

"Stall him!"

**(2036)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military13**

**(&)**

**(2039)- Radio connecting: Military3 to Military5**

"Trevin, Michael's here."

"I know. He already made Hanna cry."

"Well, is someone gonna tell Sheppard?"

"Tell him what? Oh, hi, Colonel. Yes, your girlfriend's completely psychotic ex-fiancée who also happens to be a high ranking military officer and knows more people than God has just arrived on base and he's going to make her life completely miserable."

"I was thinking of something more along the lines of 'Oh, hi, Colonel. Yeah, Hanna will be okay after a few days. It's post-mission stress."

"Oh, great, Laura, that was great."

"Well, you try coming up with something better on short notice! Are you going over there?"

"I'm on my way right now."

"Tell her I'll hit him if I have too."

"Gotcha."

**(2042)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military3**

**(&)**

**(2044)- Radio connecting: Military4 to Military5**

"Lorne."

"Ronon, now's not really a good time."

"Major Breck's here."

"Here as in..?"

"I don't have a whole lot of experience with emotional women, Lorne."

"So, she's crying?"

"Yes."

"A lot?"

"Yes."

"Besides the crying, is she calm?"

"Ugghh."

"What?"

"She's throwing things."

"Ehhh."

"She's got a pretty good arm for being injured."

"She's gonna pop her stitches again. Can you stop her without hurting her?"

"Maybe."

"I'll be there in a minute."

**(2048)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military4**

**(&)**

**(2053)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Military1**

"Long story short, you ready for this?"

"Lorne?"

"No, it's the Easter Bunny. Um, Hanna's ex-fiancée is here and there's some real bad blood between the two of them so she's kind of emotional at the moment and that induced the crying. Got it?"

"Uh, no."

"Good."

(**2055)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military1**


	14. Chapter 14

**(2239)- Radio connecting: Military4 to Military5**

"Major Lorne."

"Almost there, Ronon."

"She's gone."

"What!"

"A man came to her quarters and she went with him."

"And you let her go?"

"She stopped crying and throwing things when she saw him."

"Do you know who the guy was?"

"Never seen him before."

"Did he have gray hair?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, shit."

**(2243)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military4**

**(&)**

**(2245)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Leader3**

"General Kent."

"Ah, Major Lorne, I wondered when you were going to call me."

"I wouldn't have thought you'd be sitting around waiting with abated breath for me to call you, sir."

"Let's just drop the formalities, Trevin."

"As much fun as that sounds, sir, I'd rather not."

"Afraid you're going to say something you'll regret?"

"Among other things."

"Why don't I just make it easy for you, Trev? Go on, say whatever you want to."

"It's already too easy, sir. I just refuse to rise to the bait."

"No, really, Major. Don't hold back on my account."

"Just tell me where she is, sir."

"I haven't seen her since she ran away from me in Colonel Sheppard's room."

"Hnnh."

"Why? Is she missing? I'd check Colonel Sheppard's bed first."

"I'll be sure and do that, sir. She's mentioned that it's preferable to sleeping in certain other beds."

"Trevin."

"What?"

"Tell her I miss her."

"With all due respect, General, go to hell."

**(2251)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Leader3**

**(&)**

**(2302)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Science1**

"McKay, I have a bit of a problem."

"And what would that be, Major? I'm extremely busy right now."

"Apparently, the heating system in General Kent's room is malfunctioning. It keeps switching from very, very cold to very, very hot. And the door to his room keeps locking him in."

"That's strange. Everything in that area is fine acco—"

"McKay!"

"What?"

"When I said 'are malfunctioning', I meant, '_will be malfunctioning_'."

"Ah, right. Ehhrm, of course. I'll get right on that. Heating system and the door?"

"Yeah, apparently it's pretty bad."

"Well, I'll just have to fix that, Major."

"McKay, I take back everything mean I ever said to you."

**(2308)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Science1**

**(&)**

**(2319)- Radio connecting: Military3 to Leader1**

"Should we tell them?"

"Hello, Laura."

"Should we?"

"Now, you say it back."

"Hello, Laura."

"Smart-ass."

"I try. So, we're not telling them?"

"Telling them what?"

"You know, Dizzy, you're a very confusing woman."

"I try. And no, I don't think we should tell them. Hanna will let them know she's okay on her own time."

"Okay, but just so you know, they're organizing a search party. They think General Kent killed her and tossed her off one of the piers."

"Good grief. Okay, tell them that she's alive and completely unharmed."

"Okey-dokey, but if they have questions they can come to you."

"Fine."

"Chao pascou."

**(2324)- Radio disconnecting: Military3 from Leader1**

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: You**

They're looking for you. Carson, Trevin, Stackhouse, just about everyone. They think you're dead.

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: You**

Not dead! Clearly not dead if I'm writing you this email. Anyway, I'm fine. I'm on the Daedalus. We're just hanging out in his room. I'm fine.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: You**

His room? You're in his room? Isn't that gonna raised a few eyebrows? And make just about every single female on base outrageously jealous?

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: You**

Not really since there's four of us in here. Wait, that is a good point, four of us in his quarters, yeah, that could raise some eyebrows, but it would be fun eyebrow raising.

Although it would probably just be Kavanaugh's eyebrows and he'd report us for behavior unbecoming an officer and anything else he could think of.

Anyway, these guys're all dolls, but not really my type, so we're just sitting here talking. Although I do like flyboys. 1

1- (See failed relationship with one General Michael Kent and failed burgeoning relationship with one Lt. Colonel John Sheppard.)

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: You**

Well, you just go on and have fun with your illicit love affair then. I'll hold down the fort around here and keep people from killing Michael. I'm saving that dubious honor for you.

(See one not failed relationship with one Lt. Colonel John Sheppard who thinks you're the neatest thing since Puddle Jumpers and College Football.)

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: You**

Thank you. And it's not illicit. It's explicit. Especially with the tall one. He's hot. And he's got nice arms.

**(&)**

**(0112) Radio connecting: Military6 to Military5**

"Hi."

"WHERE THE FUCKING HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?"

"Wow. This mean you're mad?"

"I THOUGH MICHAEL KILLED YOU!"

"Hey, even with stitches, I can kick his ass. Hey, stop laughin' at me. I can!"

"Who the hell are you talking to?"

"Uh, no one."

"I can hear voices."

"Have you talked to Kate 'bout that?"

"_Hanna Bernadette Marie Breck."_

"That's not your happy voice."

"Are you okay? Just tell me that. Just tell me that you're okay."

"Yes, I'm fine. No! Not the feet! Aaahh!"

**(0123)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military5**

**(&)**

**(0126)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military3**

"Trevin's a little pissy right now. Think you can calm him down?"

"How pissy is a little pissy?"

"He said the 'f' word."

"He always says the 'f' word."

"Not to me."

"Good point. So that's a lot pissy, then?"

"Yeah."

"I'll see what I can do."

**(0132)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military3**

**(&)**

**(0238)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Science1**

"Rodney, I love you."

"Um, thank you?"

"Heh, he said thank you. I think I'm wasted."

"Um, good for you?"

"No! Hey, give that back!"

"Hanna?"

"McKay."

"General O'Neill?"

"No, just someone who does a good impression."

"What?"

"Yes, McKay, it's me."

"Uh, is Major Breck… drunk?"

"Um, she's a little tipsy, but she's not drunk. Don't worry, we won't let her drive home."

"Uh, good?"

"Just go back to doing whatever it was that you were doing, McKay."

"Yes, sir."

**(0143)- Radio connecting: Military6 from Science1**


	15. Chapter 15

**Leader1- Dr. Weir**

**Leader2- General O'Neill**

**Leader3- General Michael Kent**

**(&)**

**Military1- Colonel John Sheppard**

**Military2- Colonel Stephen Caldwell**

**Military3- Lt. Laura Cadman**

**Military4- Ronon Dex**

**Military5- Major Trevin Lorne**

**Military6- Major Hanna Breck**

**Military7- Lt. Jason Stephens**

**Military8- Lt. Ike Fuller**

**Military9- Sgt. Rick Martinez**

**Military10- Lt. Luke Garrett**

**Military11- Sgt. Derrick Bates**

**Military12- Sgt. Sean Clint**

**Military13- Sgt. Tom Stackhouse**

**Military14- Cpt. Eric Smith**

**Military15- Teyla Emaggen **

**Military16- Lt. Alexi Rousto**

**Military17- Sgt. Brad Kern**

**Military18- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell**

**(&)**

**Science1- Dr. Rodney McKay**

**Science2- Dr. Radek Zelenka**

**Science3- Dr. Katie Brown**

**Science4- Dr. Brandy Lindsey**

**Science5- Lt. Lindsey Novak**

**Science6- Dr. Daniel Jackson**

**(&)**

**Medical1- Dr. Carson Beckett**

**Medical2- Sgt. Amber Gray**

**(&)**

**(0834)- Radio connecting: Leader2 to Military6**

"Breck."

"Bbbrrreeeccckkk."

"Nnnyyynnn?"

"Buh-reck."

"Mmmmnnnnn."

"C'mon, time to rise and shine."

"Nammaammaa."

"What is that, Latin? Daniel, you know what's she's speaking? Daniel? Oh, never mind, I forgot you're not awake yet."

"Smmnn."

"Maybe it's Portugese."

"S'not. 'N I ain't risin' and shinin'."

"I can make it an order."

"Uh-uh."

"Uh-huh."

"Uh-uh."

"Uh-huh."

"Uh-uh."

"Oh, but I can."

"Oh but you can't. Only my daddy can order me to rise and shine, sir. 'N last time I checked, he ain't here."

"Well… uh, no, actually, I have no comeback to that."

"Hunh, that's a first. Can I get to go back to sleep now?"

"Nope. You completely awake now?"

"Depends on your definition of completely awake."

"Are your eyes open?"

"No."

"Do you have feeling in your toes?"

"Yeah."

"Good. You're awake."

"Ow."

"Ow what?"

"My head hurts. Why does my head hurt? It didn't hurt last night."

"Oh-ho, I'm not surprised your head hurts. After all that crap you did, Teal'c's head would hurt."

"After all what crap? Oh, dang it. Did you get me drunk? Is that why my head hurts? I'm hung-over?"

"No, actually, I had nothing to do with it. This time it was all you."

"I got myself drunk? How'd I do that?"

"Well, it usually happens by drinking, oh wise one."

"So, I'm hung-over?"

"No, you don't have a hang-over. Mostly because I still haven't recovered from the last time it was just you and me and a bottle of Jack Daniels. No, last night, Mitchell made the mistake of giving you an energy drink."

"So? Those don't do nothin' less I ain't had enough sleep... which I haven't… had. Okay, what did you three do to me?"

"Well, you may have popped a couple of Vicodin with this one."

"And?"

"Well, you got a little tipsy and walked into a wall."

"I did what? How come I remember any of this? Oh, wait. Oww. What the hell?"

"Find your stitches?"

"Like new one's?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, what's… oh, you have got to be shittin' me! I broke my wrist too?"

"When I say 'walked into', I meant 'tripped, did some sort of a trick that could only be done by a Russian gymnast under the influence of several bottles of vodka, went face first into the wall, fell and busted your wrist'."

"Oi. Is there anythin' else I should know? Like I tried to seduce McKay or somethin'?"

"Well, you can take solace in the fact that you didn't seduce McKay. Of course, there isn't much solace to be taken from the fact that you planted one on Daniel. Right during the middle of a shift change."

"Okay, I gotta go now. I need to reevaluate my reason for livin'. And possibly beat my head against the wall."

"Tell you what, we'll bring you breakfast. Well, if we can wake Daniel up, because he'll be oh so happy to see you and then we'll bring you breakfast."

"No offense, sir, but I ain't sure I trust you to bring me breakfast. Or Daniel either for that matter. And definitely not Cam."

"Still like a gallon of sugar in your coffee?"

"Oh, what the heck, make it two."

"Deal."

"Oh, um, did anyone else see me fall?"

"Uh…."

"Oh, no. Tell me I didn't."

"No, that's good. Go with the positive. You didn't. Go with that."

"Take me now, God."

**(0842)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Leader2**

**(&)**

**(0845)- Radio connecting: Medical1 to Military6**

"I assume you've woken up by now. And if you haven't, then consider this your official wake-up call."

"I'm up. You can stop bein' so damn cheery."

"You're actually out of bed?"

"No, not yet. It seems my legs ain't workin' correctly. But I'm hopeful that full sensation and mobility will return. Hopefully before I have to go to the bathroom."

"That would be the after-affects of the pain medication. It'll wear off sooner or later."

"Ha, sooner or later. That gives me such confidence. So, tell me, Doc, am I gonna live?"

"No."

"Good, 'cause livin' is so overrated."

"You are truly amazing. You started off your week with forty-one stitches in your back and a gunshot wound. Now, you seem to be carrying on the tradition with a fractured wrist and seven stitches for your forehead. All of which should heal correctly unless you decide to continue acting like Calamity Jane."

"Wow. That's pretty mild, considerin' what usually happens."

"Ah, yes. What usually happens."

"Well, it's usually one-hundred and twelve stitches in my back, thirteen in my forehead, seven broken ribs plus or minus a fractured leg and two gunshot wounds. Oh and it's usually all together. Sometimes, if I'm lucky they get spaced a couple days apart."

"All that at once. Hmm, it's surprising how much that doesn't surprise me."

"Well, all of that sort of built up to me getting thrown out of a helicopter. Which, I'd like to point out ahead of time, was not my fault."

"Uh-huh."

"Well, I was unconscious at the time if that makes you feel any better. And it was only six feet off the ground. Oh, and I landed on the grass."

"Didn't your mum ever teach you it's not good to lie?"

"I'm not!"

"You forget that I've read your medical file, Hanna. Your entire medical file."

"Oh."

"That's how I know that you weren't unconscious. And that it was really twelve feet off the ground. And that you landed face first on the tarmac. And that you'd already been shot by the time all this happened if my memory serves me correctly."

"Heh. Oh, yeah, I forgot 'bout that part."

"Well, I glad you think it's amusing. Does Colonel Sheppard know?"

"No and he don't need to know so don't even think 'bout tellin' him."

"You do realize that someone's going to tell him eventually."

"Yes, and it won't be you. Doctor patient privilege. The only other person who knows is Trevin and I made him promise a long time ago that he wouldn't tell."

"Michael knows."

"Unfortunately. Someone told him almost immediately after it happened. I guess he wanted to find out what he'd done wrong and if he was in trouble for it."

"He'll probably tell the Colonel just for the hell of it."

"I know. Guess we'll just have to keep them apart, won't we?"

"We?"

"Yeah, and by we, I mainly mean you since I can't get out of bed. Oh and that's another thing that's buggin' me, Carson."

"What?"

"Why am I in bed?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if eye-witness accounts are to be believe, I tried to commit hari-kari by wall last night."

"So?"

"So, shouldn't I be in the infirmary?"

"Nice change of subject. You were."

"Thank you. But I'm not now."

"But you were."

"Yeah, I got that. But what I wanna know is how did I get here? And by here, I mean my room."

"I sent you home."

"Why?"

"Because I was convinced that you didn't need to stay all night and I had another emergency."

"What other emergency? Are they okay? Did anyone die?"

"The door to Michael's quarters slammed on his hand."

"How is that an emergency? Sounds like karma to me."

"According to Colonel Sheppard, we're supposed to fawn over injured brass. Something about funding."

"John said that? Wait, was he there last night? Did he see me walk into that wall? Please tell me he didn't see me walk into the wall."

"Just about everyone in the Gate room saw you walk into that wall, lass. And those who didn't quickly got their hands on the security tapes and made copies."

"Ohhh, my life is over."

"He didn't seem that bothered by it."

"He who?"

"Colonel Sheppard."

"Oh, crap. Tell me he didn't bring me in."

"No."

"Oh, good."

"He just followed General O'Neill when he brought you in."

"Damn it!"

"Well, at least he wasn't laughing like General O'Neill was."

"Hah, of course he was. He probably spiked my Rock Star."

"Well, consider yourself lucky that the Colonel was there. He's the one who talked me into letting you go home last night."

"He what?"

"He told me he'd keep an eye you if you got to go home last night."

"He watched me sleep? In my room?"

"Sat beside you all night."

"Did he mention anythin' about drool?"

"Said you talked in your sleep."

"Hopefully not 'bout him."

"I think you're safe on that front, Major. I'll be by in a half an hour to check on your stitches."

"Oh, no hurry, take your time. I'll just be lyin' in bed, tryin' to smother myself with my pillow."

"Do you think you could wait until Dr. Biro comes on duty? A suicide would look bad on my permanent record."

"Yeah, sure. I'll do that."

**(0903)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Medical1**


	16. Chapter 16

**(1008)- Radio connecting: Leader3 to Military6**

"Do not even think about hanging up on me, Hanna. We need to talk."

"Mi apologio. Senorita Breck es no here. Or there."

"This is why you failed Spanish in high school."

"I can still curse in fourteen different languages, Mike."

"Well, I can see you partially remember my name. Surprise, surprise."

"It shouldn't be. It's become synonymous with asshole in my book."

"Oh, there's that razor sharp wit."

"Fuck you."

"Lovely. You kiss Trevin with that mouth?"

"Least he knows what do with his tongue."

**(1009)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Leader3**

**(&)**

**(1013)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military5**

"Just a little warnin', but uh, if Michael asks, you frenched me."

"Excuse me? I did what to you?"

"Uh, frenched me."

"And when did this happen?"

"When we were drunk."

"Yeah. 'Cause that's the _only_ way that would happen."

**(1014)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military5**

**(&)**

**(1023)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Science6**

"Jackson, you awake?"

"No."

"Good. We have a plan, but we need your help."

"We?"

"Mitchell and I."

"Great, it'll be the Three Stooges do Atlantis."  
"Jackson."

"What?"

"The plan."

"Right. Continue. I'll let you know if it's stupid."

"You need to get General O'Neill to pretend to date Hanna."

"Ehhhemmm."

"What?"

"Oh, I told you I'd let you know if it was stupid."

"Jackson!"

"What? Is there anything else you want me to do? Like maybe you need me to cure cancer or single-handedly defeat the Wraith?"

"It can't be that hard."

"This is Jack we're talking about."

"I know."

"General Jack O'Neill. Brigadier General Jack O'Neill, if we're going into specifics."

"We're not."

"I feel that we should. And to be even more specific I should add that it's Brigadier General Jack O'Neill and Major Hanna Breck. Alone, they're dangerous. Together, even under false circumstances, we're talking world ending catastrophe"

"Let me put it this way, Jackson. Either you get the General to go along with this or you do it and risk a repeat performance of last night's saliva exchange."

"I'll see what I can do."

**(1028)- Radio disconnecting: Science6 from Military5**

**(&)**

**(1031)- Radio connecting: Science6 to Leader2**

"How many times have I saved your life?"

"How is me pretending to date Breck going to help her out here? I'm just here on a sight-seeing trip, I didn't expect to get sucked into a soap-opera."

"So now you're clairvoyant?"

"Mitchell told me."

"So you're just scary and threatening."

"Pretty much."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Back to my original question, how is me pretending to date Breck going to help her?"

"Apparently, Lorne has this all figured out."

"This is the same man who tried to take on an army of Unas."

"Typical male American military mentality."

"Why don't you just get Sheppard to do it?"

"Because according to Lorne, Sheppard doesn't have the whole story."

"Daniel?"

"Yes, Jack?"

"I can't do it."

"Why not?"

"Well, one, I'm her senior officer. Two, as you well know, there are certain romantic attachments I have back on Earth that I don't want to break. Three, I'm at least thirty years older than her. And four, well, I can't think of one, but I'm sure it exists."

"Interesting argument, Jack."

"Thank you. I practiced in the mirror."

"I'll get back to you."

**(1042)- Radio disconnecting: Science6 from Leader2**

**(&)**

**(1045)- Radio connecting: Science6 to Military5**

"I really don't think Jack's gonna do it."

"Don't forget there's always that other option."

"What other option?"

"She did kiss you last night, Doc. In some cultures you'd be married by now."

"Well, we'll try not to dwell on that. Why am I suddenly the one dating her? Why isn't Mitchell dating her?"

"Because she didn't kiss Mitchell last night."

"Just because half the base saw us exchange saliva last night doesn't mean we're dating."

"It does now. Here's the deal. You pretend to date her until the Daedalus leaves and then she can go back to Colonel Sheppard."

"Lorne?"

"What?"

"At what point between last night and this morning did you turn into the hero of a romance novel?"

"Ha-ha, smart ass. Very amusing."

"Look, Lorne, don't get me wrong, I like the kid, but I don't think I can fake a relationship with her. It'd be like dating my little sister."

"Okay, I can respect that."

"You can?"

"Not really. You do this and or I tell the entire base that you have a thing for Dr. Weir."

"I don't have a thing for Dr. Weir."

"Daniel, denial is such a sad thing."

"Just until we leave on the Daedalus?"

"Just until then."

"Fine."

"Good."

"So, what're we supposed to do?"

"Hold hands, pet names, stuff like that."

"How long has it been since you've dated, Major?"

"Fine. You deal with the dating part. I'll just make sure that Michael always sees you two together and that Colonel Sheppard never does."

"Yeah, sure, you take the easy job."

"Well, since for all intents and purposes, Hanna is my little sister, I really don't want to be the one to fake date her."

"Well, according to the current popular rumor, you frenched her."

"I can only guess who came up with that one."

"You're right. Considering the source, I'm gonna guess that particular rumor's false."

"Yeah, that particular rumor."

"Don't really want to know more."

"Gentlemen never kiss and tell."

"Hanna does."

"She's not a gentleman."

"Good point."

**(1103)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Science6**

**(&)**

**(1109)- Radio connecting: Leader3 to Military6**

"Where are you?"

"Currently, I'm wherever you ain't, Michael."

"Well, I already checked your quarters and Colonel Sheppard's quarters."

"And I obviously ain't there, am I?"

"No, you're currently in the Gate Room."

"Damnit, Michael, leave me alone!"

"Or what?"

"Or I'll sic my boyfriend on you."

"You don't have a boyfriend."

"Shows how much you know."

"I happen to know more than you think, Hanna."

"I've heard if you tell yourself that enough, you actually start to believe it."

"Still got that same smart mouth."

"It's gotten better with age. And since you can see me, my boyfriend just so happens to be walkin' over to me."

"You're dating him?"

"Hi, sweetie."

"Odd, I don't remember you ever kissing me like that."

**(1123)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Leader3**

**(&)**

**(1125)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Science6**

"Abort the mission."

"What mission?"

"Operation Fake-Date."

"It was a mission?"

"Whatever it was, we're aborting it."

"Why?"

"Because Hanna just laid one on McKay in the middle of the Gate Room with about forty witnesses."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I'm assuming it was out of sheer desperation."

"Kissing McKay? Yeah, I'd call that sheer desperation. Ow! Katie, I'm sorry."

"Well, I'm going off world now. You have fun with McKay's girlfriend."

**(1127) Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Science6 **


	17. Chapter 17

**(1132)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military6- Secure Channel Broadcast**

"Did you just kiss McKay?"

"Mmmm, no."

"So, that wasn't you that I just saw making out with McKay in the Gate Room?"

"No."

"Ahh. I see. It's all so clear now. What a relief."

"Sarcasm. This is the point where I introduce the evil twin defense?"

"Hanna."

"What? Is that your 'I want the truth and I want it now,' voice? Or is that your 'I'm bein' pissy for the sake of bein' pissy' voice? I never can tell with you."

"Guess."

"I'm gonna go with pissy."

"And you'd be so wrong. Talk."

"Why?"

"Because it'll give me some idea of what's going on around here. Maybe I'll get the whole picture."

"What is the whole picture with you, John? 'Cause I ain't really clear on that."

"Everything, Hanna. Everything would be the whole picture here, okay. I keep hearing about you and General Kent and something about him trying to kill you and I'd at least like to have some facts before I start believing the rumor that you slept with a penguin."

"Oh, I did."

"Excuse me?"

"His name was Mr. Peppermint and I had him for twelve years 'fore Trevin's dog ripped his head off."

"So, you didn't…"

"Someone's mind's in the gutter."

"Stop changing the subject."

"Sorry."

"No, you're not."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Talk."

"Or what?"

"I gonna bet you're feeling real brave right now because you're in your quarters and I'm not. Is that right, Major?"

"Hmmm…… yeah, that would pretty mu- oh, shit."

"Guess again, _Braveheart_. And your lock sucks."

"Uh… hi. That's not your happy face."

"Hmm, pretty and clairvoyant."

"You think I'm pretty?"

"Hanna, every male in a three planet radius thinks you're pretty. No, don't get up. I'll just … work around you or something. Oooff, is that your foot?"

"No, that's War and Peace. So far the only thing it's been good for is a foot rest."

"You done?"

"Not quite. That has gotta be the most borin' book ever. How'd you ever read it?"

"I haven't."

"What? You gave me that damn migraine and you didn't even read it?"

"Ow! Why do I get kicked?"

"For shovin' a borin' book on me."

"I'll remember that. Now, talk."

"Keepin' our radios connected?"

"Secure channel. And I'm off-duty for the rest of the day."

"Smart man. Have I ever mentioned-"

"Back to the subject at hand. And you can stop pouting because that doesn't work on me."

"I ain't poutin'."

"If your lower lip was sticking out any further, the Daedalus could land on it."

"Fine. Michael and I were engaged. There. End of story. We did not live happily ever after. There was no pumpkin turnin' into a carriage and contrary to popular belief among the women of the SGC, he is anythin' but Prince fuckin' Charmin'."

"Any particular reason?"

"Oh, where do I start?"

"Preferably at the beginning."

"That was sar…. oh, never mind. You want the whole story?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, here goes. General O'Neill introduced us when I was with SG7. Michael was kind of sweet and charmin' and pretty much everythin' the guys on my team weren't. At the risk of soundin' cheesy, he swept me off my feet."

"Doesn't sound so bad."

"Seven months after we started datin', he proposed. In the middle of the Gate room. Apparently, you can do that when you're a four-star general. So, I said yes."

"And then?"

"He left me standin' at the altar in a seven-hundred dollar dress with a hung-over weddin' party and a bawlin' bible-boy. No call, no letter, no nothin'. He just didn't show up."

"What did you do?"

"I went home with General O'Neill."

"I'm beginning to see a pattern here."

"And spent the next three hours alternatin' between cryin' and drinkin'."

"Sounds reasonable."

"I went to work the next day with the worst hang-over ever. Everyone was real nice, completely on my side. Teal'c offered to beat him up for me."

"Teal'c?"

"Well, actually it was his son, Rya'c, but I figured a pissed-off teenage Jaffa was just as good as a grown-up not pissed off Jaffa. Somethin' to do with his chivalrous sensibilities."

"I can see the logic. Don't reach for that."

"Reach for what?"

"That water bottle."

"Why?"

"You'll pop your stitches and ruin story time."

"Fine. Oh, _hello_!"

"Sorry. Here."

"Thanks. Where was I?"

"Rya'c."

"Right. Sadly, I had to turn him down. And for a while I was all right."

"You got left at the altar and you were all right?"

"Yeah. I think on some subconscious level I realized that I didn't love Michael as much as I thought I did."

"Uh-huh."

"So, I went back to work. Gettin' shot at, gettin' captured, havin' SG1 save my ass. Pretty routine."

"I think I can sense where this story is going."

"And you'd be right. Michael showed up seven months later. I was workin' an NID operation that was tryin' to draw out some of the rogue's in their agency."

"I heard something about a helicopter."

"That comes later. Michael showed up at our command center. And Malcolm just 'bout came unglued."

"Malcolm."

"Agent Barrett?"

"Oh, yeah. I don't blame him."

"Michael came up with some half-assed explanation 'bout havin' to deal with personal demons 'fore he could have a relationship with someone."

"Sounds like he'd been reading Dr. Phil."

"That's pretty much what I thought. Malcolm told him to go to hell and get the hell out of his C-post."

"Where were you?"

"I was the UC so I was out dealin' with a paranoid arms dealer who was s'pposed to get me in with the NID agents."

"What'd you do when you found out?"

"Before or after I threatened to do unspeakable things to him?"

"After."

"Nothin'. Mal had him forcibly removed from the post and I figured he'd give up. I didn't wanna deal with him."

"Sounds reasonable."

"But we didn't realize we were bein' watched by the NID who'd been tipped off that we were after them. They followed Michael, figurin' he was the weak link."

"Not too far off on that one."

"He made a call from an unsecured line and they picked it up. Michael got hold of my alias somewhere and broadcasted it for anyone to hear."

"He blew your cover."

"No, the rogue NID agents did that. I showed up for a meetin' with this arms dealer and got shot."

"So, where does the helicopter come in?"

"I passed and woke up on the floor of a Bell-Ranger just as it was liftin' off."

"How'd you get out?"

"I'm not actually sure, but I think I bit someone. Or someone bit me. Anyway, there was bitin'."

"Oddly, that does not surprise me."

"Next thing I know, I'm face down on the tarmac. Guess I was too much of a problem for them to deal with. Luckily, they were usin' a public airstrip. Why, I don't know, but I was lucky 'cause a mechanic saw me try my hand at flyin' and kept me alive 'til the ambulance came. Well, he tried."

"He tried what?"

"Uh, to keep me alive."

"You weren't alive?"

"Uh…"

"Hanna?"

"No, actually. I wasn't, John."

"Oh, please explain."

"I died."

"Did you see a bright light?"

"John."

"What?"

"I was legally dead for ten minutes. They revived me in the middle of the ER."

"So, you were dead. As in not living?"

"Yeah. And I don't particularly wanna do it again. It ain't great. Guess I was just lucky."

"That's a whole lot of luck."

"Yeah."

"So, what happened to Michael?"

"At the time, Michael was very good friends with Robert Kinsey. This was before the whole Trust thing."

"So he got away with everything."

"Pretty much."

"And that's it?"

"Well, I-I did hit him."

"You get away with it?"

"General O'Neill saw me."

"And?"

"Told me to make sure the video evidence was erased."

"That sounds like General O'Neill."

"And that's my story."

"Is that where you got that scar?"

"Which one?"

"The one under your left eye."

"Yeah."

"What happened? Or do you not remember?"

"Can I plead the Fifth?"

"No."

"Fake amnesia?"

"I can always ask Lorne."

"He won't tell you."

"Or Carson."

"He would tell you."

"Are you going to tell me?"

"Do I have to?"

"Unless you want me to make you actually read War and Peace."

"Um, Michael hit me."

"What!"

"Well, when I took a swing at him, he hit me back."

"He hit you."

"I always told him not to hold back. I can take what every other guy on base can take."

"That doesn't matter."

"Oh, and this is where you get chivalrous. Well, news flash, John, I'm a big girl. I've handled worse."

"No, this is where I have a problem with a man hittin' a woman regardless of their job or rank."

"Hey, where are you goin'?"

"To talk to General O'Neill."

"Don't."

"Hanna, he hit you."

"I know. And tellin' General O'Neill won't make anythin' better. In fact, I've taken pains to make sure he doesn't find out."

"Michael could disappear."

"How would that look on your permanent record?"

"He. Hit. You."

"Once. And it was like gettin' hit by a girl."

"Hanna, I don't think this is sinking in quite yet. He hit you, after he got you killed. Something needs to happen to him."

"Trevin's hit me too. You gonna go ape on him too?"

"Lorne hit you?"

"Sparrin' practice. Knocked me on my ass a couple hundred times."

"I'm not gonna argue semantics with you."

"Sure y'are."

"Why?"

" 'Cause I ain't lettin' you out of this room."

"And how are you gonna stop me?"

"Already did."

"How?"

"Take a look at the door."

"What about it?"

"A little closer."

"What the… where's the third crystal, Hanna?"

"McKay has it. I told him that he could open the door in five hours or in case of an emergency."

"So that means…"

"Uh-huh. I knew you were comin'. I have my ways."

"You're tricky."

"Pretty much. You gonna calm down?"

"Well, it doesn't look like I have much of a choice, do I?"

"Not really, no."

"Well, then I'm not talking to you by radio anymore."

"Fine by me. I need a nap anyway."

"And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

"Well, there's the couch. Or you could always go stand in the shower 'til you calm down."

"You calling me a hot-head, Hanna?"

"In a word… yes."

"You're the one who locked me in your room."

"That doesn't make me a hothead. That makes me a self-preservationist."

"How so?"

"Well, you don't kill Michael and I don't go down as an accomplice before the fact."

"Who says I'd kill him?"

"That look on your face when I told you I died sure said a lot."

"And Lorne didn't have that same look when you told him?"

"I never told Trevin 'bout that part."

"So, he doesn't know."

"No and neither does General O'Neill. They think that I almost died en route to the hospital where my life was saved."

"Why didn't you tell them?"

" 'Cause I already got enough over-protective men in my life. When my daddy found out 'bout it, I had to move back to the plantation for six months."

"You live on a plantation?"

"No, I own it. There's a difference. And stop pacin'. You're makin' me nervous."

"Fine."

"What're you doin'?"

"I'm not pacing."

"No, you're… well, actually as long as you don't bump my back, this doesn't really bother me."

"Funny."

"What?"

"I never took you for a cuddler."

"Well, there are a lotta of things you don't know 'bout me, Colonel Sheppard."

"I'd say this would be a wonderful time to find out, but you look tired."

"Handsome and clairvoyant."

**(1223)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military1- Secure channel Broadcast**

**(&)**

**(1235)- Radio connecting: Military2 to Leader1**

"Dr. Weir?"

"Colonel Caldwell."

"I can't find Colonel Sheppard."

"He's requested the rest of the day off."

"He's not answering his radio."

"I think he's dealing with a personal matter."

"Involving Major Breck?"

"Possibly."

"Ah."

"Does that answer your question, Colonel?"

"Yes."

**(1237)- Radio disconnecting: Military2 from Leader1**

**(&)**

**(1248)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Science1**

"_Rodney_."

"_What_?"

"_Why are you whispering_?"

"_Because you're whispering_."

"Rodney!"

"Yes?"

"Stop being a smart-ass."

"Sorry. What do you want?"

"Don't tell anyone where I am."

"Oh, like I was just spouting it off before."

"Will you keep it down?"

"Why?"

"Because Hanna's sleeping."

"With you?"

"In her bed."

"That you just happen to be in too."

"Rodney."

"Okay, okay. I'll shut up. And I won't tell anyone where you are."

"Thank you."

**(1251)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Science1**

**(&)**

**(1253)- Radio connecting: Science1 to Leader2**

"It worked."

"McKay, I always said you were a genius."

"No, you didn't."

"Well, I must have thought about saying it, but then forgot."

"Your trust is overwhelming, General."

"Colonel Carter thinks you're a genius."

"No, she doesn't."

"Yes, she does, McKay."

"What exactly did she say?"

"I'm not having this conversation with you, McKay."

**(1255)- Radio disconnecting: Leader2 from Science1**


	18. Chapter 18

**Personal Diary of Major Hanna Breck. 2/3/2006. 1345 Hours.**

I'm writing this entry today with a co-author.

_**Hi**._

I'd like to introduce Lt. Colonel John Sheppard.

_**You can call me Paco.**_

You're weird.

_**You like it.**_

Yeah, I admit you've grown on me.

_**That could be because I have my head in your lap.**_

You are so lucky that my big brothers don't break into my room to read my diary anymore.

_**Well, they'd have a hard time of it in another galaxy, far, far away.**_

You can stop with the _Star Wars_ allusions.

_**Oh, come on. You like it when I do my Yoda impersonation.**_

Ah, yes, nothing's funnier than your superior officer making an ass out of himself while pretending to be a short green alien.

_**Hey! Yoda is the man.**_

No. Yoda is the little ET wannabe.

_**Oh yeah, smart-ass? Who's your favorite Star Wars character?**_

Han Solo.

_**Typical.**_

Bite me.

_**Interesting proposition. **_

You are a twisted man.

_**Nice of you to notice.**_

Is that your hand?

**_No_**.

Well, is that your foot?

_**Let's go with that. **_

Oh, man.

_**You're blushing.**_

And you're writing me notes to me on my hand-held while we're in the same room. You know, actual talking would help here.

_**My throat's sore.**_

Pansy-ass. Hey, stop that.

_**And you're ticklish.**_

I'll deny it if asked.

_**You deny a lot of things. **_

Yeah, pretty much. So, what do you think about Elizabeth and Colonel Caldwell?

_**Together?**_

No, separately. Of course, together, you nit-wit.

_**Oh, let's be mature about it.**_

Spaz.

_**Blonde.**_

Over-achiever.

_**Hey, what have I over-achieved in my time here?**_

Me.

**_Oh-ho, that's it._** weIuj/eargnhio/weh3/'o3hpswhenivghnweujfoi;wenhjweBNU;IWEfbwewef

hvedrfnhwvrfbujefwbweHweghpo3buoerg/lbj

**End Entry. 2/3/2006. 1352 Hours.**

**(&)**

**(1408)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Military4**

"Has Colonel Sheppard made any escape attempts, Ronon?"

"No."

"So, no strange noises? No gunshots? Any blood curdling screams?"

"No."

"No, huh?"

"That's what I said."

"Yeah, well, it's been great talkin' to you, Ronon. We'll have to do it again sometime."

**(1409)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military4**

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Complications**

Okay, I did it.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Complications**

Okay, you did what?

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Complications**

I kissed him.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Complications**

YOU DID WHAT?

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Do I need to spell it out for you?**

We kissed. Locked lips. Swapped spit. We made out, for lack of a better phrase.

PS: He's good at it.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Spell it out?**

I need details. Every little thing. Unless it went further than kissing. Then I'm just going to plead indifference. Or fear, yeah, probably fear.

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Fine. This is a true account **

As you know, I locked him in my room and talked to him about Michael. It was interesting for a while. He seemed like he was going to kill either me or Michael. I'm hoping it was the latter. So, he was about to make an escape, but I stopped him. Yeah, we've been over that.

Anyway, he ended up crawling in bed with me. Let me tell you, the man makes a very nice pillow. We were just lying there talking and I fell asleep. I woke up and he was reading the copy of War and Peace that he loaned me. He apologized for trying to get me to read it. Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks it's boring.

Yeah, so we were talking. And he saw my hand-held. It was still open to the last diary entry I'd been working on. I guess out of boredom or just plain wackiness, we decided to write an entry together.

It was going pretty good before I may have antagonized him into tickling me. He was gentle, mainly because I'm still all torn up. He leaned in first and then, I leaned in and then we kissed. And kissed some more. And kissed some more. He is very good at kissing. And I mean very, very good.

Anyway, baring any further details, which aren't very exciting because there's not anything really exciting I could do with my stitches.

So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Intervention**

As your acting big brother seeing as how we're in another galaxy, I'm gonna go ahead and reserve any and all rights to break Colonel Sheppard in half should he break your heart.

**(&)**

**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Intervention**

Reservation reserved. Although I don't really think you have to worry too much about that.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Intervention**

That's what you thought about Michael.

**(&)**

**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Ass**

Were you born this pessimistic or did it come from hanging out with me and your big brother too much?

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: It is a sweet ass you might say. Round.**

It's genetic. So, I hear you two kissed.

**(&)**

**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: WTF, Mate?**

Let me guess. Everyone on Atlantis knows we kissed?

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: WTF, Mate is right**

Yep.

**(&)**

**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Fucking Kangaroos**

Fuckers.

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: It is a sweet earth**

You're fucked.

**(&)**

**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Round**

What'd I do this time?

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Alaska can come too**

You may or may not have been ratted out about telling people about Hannah's kissing session.

**(&)**

**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: We are definitely going to blow ourselves up**

Fucker.

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: We have about 26,000 more any anyone else, but who cares.**

You have been hanging out with Hannah for far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, too long.

**(&)**

**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Did they really?**

Did they finally do it?

**(&)**

**To: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

Subject: Canada is going 'What's going on, eh?' 

Call Hanna and ask her. I have to go stop Cadman from beating down my door.

**(&)**

**(1436)- Radio connecting: Science3 to Military6**

"Hanna?"

"No."

"Oh! Colonel Sheppard!"

"Something I can help you with, Dr. Brown?"

"No, I-I, just want to talk to H-hanna."

"Oh, well here."

"Hanna?"

"Hey, Katie-did-and-didn't."

"Why is he answering your radio?"

"Um, 'cause I hid his."

"Why did you hide his?"

" 'Cause I was bein' flirtatious."

"Why doesn't he sound very happy about it?"

"Maybe 'cause I forgot where I hid it. Apparently, that's a side-effect of my pain medication."

"Do you actually know where it is?"

"No freakin' clue in China."

"Yeah. So I called to ask if the rumor was true?"

"Which one?"

"There's more than one?"

"Well, there's the one where I broke John's heart and I'm datin' McKay. There's the one where Ronon and I are a couple. There's a couple involvin' me and Zelenka. And my personal favorite, Teyla and I are a hot and heavy item."

"How about the one where you kissed Colonel Sheppard?"

"Oh, that one."

"Yeah, that one."

"It's true. No, I don't wanna watch that."

"Watch what?"

"What is believable about Sandra Bullock bein' able to steer a bus through downtown LA and not go under 50 miles an hour all the while maintainin' a perfect hair-do?"

"Hanna?"

"Hang on a minute, Katie. No, I don't care if she looks cute doin' it."

"You should watch _The Fantastic Four_ with him."

"I'm not watchin' _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_."

"Oh, show him _Serenity_. He'd like that one."

"I'm not watching _Top Gun_ either."

"Well, you sound busy, so I'm going to go harass Rodney. Have fun."

"Huh? Oh, yeah, bye Katie."

**(1448)- Radio disconnecting: Science3 from Military6**

**(&)**

**To: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: I DID IT!**

I win the bet. I have recorded proof that she kissed him.

**(&)**

**A/N: In case you haven't seen it, go to Ebaum's world and watch the little clip called 'The End of the World.' It's hilarious.**


	19. Chapter 19

**In the 1700s, after spending close to 50 years, studying ancient biblical texts,**

**the father of modern physics, Sir Isaac Newton,**

**predicted that the world would end in the year 2060.**

**He never mentioned anything about a redhead.**

**If he had, I might have been a little more careful.**

**- The Radioactive Redhead**

**By John Zankour**

**(&)**

**To: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Lizzie- Weir-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Lara- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Radek- Zelenka-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Ronon- Dex-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Derrick- Bates-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Sean- Clint-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Eric- Smith-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Teyla- Emmagen-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Brandy- Lindsey-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Jason- Stephens-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Luke- Garrett-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Ike- Fuller-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Rick- Martinez-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Carson- Beckett-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Alexi- Rousto-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Brad- Kern-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Stephen- Caldwell-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Lindsey- Novak-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

Subject: The Bet 

Well, they kissed. Katie won. Well, she won the nice bet. There's not really a whole lot more to say. Still taking bets on the naughty one.

**(&)**

**(1523)- Radio connecting: Leader2 to Military6**

"Congratulations."

"Shut up, sir."

"Kent's pissed."

"Good for him. It's about time something came back to bite him in the ass."

"And he's looking for you."

"Well, he won't find me."

"Aren't you and Sheppard still locked in your room?"

"Not anymore. McKay sprung us."

"So, where are you?"

"You may be my CO, sir, but that don't entitle you to know my secret hidin' places."

"I want to talk to Sheppard."

"Yeah, sorry, he's asleep."

"So, you're someplace with a bed."

"Not necessarily."

"Are we going to play the Green Eggs and Ham game here?"

"That could quite possibly be the strangest thing you've said to me… today, I mean. You say strange things all the time. That just the first one of the day."

"Well, thank you for that back-handed compliment, Major."

"It was all I could think of."

"Uh-huh. So, where are you?"

"If I give you a general clue, can you use the life-signs detector to find me?"

"The what?"

"Think _Star Trek_."

"Oh."

"Okay, we're in the south side of the city on one of the balconies."

"Oh, great. That's just general, isn't it?"

"You can find us, sir, I have faith."

**(1530)- Radio disconnecting: Leader2 from Military6**

**(&)**

**(1536)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Science6**

"Wanna be my best man?"

"WHAT?"

"Damn, I still got the funny."

"Hanna, that was not funny. Even coming from Jack that wouldn't have been funny."

"Daniel, darlin', sugar, coolest archaeologist I know…. _that_ was hilarious."

"Brat."

"I admit it freely and without fear of censure. Now you admit it."

"Admit what?"

"You miss the teasin'."

"The practical jokes, you mean? Including the one where you dyed my hair pink?"

"Heh."

"You wouldn't be thinking 'heh' if I dyed your hair hot pink."

"I don't know. Lemme check."

"Check what?"

"What do you think, John? Hot pink hair?"

"Who are you talking to?"

"John says hot pink hair would work for him."

"John? As in Lt. Colonel Sheppard? As in the military commander of this base? You're on a first name basis with Lt. Colonel Sheppard?"

"Yeah. So? Where've you been?"

"I go off-world for one day and everything happens."

"Daniel, let me give you the basic run-down of what's happened. Um, I pissed off Michael. I pissed off Michael some more and now he's toein' the line between fury and anger. And, uh, I pissed off Michael even more."

"How is that different that your usual relationship with him?"

"Can you not use the word relationship? I prefer the term 'mutual animosity'."

"Well, as fascinating as this is, Major Banana, I have to go help Brandy catalogue artifacts."

"Brandy? You mean, Dr. Lindsey? Oooohhh. Daniel's got a girlfriend."

"What do you call Colonel Sheppard?"

"Boy-toy?"

"Okay, I'll just go and let you deal with the repercussions from that one."

**(1545)- Radio disconnecting: Science6 from Military6**

**(&)**

**(1612)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military15**

"Hey, Teyla. Welcome back!"

"Hello, Major Breck. It is good to be back on Atlantis."

"We've talked about this, Emmagen. Now, what did we agree on?"

"Hello, Hanna."

"Thank you. Now, we need to talk."

"Is there something the matter?"

"Well, not… yeah, sort of. You know what? You should just consider this a public safety announcement from me to you."

"I am afraid that I do not understand."

"Remember that time I told you about my ex-boyfriend, Michael?"

"Yes."

"Well, he just happened to show up on base a few days ago."

"Are you all right?"

"Oh, me? I'm fine. I've developed a sudden bodyguard force of marines that I can't get rid of. Anyway, it's fine, but Michael seems to have pissed off Atlantis off 'cause doors keep slammin' on him and things explode whenever he's 'round."

"I see. And does Dr. McKay have anything to do with this?"

"Um, can I plead the Fifth?"

"The Fifth?"

"Never mind. It's an Earth thing."

"You were saying something about Michael?"

"Well, see, the thing is… Michael's kinda got this thing for red-heads."

"And?"

"And, in case you ain't looked in a mirror durin' the last twenty-odd years, you are definitely a red-head."

"And you think this man would take an interest in me?"

"Okay, let's go through the list here, Tey, okay? You're hot, you have a great body which is somethin' that definitely does not go unnoticed by the men of this base, visitin' or not, and you're as charmin' as a Southern belle debutante."

"I am afraid that again I do not understand."

"Yeah, Michael'll flip for you, so I'd suggest avoidin' tall, handsome grey-haired men. Unless of course, they happen to be General O'Neill, he's fine. Actually, I think you'd get along… good… with him. Hmm… that gives me an idea. Bye, Teyla."

"And you, Hanna. I think."

**(1632)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military15**

**(&)**

**(1636)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Leader2**

"You like red-heads, don't you?"

"I tolerate you, don't I?"

"Ooh, General O'Neill's swingin' low today."

"What do you want, Breck?"

"Johnny Depp."

"Well, I'll get right on that."

**(1638)- Radio disconnecting: Leader2 from Military6**

**(&)**

**(1639)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Leader2**

"Stop bein' a brat, sir."

"Isn't that my line, Breck?"

"What's got you in such a nasty mood?"

"Dr. Kavanaugh just came to see me."

"Egghhh. Yeah, I'd be pissy too."

"Oh, I am beyond pissy, Major. Apparently, he's filed a complaint… against you, surprise of all surprises."

"Against me? Hey, I only did the peanut butter thing. I had nothin' to do with his little swan dance down the steps."

"Well, he seems to think you did."

"I WAS IN BED! WITH STITCHES!"

"He wants an investigation."

"Yeah, and McKay wants Sam. I don't see either happenin' real soon."

"He's going to General Kent with all his alleged proof."

"Oh, fuck."

"That was my general consensus."

"Those two? Together? That could be bad."

"Could be? That will be the destruction of Atlantis, Major."

"What does he want to happen to me? Does he want me relieved of command? Does he want me shipped back to Earth for court martial?"

"He wants an outside source to run the investigation."

"Hmmm, lemme guess. Could it be… uh, Michael?"

"You are smart."

"Yeah, my momma always said so. General, can I get court-martialed for this?"

"For allegations from the whine king of Atlantis?"

"I'm serious, sir. Is this going to ruin my career?"

"I seriously doubt it. The Pentagon has a file for Kavanaugh's complaints. It's the furnace in the basement."

"Thanks for the attempted cheer-up."

**(1641)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Leader2**

**(&)**

**To: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: General O'Neill- Temp1-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Your mechanical genius**

Make something bad happen to Kavanaugh. Anything. Just something.

**(&)**

**To: General O'Neill- Temp1-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: I know. Grand, isn't it?**

Need specifics. Need to know how bad is bad. Like killing bad or maiming bad? There's a thin line.

**(&)**

**To: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: General O'Neill- Temp1-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: I know. Grand, isn't it?**

You don't get specifics. You don't wanna go down with me on this if we get caught.

**(&)**

**To: General O'Neill- Temp1-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: ScienceGod- McKay-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: None**

Transmission confirmed, Condor.

**(&)**

**(1713)- Radio connecting: Leader2 to Science1**

"Condor?"

"It's a codename."

"A codename? McKay, why do we need codenames?"

"They sound cool."

"Condor?"

"You'd prefer General Grumpy?"

"McKay, I have the power to make sure you end up teaching Earth Sciences at a community college for the rest of your life. So I'd suggest you watch what you say."

"Right, something bad. I'll get right on that…. Condor."

**(1715)- Radio disconnecting: Science1 from Leader2**


	20. Chapter 20

**Luke: You go make her stop.**

**Lorelai: I'm not going over there.**

**Luke: Why not? You're a woman.**

**Lorelai: So what?**

**Luke: So you have the same parts.**

**Lorelai: What?**

**Luke: You shouldn't be scared of it.**

**Lorelai: Scared of it? You know you're going to be a bachelor for a really long time.**

**-Gilmore Girls**

**Cameron: Men should grow up.**

**House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.**

**-House, M.D.**

**(&)**

**(1726)- Radio connecting: Science1 to Military6**

"Major?"

"Yes, McKay?"

"I have a question."

" 'Kay."

"Now, you have to understand that this is a hypothetical question."

" 'Kay."

"I mean it, completely hypothetical. No way would this ever happen in real life. This is just something you'd be pulling from your imagination."

" 'Kay."

"Never happen. Completely imaginative."

"McKay."

"Of course there is a theory that-"

"MCKAY!"

"What?"

"Ask the question."

"Yes, right, sorry. Okay, say that hypothetically, you could do something bad to General Kent during his visit to Atlantis and you could get away with it. What would you do?"

"Hypothetically?"

"Yes."

"Lock him in a room with a Wraith."

"Okay, something that doesn't involve death."

"Lock him in a room with Ronon."

"I said no death."

"Fine. Uh… ooh! Lock him in a room with Kavanaugh."

"Hmm."

"Good answer?"

"Yes."

"How good?"

"What?"

"McKay, let me explain a little somethin' to you. I used to command SG5. I had Dr. Verif Lockwood on my team."

"How does this pertain to me asking you a question?"

"I ain't finished. Verif was exactly like you. Let's just say that I can all but read your mind. Got it?"

"Yes."

"Now, why d'you want to know what I'd do to Michael?"

"Condor won't let me tell you."

"Condor?"

"Code name."

"Uh-huh. And whose idea was Condor?"

"Mine."

"I see. And did your partner give you a code name in return?"

"No."

"Okay. Have fun with your little project and you better hope it don't get traced back to me."

"Why would it?"

"I'm not sure, but things like this tend to bite me in the ass."

"I will be completely covert, Major. You have my promise."

"McKay, covert is to you as ballroom dancin' is to Shaq."

"Huh?"

"Oh, I forgot. Can't do sports metaphors with the egg-heads."

"Did you just insult me?"

"In a manner of speakin'."

"Oh, well… I have to go."

**(1739)- Radio disconnecting: Science1 from Military6**

**(&)**

**To: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Couples Counseling**

I told you they'd end up together inside of a month.

**(&)**

**To: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Couples Counseling**

No one likes a smart-ass psychologist.

**(&)**

**To: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Couples Counseling**

You do.

**(&)**

**To: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Couples Counseling**

Yeah, you're right. Hey, McKay and Katie are fighting.

**(&)**

**To: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Couples Counseling**

About what? I just saw them at breakfast and they were fine. McKay even took time away from his computer and smiled at her.

**(&)**

**To: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Couples Counseling**

They're fighting about Atlantis's favorite new couple.

**(&)**

**To: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Couples Counseling**

Hanna and John? Why? Unless, McKay has a thing for her, then I could see a potential problem.

**(&)**

**To: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Couples Counseling**

I think Katie's a little jealous that McKay's spending so much time helping Hanna out with harassing Michael via Atlantis and her internal systems. He's never really been Katie's knight in shining in armor and now he's huffing off to play White Knight for another woman.

**(&)**

**To: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Couples Counseling**

Then again, Katie's never had a military general literally stalk her to another galaxy. I think it's sweet that McKay's being so nice to Hanna.

Speaking of White Knights, are we still on for movie night? They're showing _The_ _Breakfast Club_ and _The Fifth Element_.

**(&)**

**To: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Couples Counseling**

Can we skip _The Breakfast Club_? After today, I don't think I can handle The Brat Pack.

**(&)**

**To: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Couples Counseling**

Sounds good. I have paperwork to catch up on. Swing by my office and we'll head over.

**(&)**

**To: Kate- Heightmeyer-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Couples Counseling**

Sounds like a plan.

**(&)**

**(1913)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military6**

"Are we going to risk movie night tonight?"

"I could stand to have a little more interaction than just you and Carson, although the company ain't that bad."

"Gee, thanks. You heard what they're showing?"

"I don't like _The Breakfast Club_."

"It's almost like we share a mind."

"Yeah, that's a scary thought. Hey, what did you think 'bout _Serenity_?"

"Cowboys and space. Interesting combination."

"You liked it."

"Yeah. I did. And that was a TV show?"

"Yeah, but it got canceled after the first fifteen episodes."

"Sounds like it could have been good."'

"I agree."

"So, back on Earth, you were pretty much a homebody, weren't you?"

"Yeah. Sam kept tryin' to hook me up, but Colorado men leave somethin' to be desired. So, I spent most of my time at work. Either that or Jack's house."

"Jack?"

"Uh, General O'Neill."

"You two are on a first name basis?"

"On Earth we were, but just off base."

"Cool."

"Yeah, he's a character."

"To say the least."

"Oh, hi, Trevin."

"Trevin's there?"

"Just came in. I'll call you back."

"Sounds good."

**(1921)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military1**

**(&)**

**To: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: McKay- ScienceGod-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Tonight**

Are we going to movie night?

**(&)**

**To: McKay- ScienceGod-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Tonight**

Aren't you going with Hanna?

**(&)**

**To: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: McKay- ScienceGod-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Tonight**

No. She's going with John. Her BOYFRIEND. I was going to go with you. My GIRLFRIEND.

**(&)**

**To: McKay- ScienceGod-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Tonight**

Don't you type in CAPS at me, mister. You spend more time with her than you do with me. And ever since she kissed you in the middle of the Gate Room, almost everyone thinks you and her and Colonel Sheppard are part of a love triangle.

**(&)**

**To: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: McKay- ScienceGod-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Would getting on my knees and begging help at this point?**

A love triangle? That would have to be one of the most dysfunctional things the single people on this base ever came up with. She kissed me because she was trying to prove to General Kent that she didn't need him anymore. And it wasn't even that good of a kiss.

**(&)**

**To: McKay- ScienceGod-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Not really, but it's an interesting mental picture**

Liar. You liked it.

**(&)**

**To: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: McKay- ScienceGod-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Ugh**

You're being illogical. And a woman. I'm going away now. Calm down and call me in an hour.

**(&)**

**(1943)- Radio connecting: Science1 to Military6**

"My girlfriend thinks we're having an affair."

" 'Scuse me? Do I get a say in this?"

"I don't know. I'm not even sure I get a say in this."

"McKay, it's Katie. Whatever you did, fix it or you're gonna end up with some poisonous alien plant in your salad and they're never gonna find out what happened to your body, which I might add, will be actin' as fertilizer to a whole bunch of little baby alien rose bushes on some backwater planet."

"Unnhh."

"Okay, I'll tell you what. You helped me out with Michael. I'll talk to Katie."

"Really? You'd do that?"

"Yeah, I figure I've gotten the shit beat out of me so many times this week, what's it gonna hurt, fallin' on another sword."

"Thank you, Major."

"Uh-huh. There's one catch."

"And that is?"

"Remember that hypothetical plan?"

"Uh-huh."

"Put it into action."

"Already working on it."

"Hmm, maybe we should have an affair."

"I have to go now."

"Awkward?"

"A little."

"Trust me, you'll get used to it."

**(1952)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Science1**

**(&)**

**(2000)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Science3**

"What on God's green's Earth in the world of holy things would make you think that I'm havin' an affair with your boyfriend?"

"YOU KISSED HIIM!"

"Okay, yeah, that could make you think that, but we're not."

"But…"

"Listen, as much as I am loath to admit this, McKay is a friend. A good friend who just happens to be technically minded to the point of bein' able to make certain things happen to certain people who deserve far worse."

"So, you're using him?"

"God, Katie, shut up for two minutes! McKay is an arrogant prick who thinks he can take on any challenge and defeat it usin' only his brain. He doesn't think before he says things. He's loud. He's obnoxious. I'm pretty sure he's addicted to caffeine. He actually likes MRE's and he's head over heels in love with you. Got it?"

"Uh…."

"Good."

**(2004)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Science1**

**(&)**

**(2010)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Military6**

"Hanna?"

"Trevin, what are you doin'?"

"Talking to you."

"You're sittin' right next to me."

"Yeah and this seems to be the only way to get you to talk to me so I'm going this route."

"Fine. What?"

"Since you seem to be dating everyone on Atlantis, I was wondering if you would add me to your list."

"What?"

"Dr. Franklin asked me to movie night."

"Oh, you poor, poor, darlin' boy. Come here. You look like you need a hug."

"It's not that she's not nice. If anything, she's too nice. It's creepy. I don't think I've ever seen her frown."

"I can have Carson check and see if she's medicated."

"Already did that."

"And?"

"Apparently, she's naturally like that."

"Oh, my god. I thought someone had messed with her Prozac prescription."

"Nope."

"So, when we're gettin' ready to head off at five o'clock in the mornin' to an alien planet where they have a strange obsession with feet, then… she's actually happy about it?"

"Yes."

"Good God. I'd marry you so you wouldn't have to go to movie night with her. What did you tell her?"

"That I already had a date."

"Who?"

"Well, I don't actually have one."

"You need one? I can get one of the nurses to meet us there."

"No, now that you bring it up, I have someone in mind. As a matter of fact, I think I'm gonna go ask her right now."

"Good man. Carpe diem, seize the… Wait, Trevin! Who is it?"

"Bye, Banana."

"TREVIN! WHO IS IT?"

**(2022)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military6**

**(&)**

**(2025)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Leader1**

"Dr. Weir."

"Major Lorne. Can I help you with something?"

"Yes, ma'am. I think you can."

"What's wrong?"

"Well, someone told me that my boss was spending way too much time in her office."

"I see. And did this someone happen to mention that your boss has way too much paperwork?"

"No, but that someone did mention that my boss like semi-cheesy sci-fi movies and this soldier was wondering if he could drag his boss away from her work for an hour or two."

"Semi-cheesy sci-fi?"

"_The Fifth Element_."

"I actually happen to love that movie."

"I know, ma'am."

"You seem to know a lot, Major."

"It's my job."

"All right. Five minutes."

"I'll swing by and walk with you."

"Thank you, Major."

"All in a day's work, ma'am."

**(2029)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Leader1**


	21. Chapter 21

**Vala: My god, it's enormous! (Daniel glares at her) Not everything I say is innuendo!**

**-Stargate: SG1**

**(&)**

**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject!**

Trevin's here with Elizabeth!

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject!What?**

You do realize that I'm sitting right beside you. You are allowed to whisper in my ear.

**(&)**

**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re!What?**

Humor me.

**(&)**

**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject!**

Oh, I'm gonna do _something_ to you.

**(&)**

**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re!**

Stop being suggestive when I'm emailing you about my best friend's love life. It's distracting.

**(&)**

**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: You can give it, you just can't take it?**

Being suggestive distracts you? The way your mind's in the gutter 24/7?

**(&)**

**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: I can take it too**

It is not 24/7! More like 23 and a half/7.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: I'm sure you can do many things when it comes to _it_**

All right, I'll give you that much. And what I'm doing is not suggestive.

**(&)**

**To: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

Subject: You just keep thinking that 

Then what do you call it? I call it being suggestive.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: John- Sheppard-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: I will**

That's not suggestive. This is suggestive.

**(&)**

**To: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject?**

What'd he say to her? I have never seen Hanna blush like that before.

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: (?)**

Hang on. I'll find out.

**(&)**

**To: Teyla- Emaggen-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Hey!**

What did John just say to Hanna?

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Teyla- Emaggen-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Hey!**

I am not sure, but whatever he did say, she seems to be quite embarrassed by it.

**(&)**

**To: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Her**

What did John say to Hanna?

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Her**

Don't know. Let me check.

**(&)**

**To: Derrick- Bates-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Flirtations at your elbow**

What did John say to Hannah?

**(&)**

**To: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Derrick- Bates-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Tell me about it**

Something about a bed. And peanut butter.

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Tom- Stackhouse-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Kinky**

They're just flirting. He said something about a bed and peanut butter.

**(&)**

**To: Katie- Brown-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: They're being naughty**

A bed and peanut butter.

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: What's up?**

What's with the sudden emailing epidemic?

**(&)**

**To: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Guess**

John's trying to get Hanna into bed with a jar of peanut butter.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Trevin- Lorne-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Side-bar**

I thought you hated peanut butter.

**(&)**

**To: Laura- Cadman-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: None**

Your ass is grass.


	22. Chapter 22

**(2236) Radio connecting: Military6 to Leader2**

"Spy on Lizzie for me."

"Excuse me?"

"Spy. On. Lizzie. For. Me."

"Why?"

" 'Cause she went to movie night with Trevin and they sat so close it was like vacuum suction."

"I'm going to bed now, Breck. I suggest you and Sheppard do the same."

"Spoilsport."

"It's one of my better qualities."

**(2238)- Radio disconnecting: Leader2 from Military6**

**(&)**

**(2245)- Radio connecting: Military18 to Military6**

"Hey, Banana-Breath."

"Hey, Cam. Just get back?"

"Yeah, let me tell you something. Planets in the Pegasus Galaxy? Yeah, not so different from the planets in our galaxy."

"I know."

"So, what's this rumor I hear about you and Colonel Sheppard?"

"Depends on the one you heard."

"Something about peanut butter."

"Shut up."

"True? Not true?"

"Not true. God, you'd think people 'round here would have better things to do than come up with rumors 'bout me and John."

"Yeah, well, people love a good drama."

"Yeah. So how's Carolyn?"

"Last time I checked she was fine. Terrorizing people in the Infirmary."

"Good for her."

"You sound tired."

"Vicodin."

"Good stuff."

"Yeah, no shit."

"Okay, then good-night."

**(2248)- Radio disconnecting: Military18 from Military6**

**(&)**

**(0134)- Radio connecting: Military3 to Military5**

"TrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevinTrevin. MAJOR LORNE!"

"What! God, don't you ever sleep?"

"No, I don't."

"What?"

"Is Hanna with John?"

"I think so."

"Good. Michael's on the warpath."

"Why?"

"Because Michael got locked in one of the labs with Kavanaugh."

"And Michael's blaming it on Hanna?"

"I think he's headed to her room."

"Oh, shit.

**(0137)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military3**

**(&)**

**(0139)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Military1**

"Colonel."

"Colonel Sheppard!"

"What? God, what… it's one in the morning, Lorne."

"Michael's on the warpath."

"What else is new?"

"It's new in the fact that he's headed towards Hanna's room. You two might want to lock the door."

"I'm not in Hanna's room."

"Oh, god."

"Dammnit! Call Ronon."

**(0141)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Military5**

**(&)**

**(0143)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Military4**

"Ronon."

"What?"

"Michael's headed to Hanna's room."

**(0145)- Radio disconnecting: Military4 from Military5**

**(&)**

**(0221)- Radio connecting: Military4 to Medical1**

"Dr. Beckett."

"Yes, Ronon."

"We need a medical team to Major Breck's quarters."

"Now what did she do?"

"She's unconscious."

"I'll be right there."

**(0222)- Radio disconnecting: Medical1 from Military4**

**(&)**

**(0227)- Radio connecting: Leader2 to Leader1**

"Elizabeth. Wake up."

"Uhh… what time is it?"

"It's oh-two-thirty."

"Why are you calling me at two-thirty?"

"There's been an… incident."


	23. Chapter 23

**(0334)- Radio Connecting: Military1 to Military11**

"What the hell is Major Breck doing in the brig?"

"General Kent's orders, Colonel."

"He's not in charge of this base, Sergeant. Get her out!"

"I can't, sir. Believe me, as much as I want to, I can't."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated, sir."

"Well, then un-complicate it, Bates!"

"She's being brought up on charges that could lead to a court-martial, sir."

"For what!"

"Insubordination. Behavior un-becoming an officer. Fraternization with a senior officer. Assaulting a senior officer."

"Bullshit."

"Colonel, permission to speak freely?"

"Yeah, whatever."

"General Kent isn't going to get far with those charges on Atlantis, not with General O'Neill around and he knows it. But if he files a formal complaint with Dr. Weir, then she'll have no choice but to investigate."

"There's nothing to investigate!"

"General Kent's still in the infirmary, sir. Dr. Beckett hasn't released him. So, say if you were to get to Dr. Weir first…"

**(0339)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Military11**

**(&)**

**(0347)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Leader1**

"Elizabeth, we need to talk. General Ke-."

"John."

"-nt is try-."

"John."

"Trying to get Major Breck court-mar-."

"JOHN!"

"Ow! Right in my ear! What!"

"General Kent has already attempted to file a formal complaint with me."

"What? Attempted?"

"I'm not in charge of military proceedings here on base."

"So, what? You sent him to me?"

"No."

"Caldwell?"

"General O'Neill."

"General… as in, O'Neill, as in…"

"Yes. Since the charges are clearly false, he'll have them dismissed. Anyway, the security tower already has footage of him hitting Major Breck."

"Thanks for reminding me."

"I'm told it's going into a greatest hits. The Follies of Hanna."

"Hah-ha. Very funny."

**(0353)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Leader1**

**(&)**

**(0359)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military5**

"Hi."

"Hi. How'd you, uh…" 

"I know a guy who knows a guy who used to date you."

"I've never dated a guy."

"Maybe you were drunk."

"They put you in the brig drugged?"

"Just Vicodin."

"Drug use seems to be a recurring theme in your life."

"Yeah, well, you try gettin' torn to pieces, shot, breakin' your wrist, gettin' more stitches, and then a freakin' concussion, and see how long you can last without painkillers."

"Ibuprofen."

"I'm not takin' battle candy, Trevin."

"Hon, the correct term is combat candy."

"There's a difference?"

"Yes, Hanna, there's a difference between combat and a battle."

"Less artillery?"

"Does John know you have your radio?"

"Yeah, he's like seventh on my list of people to call."

"Seventh? That's not going to make him a happy man."

"Well, I'm sure he'll get over it."

"Uh-huh. And what number was I?"

"Uh, that would numero uno."

"You called me first?"

"Well, you woulda flipped out on me if I hadn't."

"Wise move."

"Uh-huh. Well, I'm gonna go call Cadman."

"This mean you're avoiding John?"

"No."

"Liar."

"Sort of."

"Liar."

"Okay, fine, look, I'm avoidin' him like the plague. Look, this is gonna sound strange, but I've bled on him three times in the last four days."

"And that correlates to you calling him how?"

"A girl bleedin' on a guy suggests a certain level of comfort and intimacy that I don't think John and I have reached yet."

"Huh?"

"I don't know. What'd I just say?"

"Something about blood and intimacy."

"Really?"

"Is Carson even checking what he's giving you or is he just throwing pill bottles at you?"

"Uh, the second one."

"Uh-huh. That's what I thought. Well, you might tell him to lower the dosage before you go looney and kill someone."

"The only one in danger is Sgt. Harvis. And he's seventeen feet away. He's also got a stun gun. He's smilin'. I don't feel safe."

"Okay, well, I have to go now and clean my brain out with bleach."

"Okay, have fun."

**(0412)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military5**

**(&)**

**(0415)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Military1**

"Someone gave her back her radio."

"And?" 

"Well, from what I managed to drag out of the deep recesses of her heavily drugged mind, she's avoiding you because she bled on you."

"What?"

"I wouldn't recommend trying to figure it out, sir. Oh and Sgt. Gavin just let me know he's located Michael."

"You two on a first name basis?"

"I was gonna be the best man in their wedding, Colonel."

"And now?"

"If you're expecting a witty reply, Colonel, don't hold your breath. The man's an egotistical, arrogant, possibly homicidal fucker who lucked into a position of power because his daddy's some mucky-muck on Capitol Hill."

"So, you're saying…"

"I'm saying, Colonel that if the Wraith showed up, Michael would make some nice cannon fodder."

"Oh, well, that's always nice to know."

"It's nice to say, Colonel."

**(0418)- Radio disconnecting: Military5 from Military1**

**(&)**

**(0427)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military3**

"The mattresses in the brig are comfortable."

"Hanna?" 

"Yep."

"How're you feeling?"

"Like hell. You?"

"Well, I've been on duty for the last twenty-four hours."

"So, why aren't you sleepin'?"

"Because my best friend's in the brig."

"Your sense of honor is misconstrued, Cadman. Go to sleep."

"You making that an order, Major Banana?"

"Yeah."

" 'Kay. Night."

**(0430)- Radio disconnecting: Military3 from Military6**

**(&)**

**To: General O'Neill- Temp1-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Heylo from Prison**

I'm writing to let you know I'm still alive. Prison life is treating me well. And my guard is probably going to need therapy after he's done with his shift.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: General O'Neill- Temp1-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Heylo from Prison**

Call Sheppard.

**(&)**

**To: General O'Neill- Temp1-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Blankity blank blank blank**

No.

**(&)**

**To: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: General O'Neill- Temp1-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Re: Blankity blank blank blank**

Why not?

**(&)**

**To: General O'Neill- Temp1-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**From: Banana- Breck-at-A-Base-dot-org**

**Subject: Because…**

He's gonna hate me. My psychotic ex-fiancee shows up and all but ruins everything good I have goin' for me.

Everyone on base thinks I'm a joke who got to where I am by sleeping my way to a promotion.

Maybe I can get shipped back to Earth and then sent to Siberia.

**(&)**

**(0446)- Radio connecting: Leader2 to Military1**

"Sheppard."

"General. Um, I'm right in the middle of doing something."

"I don't usually make it a point to get thoroughly entwined in my soldiers lives, Colonel."

"Sir?"

"Major Breck is the daughter of an old friend. I was at her high school graduation, I was at her almost wedding, I recruited her to the SGC. And if you even think about hurting her, they will never find your body."

"Yes, sir."

"And now that we understand each other, go talk to her before she convinces herself that you don't like her."

"Yes, sir."

**(0449)- Radio disconnecting: Military1 from Leader2**


	24. Chapter 24

**(0453)- Radio connecting: Military1 to Military6- Secure Channel Broadcast**

"What would make you think that I hate you?"

"John?"

"No, it's the other guy who's been dating you for the past week."

"Who called you?"

"General O'Neill."

"Hmm."

"Yeah, that about sums it up. Now, why do you think that I hate you?"

"Hhh… Michael."

"What does he have to do with anything?"

"Oh, just 'bout everythin'. He's actually the reason I'm on Atlantis."

"Why?"

"Just tryin' to get away from everythin'. What better place to be than in another galaxy?"

"So, you volunteered."

"Actually, General O'Neill volunteered me. At first, I was mad at him, but then I got here."

"And met yours truly."

"No, actually, I was here for three weeks before you even noticed me, John. And I only knew Trevin and Laura."

"Not true."

"You didn't even know who I was the first time we talked."

"That's true, but I knew you by sight. First time I saw you, I was coming back from a planet and you and Cadman were in Elizabeth's office. I thought you were cute."

"So, why didn't you talk to me?"

"Nerves. And mainly because if you'll remember, I was sort of bleeding everywhere."

"Oh, that trip. You thought I was cute? Geez, I'd just gotten over the flu. I looked like hell."

"Hell can be cute."

"Oh, now you're just tryin' to butter me up."

"You caught me. I confess."

"So, you don't hate me?"

"Scouts honor."

"You were never a Boy Scout."

"Coulda been, but I burned down the Scoutmaster's tent."

"On purpose?"

"Partially."

"Sounds like an interestin' story."

"You got time?"

"Yeah, unless the freak with the stun gun decides he's bored."

"Freak with a stun gun?"

"Sgt. Harvis. He's got guard duty."

"With a stun gun?"

"I think Michael gave it to him with hopes he'd use it."

"And has he?"

"I don't think he knows how."

"Ah. So you're ready for a story."

"Yep."

"Once when I was twelve, my dad signed me up for Boy scouts."

"Without tellin' you 'bout it?"

"Yeah."

"Sounds like my dad and finishin' school. Got shanghaied into it and the next thing I know, I'm sippin' tea and wearin' sun dresses."

"This is where your hate of dresses comes from?"

"Pretty much. Anyway, back to your story."

"My story can wait for a few minutes. I wanna hear more about finishing school."

"Sorry, babe, your story comes first."

"Okay, where was I?"

"Boy scouts."

"Right. Didn't even ask my permission, just signed me up. So there I was, twelve years old, wearing that dorky looking outfit and my Scoutmaster was a real jerk. So, when we were given our little tinder flint box things, I went over and lit the corner of his tent on fire."

"How much trouble did you get in?"

"A lot."

"Kicked out of the Scouts?"

"For life. Your turn."

"For what?"

"Tell me a story about finishing school."

"Well, I didn't get kicked out for one."

"So, what happened?"

"I got caught in the closet at my coming out ball with a guy."

"What?"

"Um, his name was Luther Pollock. I was sixteen and he was nineteen."

"So, what? This means you like older guys?"

"Not necessarily."

"But you were in the closet with one."

"Uh-huh."

"Why?"

"Why do two teenagers hide in a closet?"

"Ahh."

"Yeah."

"So, is that why you hate dresses?"

"No."

"Then why?"

" 'Cause of the way you have to sit in them."

"Lady-like?"

"Ankles crossed, feet tucked back underneath the chair, hands in lap, polite smile on your face."

"And that bothers you?"

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, I tend to sprawl when I sit."

"And that's a problem in a dress, isn't it?"

"Oh, very much so. Also, dresses hamper movement. I mean, how was I supposed to go tree-climbin' with Trevin when I was wearin' somethin' out of the Little Bo Peep Ruffles collection?"

"So, you were a tomboy?"

"Yeah, except for high school."

"What happened during high school?"

"I found out that if you wear short enough skirts to class, you can get your chemistry teacher to blow up his desk."

"Oddly enough, I can see you doing that."

"It was one of the few times I didn't get in trouble."

"So, you were a regular in the principal's office?"

"Oh, me and Darryl were close."

"You called the principal by his first name?"

"He labeled a chair in his office for me."

"How did you survive in high school?"

"Trevin, my big brother's Todd and Andrew and my big sister Catherine."

"And how exactly did they help you?"

"Trevin kicked the ass of the first guy who asked me out. Todd and Andrew glowered at anythin' male who came within twenty feet of my person and Catherine helped me pick out the short skirts."

"So, you and your sister were troublemakers together?"

"Oh, definitely. We terrorized the male population of Barder High. Even had nicknames."

"Oh? Do tell."

"Well, mine was Legs."

"Not gonna argue with that one."

"And Catherine's was Stacked."

"As in…?"

"Very well endowed."

"Okay."

"Yeah, so that's my high school career."

"Sounds fascinating."

"It was. Hey, I gotta go."

"What's up?"

"Cam's here. He's wearin' that we gotta talk face."

"Okay, I'll see you later."

"Bye."

**(0534)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military1- Secure Channel Broadcast**

**(&)**

**(0724)- Radio connecting: Military5 to Leader1**

"There's no movie tonight, ma'am."

"Oh, hello, Major Lorne."

"However, I have the code to Hanna's room and I happen to know for a fact that in her last care package from home, her dad sent her _Mad Max and the Thunderdome_."

"They made a second _Mad Max_ movie?"

"Yeah."

"Well then… your quarters or mine?"

"How about yours? Whenever I get downtime, the scientists come hunting for me to help them turn on experiments."

"My room it is, then. Eight o'clock?"

"Oh-twenty-hundred, it is, ma'am."

"Oh, and Major?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Stop calling me ma'am."

**(0734)- Radio disconnecting: Leader1 from Military5**


	25. Chapter 25

**Atlantis Mail Delivery List: 2/4/2006**

**Letter from Greg Breck to Major Hanna Breck- Deliver Immediately**

**Letter from Todd Breck to Major Hanna Breck- Deliver Immediately**

**Letter from Sarah and Stephanie Breck to Major Hanna Breck- Deliver Immediately**

**Letter from Andrew Breck to Major Hanna Breck- Deliver Immediately**

**Letters from Scot, Eric, Damon, Tyler and Brandon Breck to Major Hanna Breck- Deliver Immediately**

**Letter from Catherine Andrews to Major Hanna Breck- Deliver Immediately**

**Letter from Corey Andrews to Major Hanna Breck- Deliver Immediately **

**Letter from Derrick Lorne to Major Trevin Lorne- Deliver Immediately**

**(&)**

**1/09/2006**

Dear Hanna,

Your dog is a monster. I say this as kindly as I can, but the thing is honestly from the devil. It chased two of the calves yesterday morning, almost got stepped on by Ernest, and it's eaten two pillows from the guest room. By the way, I can't believe you named it Crocodile Rock.

Oh and I ran into Greg Morris at the feed store the other day. He says to tell you hi and that his boy, Donovan's been asking about you.

I can't really think of anything else to write about, so love you a lot, kid and kick some ass for me.

Love, Dad

**(&)**

**1/07/2006**

Dear Dumb Blonde

Thanks. Since you're off in some undisclosed location fighting an undisclosed enemy, Dad has now turned all his paternal attention on me. Three phone calls a day. Stopping by to just say howdy. Sorry, I forgot we're not from Texas. Anyway, the brats say hi. In fact, they sent you their own letter. I'd get one of your translator's to look it over because, well, I doubt you can read it on your own. One of their friends from school has been teaching them Spanish and French. So, good luck with that.

Oh, and because Catherine'll probably tell you and make it sound terrible, I had a date last Saturday night. Nothing real big, just one of the new ladies in town. I can't remember, it's been awhile, but if she dumps a drink in your lap, that's generally a clue to not call the next day, huh?

Oh, well, have fun, munchker.

Love, Todd.

**(&)**

**1/07/2006**

Cher Tante Hanna,

That means 'Dear Aunt Hanna.' Our new friend at school, Tisha, taught us to say that so we can write to you in French. This is Sarah writing by the way because Stephanie's talking to her boyfriend on the phone. His name is Tyler and I don't like him because he's mean to my friend Jessica.

I got a new fish. His name is Geoffery and he's British, although Daddy says he's a Chinese fighting fish. He ate my little goldfish, Kenny though. Daddy says I have to keep Geoffery apart or else he's gonna eat Jack, Mark, Paul, and Michael. That would make me sad. I got a new notebook too. It has Orlando Bloom on the front. He's cute. Okay, I'm gonna go now because Stephanie wants to talk to you. Love you, Cher Tante Hanna.

Hey, Aunt Hanna, it's Stephanie. I just got done talking to my boyfriend, Tyler. He's really cute. Daddy's out in the living room right now, yelling at the TV because the Broncos are playing and they're loosing. He doesn't think we can hear him saying the bad words because we're listening to the Lizzie Maguire soundtrack that Uncle Andrew got us, but I can hear him.

There's not much happening around here. We had a new girl try out from the cheerleading team, but she wasn't very good so we told her she couldn't join. Grandpa Greg says that Crocodile Rock is a hell-spawn, but I don't know what that means. Daddy says Grandpa Greg just isn't used to having to share his house since all of you moved out.

Okay, well, I gotta go because Daddy's yelling again and Uncle Andrew told me to not let his blood pressure get to high and that means he needs to stop yelling at the TV.

Love you,

Stephanie and Sarah

PS: Tyler says you sound cool. Love Stephanie.

**(&)**

**1/11/2006**

Hanna,

I have all of ten minutes to write you this little note from Los Angeles. My team's on-hold waiting to serve a warrant downtown for Narcotics. Only the UC can't remember which house it was, so we're all geared up and stuck in a briefing room that's hotter than hell while he remembers.

I've numbered the things that have happened in the last three months in order to keep this as succinct as possible.

1- My she-demon of an ex has decided that she no longer wants joint custody of the boys, in fact she wants no-custody of the boys.

2- The dog choked on a bagel this morning. No, I should rephrase that, the dog choked on an entire package of bagels this morning. She's at the vet's, terrorizing the office assistant.

3- All five of my sons, your nephews, have decided to volunteer for the Big Brother/Big Sister program in our neighborhood. I'd be prouder of them if they hadn't done it to meet girls.

4- Apparently at some point during our traditional Sunday night argument over which football team's gonna win the game, I agreed to let Sarah and Stephanie come visit me for a month during the summer. Two eight year olds and five teenagers. I can hardly wait.

5- One of the snipers on our team, James, tripped down his basement stairs and broke his leg.

6- I've ordered a mail-order bride from Russia. I'm expecting her in 4 to 6 weeks.

7- I have to go play with drug dealers now. Love you.

**(&)**

**12/29/2005**

Dear Wonderful, Amazing, Remarkable, Did I Mention Wonderful, Aunt Hanna,

You've gotta get us out of here. This is Scot writing on behalf of all the Breck brothers in LA. Dad's driving us crazy! He actually tried to cook dinner the other night. We almost burned down half the condo. It was insane! We ended eating at Burger King and Damon and Tyler got food poisoning.

I don't know how or why he got on this parenting kick, but if he doesn't get off it soon, we're all gonna die. Either that or Brandon's threatening to join the French Foreign Legion even though I've already explained that you have to be French to do that.

He wants to go fishing on Saturday. So tell me, is it wrong to wish his beeper would go off?

Anyway, I have to go. All the guys say hi and don't get shot.

Love, Scot, Eric, Damon, Tyler and Brandon

**(&)**

**1/10/2006**

I am going to kill you. You're the one who put that idea in his head. You're the one who's a bad example. You're the one who's hiding out in a top-secret location which is the only reason you're still alive.

Your brother-in-love, my husband, has gotten a tattoo and is flirting with the idea of joining the Marines.

Hear this now, you will die.

Love, Your Big Sister, Catherine

**(&)**

**1/10/2006**

Short letter. Life in danger. Got a tattoo. Wife's gonna kill me.

Love, Corey, your soon to be dead brother in law.

PS: The tattoo's really cool.

**(&)**

**1/05/2006**

Dear Trev,

Greg told me he was writing to Hanna, so I figured I'd write to you since I haven't seen or heard from you in almost a year. Considering that no one's stopped by my house to give me your dogtags, I'm assuming your still alive and in that spirit, I'm writing you a letter.

Everything around here's goin' good. Lee moved in with me eight months ago and we've been doing good. According to Greg, you and Hanna are stationed at the same base so tell her hi for me. How about a visit next time you're stateside or at least Georgia side you stop by for a visit and bring her with you.

Gotta go,

Derrick.

**(&)**

**(0940)- Radio connecting: Military6 to Military5**

"My family's friggin' weird."

"Read your letters from home?"

"Yeah. My big sister wants to kill me, my brother's are off the deep end and my nephews and nieces are as far from normal as possible."

"Derrick's boyfriend moved in with him."

"Lee? Good for him."

"Good for him?!"

"I thought you liked Lee."

"No that was Justin that I liked. Lee creeps me out."

"He's the sweetest guy on the face of the planet."

"Yeah, well, I don't like him."

"You just don't think he's good enough for your little brother."

"Maybe."

"Uh-huh. Well, I'm gonna go back to sleep."

"You do that."

"No writing threatenin' letters to your brother's boyfriend, Trevin."

"Wasn't going to."

"Liar."

"Just one?"

"No."

"How about covery snide comments when I write Derrick back?"

"No."

"You're no fun."

"And you're shackin' up with Weir."

"Oh, was that my radio? Gotta go. See you later, Banana."

**(0942)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military5**


	26. Chapter 26

_**(1103)- Radio Connecting- Military6 to Military1**_

"I need help."

"Last time you said that my life turned into an episode of _Days of Our Lives_."

"Hah-hah, very funny. No, I'm writin' letters to my family and I ain't so good with advice."

"Okay, shoot."

"My dad."

"What about him?"

"He's watchin' my dog, he's worried 'bout me and he's tryin' to hook me up with some kid that I used to throw rocks at."

"_No_, I don't believe that you used to throw rocks at other children."

"Okay, buddy, lay off the sarcasm."

"All right, well, tell him that you're all right, thanks for watching the dog, and that you'll try and get home for Thanksgiving."

"D'you think I can promise him that?"

"I know the guy in charge. I'll pull some strings."

"All right then, what 'bout the guy he's tryin' to hook me up with."

"Tell him you met someone."

"Dad's 6'4, 250, and he used to be an Army Ranger."

"New plan. Tell him you're not in the market right now."

"Wise move. Okay, one letter down."

"How many of these do you have to write?"

"Thirteen?"

"Yikes."

"Big family. Oh, and I gotta write a letter to Trevin's big brother and Trevin's big brother's… friend."

"Nice save there."

"Thank you."

"Okay, now my big brother, Todd. He's datin' after a real messy divorce and since he's the second youngest, Dad's turnin' all his paternal attention on him."

"Wish him luck on the dating and tell him that you had to deal with your Dad's paternal attentions for, what, 20 years? So suck it up"

"He's gonna kill me, but okay."

"Now who?"

"Andrew. Big brother. LAPD SWAT entry team."

"What'd he say in his letter?"

"Oh, hang on. I have it right here. Um… he actually numbered it 'cause he was writin' it while waitin' to serve a warrant for the Narc guys."

"Your family is scary."

"You get used to it. Okay, here we go. One, his ex-wife has decided that she no longer wants custody of their sons. Two, their dog ate an entire package of bagels and had to go to the vet. Three, all five of my nephews have joined the Big Brother/Big sister program to meet girls. Four, durin' their weekly Sunday Night football argument, Andrew told Todd that he'd let Todd's daughters, Sarah and Stephanie come stay with him for the summer. Five, one of the SWAT team snipers fell and broke his leg. Six, Andrew's allegedly ordered a bride from Russia and he's expectin' her in 4 to 6 weeks. That's it."

"It's never boring in your family, is it?"

"Not really. We even used to make church interestin'."

"I'll bet. I think you're gonna have to handle that one yourself."

"Yeah, probably. Now, onto my nephews."

"How many of those do you have again?"

"Five."

"And what did they say in their letter?"

"The basic premise was that Andrew's tryin' to be Mom and Dad. Oh, and the youngest nephew, Brandon is thinkin' 'bout joinin' the French Foreign Legion."

"I see. And once again, I am advice-less."

"Figured. Now, Catherine."

"This is the one who's nickname was 'Stacked'?"

"Yep. Only, she wants to kill me 'cause her hubbie got a tattoo and wants to join the Marines."

"That one I'd recommend just suckin' up."

"Good advice."

"Now, it's Corey."

"Your… brother-in-law?"

"Right. He's the one who got the tattoo."

"How about you congratulate him on surviving your big sister?"

"Good. And last, but not least, I have Derrick and Lee."

"That's also one that I'm gonna have to leave to you."

"Good idea. Okay, I have to go write letters now."

"You have fun with that."

**_(1145)- Radio disconnecting: Military6 from Military1_**

_**(&)**_

_**Atlantis Mail Delivery System: For Earth Distribution**_

_**Major Hanna Breck to Greg Breck**_

_**Major Hanna Breck to Todd Breck**_

_**Major Hanna Breck to Andrew Breck**_

_**Major Hanna Breck to Scot, Eric, Damon, Tyler, Branden Breck**_

_**Major Hanna Breck to Catherine Andrews**_

_**Major Hanna Breck to Corey Andrews**_

_**Major Hanna Breck to Derrick Lorne**_

_**(&)**_

_**2/4/2006**_

Dear Daddy,

Maybe you should just let Ernest step on Crocodile Rock and then he'll get the idea and stop being a little shit. Anyway, I'm fine. Trevin's fine. We're just working.

And you're probably gonna have an aneurysm when you read this, but I met a guy, so you can stop playing matchmaker between me and Donovan Morris. I'll have you know that I'm the one who gave him that scar on his forehead. It's probably Stockholm syndrome.

So, I love you and please lay off Todd. You're gonna smother him and then he's gonna do something nutso like get a tattoo and join the Marines. Just kidding.

Love, Hanna

_**(&)**_

_**2/4/2006**_

Dear Todd,

A drink in your lap is generally a sign that the date isn't going good. I'm taking a wild guess here, but I'm guessing that you told her that joke about the Playboy model and the duck. For future forays into the dating world, I think you should keep that one to yourself. 'Kay?

Oh, and you know what? Stop crying about Dad. I've been dealing with it successfully for twenty-five years. Suck it up and be a man. And you need to cut this Tyler and Stephanie thing off at the knees. I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen, thusly by osmosis neither does Stephanie.

Love, Hanna

PS: Tell the twerps that I'll bring them presents at Thanksgiving and that I love them a whole lot.

_**(&)**_

_**2/4/2006**_

Dear Andrew,

I'll number this because I know how succinct you like things:

1: I met a guy. Name's John. Great kisser.

2: I've got stitches. It sucks.

3: Lay off on the Mr. Mom routine with the boys or I'll come to LA and kick your ass.

4: Your ex-wife is a bitch and I'm going to blow up her car.

5: I've told you guys time and time again to keep the bagels on the top of the bread rack. Maybe the bill from the vet's office will help remind you.

6: Big Brother/Big Sister club is a great way to meet girls. And as long as they're doing that and helping out under priveleged kids, you shouldn't be bitching.

7: Stuck with five teenagers and two munchkins, all I can say is… HAHA! That'll teach you to mess with the mojo that is Todd's uncanny ability to choose which NFL team is going to win. BTW, when the girls travel, they bring their Barbie Princess sheets. You have fun with explaining to Brandon why his bed is suddenly property of the fairies.

8: James has always been a klutz and will always be a klutz. So are you and the guys bringing him chicken soup to help him get better? Actually, if I remember, James is kinda cute. Can I bring him chicken soup?

9: A mail order bride? What you couldn't find someone in LA? You had to go international? Well, anyone's better than your ex-wife. Hell, Satan's better than your ex-wife. Why didn't you mail-order Satan?

10: You better have been careful while you played with those drug dealers, other wise I may have to write a letter to your boss and tell him to kick your ass for me.

Love, Hanna

PS: (11) Good kisser. Really good kisser.

_**(&)**_

_**2/4/2006**_

Dear Scot, Eric, Damon, Tyler and Brandon,

I had an epiphany. I'll share it with you. Just tell your Dad to lay off! It's shocking, but it might work. Anyway, I'm glad to hear from you guys and I'm expecting more letters because I crave family contact. Also pictures would be appreciated because, well, I just have to show all the women on base what gorgeous little nephews I have.

Love you all,

Aunt Hanna

PS: The whole Big Brother/Big Sister thing to meet girls? So passé. Trying hitting Wheklie's downtown. It's a café built specifically around teenagers. Music, movies, games, stuff like that. How do you think I survived living with your Dad for three years?

_**(&)**_

_**2/4/2006**_

Dear Catherine,

Love you dearly. Miss you greatly. Pop a big fuckin' Midol. This is Corey we're talking about. The guy who cried when he ran over a squirrel, okay? The likelihood of him joining the Marines is about the same as me moving in with Derrick and Lee and having wild sex parties. And a tattoo is just an expression of his personality. I'm not the bad influence here.

Love you, Hanna

PS: You could stand to get a tattoo. And loosen up some.

_**(&)**_

_**2/4/2006**_

Dear Corey,

Will you quell your wife's fears and just tell her that the only way you'll join the Marines is if they reinstate the draft? Thank you.

And I love the fact that you got a tattoo. Proves I'm not the only rebel in the family. And tell Catherine that I will probably be home for Thanksgiving and I'm giving her that long to get over this whole thing.

Love, Hanna

PS: You better have gotten something dangerous looking not something like a Smurf.

_**(&)**_

_**2/4/2006**_

Dear Derrick,

Congrats on you and Lee. Trevin's having a shit fit. I expect that that's just because he's a fruit, but you never know.

So, how are my Bronco's doing this year? Good? I hope so. We don't get many games over here, although we have been doing pick up matches whenever we can. And how's Peyton doing? I'm expecting full reports here, complete with stats and such.

Anyway, switching subjects, Trevin went and got himself a girlfriend. She's a civilian, one of our language specialists, but she's sweet and they cuddle whenever we have movie night. It'd be enough to make me sick… if I wasn't cuddling with my own boyfriend.

That's right. You read it correctly. I, Major Hanna Bernadette Marie Breck, Queen Bitch and Terrorizer of All Things Male at Barder High, has a boyfriend. Tell anyone and suffer the consequences. Painful consequences. And sadly I must go because I'm due for a trip to the Infirmary. I broke my wrist. So sad.

Love, Hanna

PS: I want pictures of the new place. And Lee. Is he as cute as I remember?


End file.
